[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like a compromise between you and Mike may be able to help. It seems like the problem at hand is the smoking. Maybe you can offer to meet Mike halfway, in other words, you could offer him a pair of tickets to a sporting event if he’ll agree not to smoke in your home. Or maybe you can ask him if there’s something you can do to get him to not smoke in your house. My guess is that this has become a highly charged issue and you’re both pretty angry about it. The trick now would be to diffuse the anger so you can get somewhere with the problem. By doing something unexpected, like offering Mike a gift that he totally isn’t expecting, and asking him if in exchange he’d do something for you — like not smoking in your home, he may just agree because you’re not in fight mode with him.

Of course if that doesn’t work, it’s appropriate for you to back off and let your boyfriend handle this situation because Mike is your boyfriend’s friend, not yours. What your boyfriend needs to understand is that when anyone goes to a guest’s home, the rules of the home prevail. For instance, if you were invited to a home where you were asked to remove your shoes before you entered the premises, would you argue? Of course not. You’d take your shoes off and enter. If you were invited to a home where you asked not to park in the driveway, but to park on the street, would you argue and not do it? Of course not. You’d park where your hosts requested.

Your boyfriend’s excuse that Mike was raised in a difficult environment and doesn’t have the benefit of good manners, doesn’t fly. Mike is 18 — or close to it or older — and old enough learn from his peers. Manners are important in the world, and if Mike can’t abide by the manners in the home, then he should meet your boyfriend elsewhere. But not in your house.

As for the conflict between you and your boyfriend over this issue, I’d advise you to try and take some of the anger out of the situation and try to problem solve if possible. This dynamic is going to repeat itself in the course of your relationship. Everyone has a relative that their spouse or significant other doesn’t like and vice versa, but that relative is someone who visits regularly and can cause this kind of problem between the hosting couple if they’re not on the same page. So, this problem you and your boyfriend are having with Mike can actually be practice for a possible future challenge with a potential mother in law, brother in law, or sister in law. The important thing is for you and your boyfriend to find a way to present a united front when it comes to Mike — regardless of who’s giving in or caving on the topic.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are not alone. I get so many letters and e-mails from men with this same question: How can I date a girl who’s out of my league?

The truth is you can date her — and better yet, if you follow my directions, she will really want to go out with you. I’ve written a book called Date Out Of Your League — For Men Only that is a quick read with chapters on every subject you’ll need to date out of your league, so if I were you, as soon as I finished reading this answer to your question, I’d click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page and scroll down to Date Out Of Your League, and order the book. It will help you a lot!

In the meantime, know that nice guys don’t finish first because they’re perceived as boring to women. A woman wants a guy who’s exciting and knows his worth. If you throw yourself at this girl and heap on the compliments and niceties, she’s going to run the other way, stopping to yawn whenever she thinks about you. This woman you describe is going to want a guy who she thinks is valuable, and if you act like you’re valuable, and don’t have all the time in the world to spend on her, she’s going to see you as someone who’s out of[i] her[/i] league!

When something or someone looks easy, their worth is less than something or someone who appears to be more rare and valuable. So focus on making yourself valuable to her. It will make her a lot more intrigued and interested in you, and you [i]will[/i] have a date with her before too long.

But play it safe and get my book, Date Out Of Your League, so you have all the secrets, hints, tips and tricks for getting the women you thought were too good for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good for you. You’ve taken a first step towards living a changed life of being truthful. I wanted to tell you that if you are truly concerned that your friend may hurt or kill himself, whether the catalyst for that action is your e-mail or something else, you have an obligation to notify the police or a hospital emergency phone number. It would be wrong for you to think you can help someone with a problem like suicide or self harming like cutting or drug abuse. Those kinds of problems need to be handled by professionals, so be responsible, and notify someone trained to handle suicide or self harm if you think your friend is in any danger.

Now, be prepared for Alex to reject you and cut you off completely. Sorry — I know that’s not what you want to hear, but that’s a possibility I want you to be prepared for. When you apologize to someone, as you have, the person you apologize to is under no obligation to continue to include you in their life. And that’s just the way it goes. You have to be big enough to accept the consequences of your actions, learn from them, adjust your behavior, and move on as you build your character, and your relationships.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different life experiences because he’s been married, divorced, had two children with two different women, and has long distance relationships with his young children, not to mention co-parenting relationships with his children’s mothers. That’s a lot of relationships compared to your relatively unencumbered life. This relationship may or may not work, but at best, you have to understand his obligations that preceded you and will last for the rest of his life. You need to walk into this with your eyes wide open and be honest about [i]your[/i] own needs and whether or not this relationship will work for you.

Your boyfriend will be involved with his children’s mothers for the rest of his life. By visiting his out of state kids five times in one year, and maintaining real estate in the state where they live, I would surmise he’s trying to be a good father and he wants to be involved in their lives. There will be school events, soccer matches, dance recitals, prom photos, weddings, Thanksgivings, Christmases and other regular events throughout each and every year where your boyfriend may want to be with his children as they get older, and this will involve interaction with their mothers. There may also be medical events that regard the children, disciplinary events, and as kids get older they sometimes want to see or even live with one parent more than the other. In other words, expect changes when it comes to blended families. He will never be able to “cut it off” completely with his childrens’ mothers until the kids are 18 and over when he can have relationships with them as adult children. And even then, there are going to be family events where he will be involved with the kids and their mothers.

If your boyfriend does decide to declare you as his girlfriend, and even marry you, you can pretty much count on the mothers of his children changing their attitude about him. If they know there is going to be a stepmother (that would be you!) in their children’s lives, they may not be as loose about custody arrangements or child support as it sounds like they have been up to now. And if they’re jealous of you emotionally, let alone as mothers, it’s going to be even hairier. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it — it’s just going to be different than if you two had met without having exes or children. It sounds like your boyfriend already understands this dynamic and is trying to make it work for him by not making you a big part of his life.

Your boyfriend may still have feelings for his ex-girlfriend with whom they share a child, but feelings are understandable. They were once in love and have a child together. What matters is if he’s faithful to you [i]enough [/i]for you to feel okay with the situation. People who are divorced have a myriad of feelings about their exes from love and regret to hate and violence. Your boyfriend’s feelings for his two exes (even though one is not an ex from marriage) falls within the range of normal for his social status. In other words, since the two of you are just dating, and his ex-girlfriend wants him to see their child more, she may say she misses him, and he may say he misses her back and they may both mean it. The two of you aren’t engaged or married — from his side of the story, he’s entitled to express his feelings for his ex.

If he’s sleeping with his ex, or dating her, that’s a different story. Don’t tell him you saw the text message between he and his ex. It doesn’t serve any purpose right now, and will just make him angry, so keep that to yourself. What would be really helpful is if you could meet his exes since you’ve been dating for a year, and you’ve met one of his two children already. By meeting his exes, it would show them that you’re part of his life, and you’d get a better understanding of who they are, and who they are with him when he’s around, too.

However, if he’s not even willing to take you on an out of town trip when he goes to visit his kids and check up on his rental property, ever, then I’d be very concerned that he’s playing you. If after a year of dating, he’s still not ready to commit or consider the two of you a couple, and he won’t introduce you to his exes, even casually, I’d suggest that if you are interested in long term monogamy or marriage that you move on.

He’s taking good care of himself. You should take a lesson from him! You’re right to be disappointed, but he hasn’t done anything wrong. You are the one who needs to take responsibility for yourself. Next time you date someone, if things don’t work out with this guy, understand that when a man (or a woman) has children and ex-spouse/s, things are going to be complicated, and you might want to be hyper sensitive to find out if he truly is ready to be monogamous and/or married so that you’re both compatible.

Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, and scrolling down. You can get the book for $14.95, and it may be just what you need at this time in your life when you’re in transition. You can read it straight through or pick out the chapters that relate to your specific needs and questions on any given day. You’ll recognize dilemmas that women get into, and how to remedy them and avoid them. You’ll also get tips and advice on how to date successfully and find Mr. Right.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is only one thing you have to do to straighten out all this drama: Stop lying.

People lie because they are afraid of something. It’s much better for everyone if you can find some strength to face what you’re afraid of and tell the truth. The lie is only going to bring you a temporary sense of relief. After a while that lie you told will bring on way more pain and suffering than if you had told the truth in the first place. In addition, one lie often leads to another and another, as you know. And that means a life of misery.

People lie because they are afraid of feeling bad. They don’t want to feel rejected or passed over. It’s easier to lie online because the people you meet online only know what let them know. It’s different than meeting people at school, the workplace or a mutual friend’s home or party, or even a neighborhood coffee shop. I know you want these people that you’re meeting online to like you, but eventually, they’re going to find out the truth about all the lies you’re telling them, and you’re going to develop a reputation. You’re going to be avoided at best, and considered someone to avoid at all costs, at worst. This [i]will[/i] catch up with you, and there will be no lies left to tell that anyone who knows you or knows of you is going to believe.

The good news is that you have a conscience. Your heart is in the right place, otherwise you wouldn’t feel so guilty. Now you have to roll up your sleeves and do the work that you deserve to do in order to not feel like you’re a life ruiner. Tell the truth and face the music. Start with small truths. Be hyper aware of when you’re not telling the truth. In fact, bend over backwards to tell the truth at first. Make sure you mention to any potential love interest that you’re bi-sexual. Don’t lie about your age. Don’t tell someone you love them if you don’t — even if they say it first, and expect to hear it back. Be super honest.

The worst thing that will happen is that you’ll upset some people and be rejected. It’s important to learn who your real friends and lovers are, and rejection is a part of life that helps us all figure out who wants us, who we want, and who we’re compatible with. Everyone gets rejected, but you can’t be everything to everyone — and that’s the truth! You’re not always going to feel loved or appreciated, but if you tell the truth and are able to hear it, you’ll be a lot more attractive to people than if you lie.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s probably hard for you to see what’s going on because you’re so involved in your own feelings for this guy and for what you want this relationship to be. But your boyfriend is giving you a very clear picture of what[i] he[/i] wants things to be, and I’d advise you to pay attention to what he’s doing and saying, rather than try and change him or wonder why things aren’t different.

Your boyfriend made it pretty clear after your first visit together that he wasn’t that interested. You were confused because while the two of you were just having an online relationship for a few months prior to meeting, things were a lot better. When they slowed down online, you met, probably hoping to add some momentum to the sinking ship, but after your meeting, he slowed it all down even further. The picture he’s painting is one where he’s not that interested.

I know you’re upset that he hurt your feelings by telling you you were too clingy and needy after your visit, but he was really doing you a favor. When someone tells you the truth, it’s a gift. You don’t have to waste any more time with someone who’s just not that into you. You can move on and date other people in addition to him, or in place of him. But the bottom line is you don’t have to waste your time on someone who’s made it really clear he’s not into you.

The reason he gets angry with you when you voice your concerns or ask questions about the relationship is because he probably feels you’re trying to manipulate him back into doing or feeling something he doesn’t want to do or feel, or that you’re criticizing him for not being a good boyfriend, which he’s already made clear he doesn’t want to be. So stop talking to him about “the relationship”. Stop asking him questions about it. And stop voicing your concerns and trying to make him someone he’s not. Just listen and watch what he says and does, and you’ll have all the answers you need to respond appropriately.

Sorry if this is harsh, but if you don’t accept that he’s not that into you, you’re just going to get more and more upset, and more importantly, you’re going to waste time you could be dating and being available to other men who want the same thing you do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You do have a chance, but you have to play it cool. You’ve already made yourself available. He knows how to reach you, and you have a nice internet relationship. But….you’ll know he’s interested in you when he asks you out on a date. It’s really simple.

In the meantime, here’s what you can do to make it more likely he’ll ask you out. I know it’s going to sound contradictory at first, but it works. Trust me! If you make yourself too available to him, he’s not going to need to see you. So you have to tease him a little and flirt with him, and make him want more — without giving him too much.

While you can’t MAKE him ask you out, you can make yourself more attractive and intriguing to him. You can make it so that the only way he can get more of you is if he asks you out. If you’re always available for him for hours on the internet, you’re going to reduce your chances of him asking you out.

Think about it this way: Men want to chase women and try to catch them. They want to feel like they’ve gotten a prize when they get the girl. If you make yourself too available and don’t make him chase you, he doesn’t have a prize to win. He’s got the booby prize!

If you want to know more about how to get the guy, check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books at the top of this page, scrolling down, and then you’ll see my book for only $14.95. You’ll get a lot of advice you can read and re-read to reassure yourself that you’re doing things correctly.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There’s an old saying: Actions speak louder than words. Your boyfriend is saying everything right, but his actions are contradicting his words when it comes to his ex-girlfriend. That’s why you’re confused. Your boyfriend says he’s going to take down his photos of he and his ex-girlfriend, but he doesn’t. He says he understands how you may feel badly seeing him and his ex-girlfriend on his website pages, but he doesn’t do anything about it to make you feel better. And the kicker is that he doesn’t have any photos of you on his site pages!

The fact that he told you once he didn’t think he was over his ex-girlfriend is really the only thing he’s said that matches his actions of leaving his photos of the two of them up on his website pages in spite of dating you for a year.

I know you want things to be different, but the truth is he isn’t over his ex. He’s going to say what he needs to say to you about the situation to keep you in the game, but he isn’t ready to get rid of her photos on his site, even though he knows they bother you and thinks it’s understandable for you to be bothered by them.

One of the things I write about in my book, Think & Date Like A Man, which I’d recommend you get, is that when men are into you, they act like you’re their girlfriend. In other words, they bring you home to meet their families, they introduce you to their friends, and although I didn’t write it specifically in my book — they will put your photo up on their Facebook or MySpace pages to show the world that you belong to them.

You’re not going to get your boyfriend to get rid of the ex-girlfriend’s pictures by demanding. You’ve already spelled it all out for him. In fact, if you do demand, it’s probably going to make him angry at you. My advice to you is to proceed with caution when it comes to him, and consider dating other men, because it’s been over a year with this guy who doesn’t seem to be making you feel secure in the relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, you had chemistry with this woman, but she was totally wrong for you. Chemistry isn’t everything. It’s a lot. But often, it’s just a starting point. (And sometimes, it comes later in the relationship.) Finding a woman who is going to make you feel loved, excited and supported is about more than just chemistry. You need chemistry, but you need other things, too.

I know you’re hurt, but you’re going to be fine. It’s better to feel the pain than to suppress it and have it crop up in some dysfunctional way at some other time. You should take whatever time you need to get over the break up, but don’t wallow. Feel your pain, figure out what it was about this woman you broke up with that attracted you and how you took a wrong turn on the way to this last relationship, and at the same time, take care of yourself. Get out there and go to the gym, do your job, see your friends and family and anyone who makes you feel supported and healthy. Get yourself a new haircut, some new clothes — and basically take good care of you. But then it’s time to move on.

When you’re ready, get back out there, and start dating and looking for someone who’s really right for you. You might want to check out my book, Date Out Of Your League, which will help you find women who you thought were out of your league, and make a relationship work with them! You can click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, scroll down, and you’ll see instructions for ordering the book. It might be a good read for you now while you’re getting over your break up and getting ready to move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s always harder to be the one who’s being left behind than the one who’s going on to forge new ground, and your boyfriend is the one who’s being left behind. It’s understandable that he’s nervous about your losing interest in the relationship or finding someone new at this time in your life when you’re starting college. In fact boyfriends and girlfriends just like you two are going through this exact same problem this week and next as colleges start all over the world.

It’s fine for you to keep in touch with your boyfriend and see him when you can, but if you find yourself having to bend over backwards to reassure him that you’re still there for him, you’re going to either end up resenting him, spending way too much of this valuable time as a college student on taking care of him back home, or else no matter what you do, he’s going to be anxious about you moving on and not knowing what you’re doing when you’re not with him.

You’re going to be experiencing lots of new social situations with lots of new single people at college. Your boyfriend’s fears aren’t unfounded, so my advice to you is to respect his feelings, but know that there’s only so much you can do under these circumstances to continue long distance. You can call, e-mail and text, but don’t let it interfere with your life at college. And ultimately, he’ll understand you’re still there for him as time goes by.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is another reason why nice guys finish last: Women perceive nice guys as boring. I know you think you’re being really great to her when you’re nice, but here’s the reality:

“Nice” equates with boring and predictable. Look up “nice” in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average — not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I’ll bet you’ve never heard a woman say she didn’t want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting — have you? But, I’ll bet you have heard women say things like, “He’s such a nice guy. He’s so sweet and he’s always there for me, but I only like him as a friend.” Or, “He’s such a good guy — kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal — but there’s no chemistry. He just doesn’t turn me on.” Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won’t work.

So try not being Mr. Nice Guy any more. I’m not suggesting you mistreat women, but what I am suggesting is don’t rush to take care of them before you take care of yourself. Your urgency to be nice can be perceived as desperate. If you truly believe that you’re going to be fine in the world whether or not you get a woman, your attitude will take you a long a way — in fact, from loser to winner. So don’t gush with compliments, rush to take care of her before yourself, and think your world will end if you don’t get her. Once you believe it, so will she, and she’ll find you much more attractive.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your ex-girlfriend gets her marriage annulled or she gets divorced from her husband, at that point, there’s no reason for you not to start dating her again. But with caution.

Remember — you could be the guy the guy she’s divorcing now. Your friend wants to get married, and she’s able to do that — she’s proved she knows how to get that done! But she may have been impulsive in marrying her current husband — especially if during the marriage she’s telling you she made a mistake and wants to be with you. Think about it from her husband’s point of view. What she’s doing could really be seen as cheating. If anyone is going to make a marriage work, they have to take it seriously. I don’t think she is taking hers seriously enough.

For now, if I were you, I’d back off and let her be in her marriage. Don’t be involved in the break up of your ex-girlfriend’s current marriage. It’s really none of your business. When she married her current husband, she should have let you go out of her life as a romantic interest in order to commit to her marriage. That she didn’t do that — that she wanted her cake and to eat it, too (the same way she wanted you and for you to move to her city), describes who she is. You should really take note of that.

Relationships survive and flourish because both people in them respect their partners and are willing to sacrifice and accept sacrifices in order to make them work. So if this woman is someone who you think will be able to do that for you, then by all means, you should consider dating her again. But for now, no contact until she’s a legally single woman. She has to decide to stay in or leave her current marriage because of herself — not because of you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You don’t have to lose. But you do have to do some adjusting. Number one you have to adjust your vision. If you’ve behaved in a way that’s brought you to this point in your relationship, you have to take responsibility for yourself. You may not have been as nice as you think you were or are. There are certain ways you can get a girl, and I can try and guide you, but you’d do better to click on the Dating Advice Books link, above, scroll down to Date Out of Your League, and buy that book. I wrote it for guys who aren’t getting what they want in relationships. I am very confident it will help you.

The next thing you can do is to adjust your behavior, and this is where my book can function as a guide for you. If you read a chapter a day, you’ll see what to do, when and how. If something isn’t working, and you’re not getting the outcome you want, you can change your behavior for a different outcome. Maybe you were too nice or not. Maybe you were too available and appeared desperate — I don’t know. Maybe you were moving too fast, and you scared her off. Again, I’m not sure because I don’t have a lot of details from your post.

If she thinks you’re weak, either you are, or she’s mistaken. Regardless, you can change your behavior to not act weak, or you can clarify things for her. Your choice. Figure out why she thinks you’re weak. What is it you’ve done has contributed to that picture for her — and change it.

You can’t rewrite history, but you can make changes from this day forward.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You both handle things differently and you see the world differently. Neither one of you is doing anything wrong — it’s just that your styles of emoting and sharing aren’t compatible. This dynamic can lead to a break up, as it did in your past already, unless one of you — or both of you — make some changes in your own behavior.

You can’t change her no matter how hard you try, but you can change yourself — if you want to. One of the ways you can change your own behavior if it feels right to you, is to accept the fact that she’s probably not going to tell you everything. In fact, she may even be holding things back from you — not because she’s trying to harm you, but because she’s trying to protect herself from conflict that her disclosures may cause. If you can accept that she’s not going to tell you everything and you can be okay with what she does tell you, then that change may make your relationship with her more pleasant.

But if you continue to insist that she tell you everything, even when she says she already has, and she continues to not tell you everything — well, you can see pretty clearly, I think, that your relationship won’t survive.

The next place you can change is to understand that conflict means different things to different people. One person can say, “Take out the trash, please,” and the other person can hear it as a criticism. In fact, it may come in as, “You never take out the trash. I always have to tell you. In fact, here I am telling you again to take it out — what’s wrong with you??” Some families are big fighters normally, while others go to their rooms rather than hash things out. So if she is very sensitive to conflict, and hears things you consider normal, as conflict, then you’re going to have a problem. If, however, you can accept that she is very sensitive and dislikes conflict intensely, and you’re willing to try and avoid brining up conflicts, then she’ll be happier, and so may you.

I’m sure that you can find other places where the two of you could make changes — or you may find that it’s too difficult for you to change, and this difference between the two of you is not something you’re willing or able to overcome.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If after dating for six months you’re not sure that your girlfriend is all that interested in you, you should trust your instincts. Sometimes it’s hard to accept the truth because you want things to be different than they are. But if what you’re saying is true — that you see each other once a week, and she says she’ll text you but doesn’t always, and on top of that you just don’t think she’s that into you, well, then, she isn’t.

It sounds like it’s hard for you to move on because she hasn’t done anything heinous or dramatic with you. She hasn’t cheated. She hasn’t made unreasonable demands on you. She hasn’t abused you emotionally or otherwise. And on top of that, she’s pleasant with you and says she loves you, but her actions aren’t showing you that she really cares very much. When someone is polite and not a dramatic or evil or troubled person, it’s sometimes hard to admit that they’re just not Ms. Right. There’s nothing drastically wrong — and yet you’re unsatisfied. Don’t settle for mediocrity.

My advice to you is to start dating other people. You can check out my book, Date Out of Your League, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, and then scrolling down until you see the book, and purchasing it. The book will help you start to figure out what you want and how to get it when it comes to dating. I only suggest it because sometimes men need a push to get going and start dating — especially when ending a relationship, like I’m suggesting you do here.

If there’s no spark, and it’s been six months, move on and find someone who excites you and makes you feel special and like the man you want to be.

[Member]

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