[April Masini, your AskApril]

Because you are mature, have your GED and are planning to start college, you need to focus on your own life and what is right for you and your own future. Sometimes maturity means taking an objective look at what your options are, and your boyfriend who’s been off and on for only five months, now has a serious life long obligation to a child and an 18 year minimum obligation to his ex-girlfriend, with whom he will hopefully be co-parenting their child.

His life is not compatible with yours right now. He’s weighed down with responsibility and you don’t have that kind of baggage. You’re young, getting your education, and getting ready to strike out on your own in the world. Relationships work best when both people have the same kind of baggage — or what I like to call matching luggage. He has a lot of baggage right now in a baby and a mother of the baby. He’s going to have to support the child, spend serious time with the child, and for the child’s sake, make a relationship work with the child’s mother. This is not for you.

I know you think you’re mature and love him, but your decision should have nothing to do with feelings. You may both be lovely people who have love and affection for one another, but you have only been together off and on for five months. That’s not a strong commitment in the scheme of things, and it’s time for you to let him go so he can focus on his life, and you can focus on yours. You’ll love lots of people in your life, but that doesn’t mean that they are right for you to be in a relationship with. It’s important to separate feelings and behaviors. You can feel affection for him, but know that he is not right for you at this time in your life. Break ups don’t have to involve hate. They can be sad and final. And that’s what yours should be with him.

Move on, and find someone who is available to be with you in every way. If you have trouble, get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, scrolling down, and paying the $14.95 for the book that you can read before school starts! The book may give you reassurance and a plan during your break up and healing from what sounds like a tumultuous time for you.

Try not to rationalize what may or may not have been said or done between your soon to be ex-boyfriend and his baby’s mother. You weren’t there. You didn’t hear or see what happened between them. Don’t make this a drama triangle. Focus on you, and what happened between you and your soon to be ex-boyfriend. That’s it. He’s probably going to try and blame the woman he got pregnant for his predicament. Don’t you get involved in the blame game. It’s not going to help him accept his responsibility as a man. Back off, move on, and know that you will find love with a man who is right for you. I promise.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you didn’t really ask me what you want to know. The question you really want to ask is how do you take this relationship to the next level where there are not just casual hugs at the end of the date, but intimate kisses. Right? And….you don’t want to be rejected, so you want to make sure she’s into the idea of stepping it up before you make a move. Am I right again?

Here’s the deal: You’re becoming a man and one of the things you have to learn and accept is that sometimes you have to take a risk and go for it. If she rejects you, it’s going to feel awkward, awful and maybe terrible, but you’ve got the goods to face rejection and take it like a man. You’ve also got the goods to go for it, and give it your all and see what’s there.

Next time you take her out, make your move. I know that this can be scary — especially for the first time — but there is no short cut. Believe me — asking her how she feels, talking about your feelings, making sure it’s safe before you tiptoe into a kiss — it’s not very manly. And frankly, she’s apt to feel uncomfortable being put in the position to tell you her feelings rather than having you take the lead. So here’s the good news: you get to be the man, and here’s how you do it.

Try some hand holding. If you take her hand, and she pulls away, chances are she’s not going to be up for the kiss. If you take her hand, and she lets you take it — or she even smiles at you or squeezes your hand back, then you know you’re good to go in for a kiss at the end of the evening. Some other steps that can lead up to a kiss are other forms of touching her affectionately and in a boyfriend-like way. For instance, put your hand on her back when you’re guiding her through a door or a crowd. Let your hand linger on her back. This will give her a sign that you’re interested in more than just casual hugs at the end of a date. If there’s a moment in a conversation where you can touch her hair, or move her hair from her face, but let your hand linger a second beyond what would be enough to actually move her hair, she’ll understand your feelings for her are more than friends. Gently and affectionately touching her in ways that are not sexual, but are ‘more than just friends’ will give you both a reading on how you’re feeling about each other.

Let me know if that helps, and how the date goes.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sex is important in a relationship — especially one where the two of you are in your 20s and should be very vital. I don’t think your sexual needs as you wrote about them are unreasonable at all. But you’re right that something is wrong. So here’s my advice:

Stress can make any person lose their sex drive. It can make them sick, physically. It can wreak havoc on a relationship. Your girlfriend’s long working hours in a stressful medical job may be to blame for her lack of interest in a sexual relationship with you. It doesn’t sound like she’s willing to change her hours, so you’re going to have to change your behavior to see if she will change hers in response.

If there is something she really likes or wants that you don’t give her normally or ever, this might be a good time to consider what I call “deals” that people in relationships make to facilitate a compromise. If your girlfriend loves jewelry or flowers or exotic meals at exclusive restaurants — whatever it is she covets — this may be the time to show up with a gift that she isn’t expecting. She may be so wowed by your generosity that she reciprocates in turn.

Sometimes women begin to feel taken for granted, and if you can show her how much you want and appreciate her, you may just breathe fresh air into the relationship and revive your sex life that way. It’s a great tool for husbands who are in long term relationships where sex drives ebb and flow over decades. Giving a partner or a spouse something they really want that you wouldn’t normally give them, may make them feel appreciated and appreciative — and generous in return!

My next suggestion is that you’re in rut sexually after two years, and you need to seduce her rather than expect her to service you. Check out my book, Romantic Date Ideas, by clicking on the link at the top of the page that says Dating Advice Books, and then scroll down until you see the book. It’s $14.95 and you can order it online. It has lots of different scenarios that you can’t set up yourself to set the mood for a sexy evening (or afternoon — morning!). It’s a cheap fix, so you’d be wise to get the book and read it. (It’s not too long!)

Your girlfriend’s weight gain at her age is a warning light that she’s depressed and/or not taking care of herself. She may feel embarrassed about her weight gain, and this isn’t going to make her feel sexy. You sound like you’re sensitive and encouraging when you tell her how beautiful she is and that she’s the one you want to have sex with, so there’s not a lot more you can do to help her lose the weight. This is something she’s going to have to figure out on her own. My guess is that she’s exhausted from her long hours and stressful job and doesn’t make time to take care of herself beyond sleeping and eating — which would lead anyone to overeat and gain weight. If you can talk to her without judgment or blame about her schedule and lifestyle, she may find the energy within herself to change her own ways and become healthier and more careful with her body and her self. Ultimately, she would be wise to make herself a priority — not her job.

Don’t give up — there’s a lot you can try to make the days you are home from your own job and with your girlfriend, an oasis, and a sexy one at that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like what you’re trying to ask me is if there is potential for a real relationship with your high school boyfriend, 40 years later. My answer is yes — but you’re going to have to do a little work first, to find out how far he’s willing to go to make something work.

If he’s calling you every night, that’s a good thing — he wants to talk to you and he’s making it clear. I understand that you are tired at the end of a work day, and would rather talk to him when you’re not tired. The fact that he doesn’t respond to your verbal request isn’t a big deal. Some people respond to actions more than they do words. This is where [i]you[/i] have to change [i]your [/i]behavior: Don’t pick up the phone when you’re tired. (If you’re worried that you may be missing an emergency call, then get a phone that displays the readout of the phone number of the incoming call before you pick up. That way you can see if the incoming call is an emergency or not. But don’t pick up if you’re tired. Period.)

It’s fine to return his call — but do it on your agenda and give him a little thrill when you do return his call. Wait to call him back until you’re not tired, even if that’s a few days later. When you do talk to him again, be effervescent, enticing, inviting and make him feel so happy he’s talking to you. Sometimes less is more. And if you’re too available, he doesn’t have anything to chase and conquer. Men love chasing women and feeling like they’ve won something. If you’re too available, he may take you for granted, so practice boundaries, and making yourself chase-able.

In fact, make him feel so good talking to you that he’ll really want to see you — in spite of 7 hours distance. You need to entice him a little. Or a lot. Again, this is part of dating, and it would do you good to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, and scrolling down to that book. You can purchase it online. It’s a pretty quick read, and you’ll learn a lot that is going to absolutely help you in this situation — so don’t waste time. This guy sounds like he has a lot of potential for you.

If you’re successful, and you do manage to tempt him into wanting to see you, don’t worry if your home is the one that becomes the base for dating. If he is willing to drive or fly to see you, and things are going well, compromise, by having your home the one where he picks you up and takes you out from, rather than making it 50-50 his house, your house. For now, that dynamic is totally fine. There’s a chapter in Think & Date Like A Man about making your home a place he really wants to be. Your home is an extension of your self. So it’s okay for him to be at your home for now. You’re just dating. Like I said, for now.

And keep in mind your goal: you are interested and wanting to date him to see if there is enough there between the two of you to forge a monogamous, loving relationship that is long term, now that you’re both available again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Before you jump to any conclusions, you should know I’ve dealt with this problem in many, many couples — dating, married, divorced and otherwise. Sex is important in a relationship, barring any medical conditions, and there are ways to get your sex life back on track.

Go to the link at the top of the page and click on Dating Advice Books. Then scroll down and buy my book, Romantic Date Ideas. It’s only $14.95 and it will help you set up situations that are designed to reignite the spark that seems to have gone out in your relationship lately.

Lots of times couples get stuck in a rut and it takes one of you to start heating things up to get the other one turned on. I have lots of tips and advice for different dates that will get things going for the two of you, in this book. For $14.95, you may end up with a sexy relationship again — and at that price, you don’t have to pay an expensive therapist, doctor or lose a great boyfriend because you don’t know how to get out of your rut.

Let me know if it helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When someone disconnects from a relationship it usually means they’re not able or interested to continue in the relationship.

If after six months, your girlfriend is disconnecting, the first thing you can do is ask her if she’s noticed she’s disconnecting. I know this sounds too obvious, but sometimes people don’t realize they’re disconnecting because their attention is on something else. She may have some stress in her life that you don’t know about. She may not even realize she’s disconnecting, and a simple bump from you in the form of a question asking her if she notices, may be all it takes to put her back on track.

If she does know she’s disconnecting and is doing it purposefully, it would be nice if she could tell you why. There may be a problem and a good reason, and it may be something that the two of you can work on. But this assumes she has the tools to work on a problem. It doesn’t hurt, however, to ask. In fact, I’d advise it.

And lastly, she may just be breaking up with you or is no longer interested in you and this is her way of showing you she’s moving on. If that’s the case, then it’s okay to be hurt and disappointed. It’s not okay to wallow in it. Check out my book, Date Out of Your League, by clicking on the link at the top of the page that says Dating Advice Books, then scroll down and order my book. It will help you get out there and get dating again and to find someone who’s fabulous and who wants you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right. No mother should abandon her children for a guy. Children need their mothers, and there are plenty of men who want women who put their children first because these men understand how important their own mothers’ were in their lives and aren’t threatened by a mother’s responsibilities to her children. So that alone should be enough for you to walk away from this woman.

But if that’s not enough, the fact that she’s still connected and possibly dating and engaged to an abusive man who’s threatened you, too, should tell you that she’s got emotional baggage that is going to make it impossible for her to be in a peaceful and loving relationship any time soon. Are you ready for the check yet? It’s time to go!

Let this woman walk out of your life, and move on. But when you do, pause and try and figure out what it was about her that you were attracted to because that’s a place in [i]your [/i]life, where [i]you[/i] need to do some work.

You sound like you really understand what’s right and wrong, but there’s some part of you that wants to save wounded women. You have to understand that not all wounded women who appear to want to be saved, really want permanent saving. Some of them just like or are addicted to the drama of the saving. Then once they’re saved, they need another drama fix, and they start looking for the next place they can get that adrenaline and drama high.

My advice to you is to understand that you can’t save the world, or even some of the people who don’t want to be really saved, in it. But you sound like you have a lot to offer, so make sure you’re in a healthy relationship so that you can continue to be productive in your life. A healthy woman who wants a peaceful and happy relationship with you is going to make your life, alone and with her, an asset to yourself, each other, and the world.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you know the answer to your own question, but I’m happy to clarify them for you. When you broke off the relationship because of the distance, your boyfriend took the break up seriously. When you realized that you made a mistake because you missed him more than you minded the distance, and proposed getting back together, he wasn’t completely on board this time. He’s probably waiting for you to put something like the distance ahead of the relationship again, and his heart isn’t into the relationship the way it used to be before you broke up with him the first time.

He’s not contacting you as much because he’s not sure he wants to invest himself in a relationship that you already broke off because of the distance. And….he may have decided that this relationship isn’t worth the investment of his time and energy just yet or ever.

All that said, you shouldn’t contact him. You should let him be the man and contact you when he wants you. When he does, you should be your best self and do your best to be attractive and interested in him, but the ball’s in his court, as it should be, during this dating period of your reunion. If he doesn’t call you and doesn’t ask you on a date, then you’ll know for sure he’s moved on, but if you keep initiating contact, and he’s nice and polite and even interested enough to keep talking or texting, you’ll be able to fool yourself into thinking that he could be interested in you.

Remember, actions speak louder than words. Be very quiet and still so you can hear his actions — he’s either going to contact you and ask you out, or he’s not.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

People cheat for different reasons.

Sometimes they cheat because as children, they saw their parents cheat, and subconsciously, they repeat that pattern because it is normal to them. Sometimes they cheat because they want attention from their spouse. Sometimes they cheat because their attraction to someone else is very strong, but has nothing to do with the love they feel for their spouse. Sometimes people lose control of themselves when they get drunk and let their inhibitions take a back seat to desire. And sometimes people cheat because they don’t know how else to get out of a bad relationship, so they cheat to get caught and end a marriage. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!

If you think you’re going to cheat or your partner is going to cheat, the best thing you can do is talk to someone — like me — or a friend or parent to try and figure out what the problem is that is causing the desire to cheat. There’s usually something deeper going on and cheating is just the behavior that presents itself. The problem is more often hidden.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It doesn’t sound like you’re very happy with your boyfriend. In fact, it seems like you don’t like being with him, but you’re also afraid to be without him because that could be even worse. You’re in a really tough spot — always looking out the window to see how other people are treated and comparing yourself to them.

You sound like you’re all over the place emotionally, and I think that rather than work on your relationship, you need to work on you first. You may be looking to your boyfriend to make you feel good about your life, but if you don’t feel good about yourself, no one is going to be able to do that for you.

My guess is that your boyfriend is sensing your discomfort, frustration and unhappiness in the relationship, and that’s not making him feel very good about himself or the two of you. So, unless you can find a way to be okay with your own life, and then choose someone who makes you feel good when you’re with him, you’re constantly going to be in and out of the relationship — either just emotionally or emotionally [i]and[/i] physically, too.

Take a look at your job, your social life and your physique and see if there are places that you might want to work on yourself to make yourself feel better. I bet that if you start taking care of you, the problems with your boyfriend will fall into place. EIther he’ll change in reaction to your changes; you won’t mind his behavior, or you’ll decide he’s not really the one for you. But until you’re centered with yourself, it’s too hard to start making relationship decisions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are right. You know that you want to be romantically involved with her, and not friends. But she’s wanting her cake and to eat it too — in other words, she wants you as a very good friend, but she’s also possibly dating other guys at the same time.

Wrong!!

Your job is to instill boundaries. If she calls you don’t pick up. Instead, call her back on your schedule, and ask her out on a date. Make it very clear that this is a real date and not a couple of pals hanging out. If you have to, say: Would you like to go out on a date with me? Set a time to pick her up. Show up with a single rose or some flowers. Take her to dinner and a movie and kiss her goodnight at the door. Then call her a few days later, and ask her for a second date.

In the meantime, if she says no to the date, hang up, pleasantly. Don’t chat. Don’t text. Don’t e-mail. Ignore her instant messages. Don’t let her set the agenda. You do it. If she tries to talk about it, be firm and clear that you’re interested in her in every way — except as just a friend. And you’re willing to risk it all for her heart.

As long as you go along with her agenda, you’ll end up with what she wants, and not what you want. But if you are the one who sets the agenda and ignores hers, then you’re the man in charge. You may find this to be a complete turn on to her, and something she’s not used to. If she likes you enough to phone you every day, she may be in for the boyfriend to end all boyfriends in you. And if she isn’t interested in someone as fabulous as you, she’s not that great after all.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to tell your wife that your marriage is at a crossroads, and unless the two of you are able to repair it, it will fail and end in divorce. She needs to understand that you are at the end of your rope but that your first choice by a long shot is to make things work with her and to honor your marriage.

The trick is to let her know the severity of the situation without putting her on the defense. The ideal is to have the two of you roll up your sleeves and try to work this out, but that’s easier said than done.

First, tell your wife how sorry you are that your looking at porn upset her. The last thing you ever wanted to do was to upset her. Then try and help her understand that this wasn’t something you are chronically addicted to. You’re not a porn addict. You just were looking at some pictures of naked women. It didn’t change your feelings about her. You just like naked women and you didn’t mean to hurt her. You can try and make amends or tell her how you have — I don’t know if you’ve sworn off porn, or if you’re willing to do so, but something like that might help her feel like she’s won something in what she sees as a loss of power in the marriage. She might have felt rejected because you were looking at other women and not her. See if you can get her to talk about how the porn made her feel because my guess is she is very, very hurt.

Then gently explain to her that sex is important to you as a man and she is the one you desire. You’ve missed her sexually, and you would do anything to get your sex life with her back. See what she says. Let her make the suggestions. Tell her how desirable you find her, and what you miss most about the sex the two of you used to have. The idea here is to make her feel sexual with you. You’re going to have to weave in some seduction with your honesty because she has been so angry, she hasn’t been able to feel sexual. For many women, sex starts in the brain, not the body, and if she feels hurt, angry and rejected, feeling sexual is going to be difficult. Patience coupled with seduction and respect are your friends right now.

If she is unwilling to have sex with you and says that she wants to stay married but not have sex with you, then you have to tell her that you will file for a divorce if that’s her final answer. This is the time when you tell her that as much as you honor and love her, you’re a vital man who has sexual needs, and you’re not interested in cheating, so if she can’t find a way to meet you halfway in the bedroom, the marriage is over. You are going to want joint custody of the children because you want to share in raising them, and you may re-marry and give them a stepmother who will love them, too, in their second home. This will and should startle her, because while she thinks she has control over your marriage now, she will lose all control over the marriage, the child-rearing and your family, in a divorce. It would be wiser for her to find a way to cut a deal with her that makes her feel better about you, the marriage, and herself (because that’s what this is really about), and to get your marriage back on track sexually.

And by the way — one tool that might help you both is my book, Romantic Date Ideas, that will help you spice things up in the relationship and the bedroom. You can get it by clicking on the link above for Dating Advice Books, then scrolling down until you get to Romantic Date Ideas.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are correct. You will be chasing him if you contact him first, after you’ve asked him for his number first. So stop! He knows you’re interested. He has your number. The ball is in his court. Don’t do another thing until he calls you and asks you out on a date.

I know it’s hard not to be excited about the possibilities of what could be, but reality is your friend. If this guy doesn’t call you, he’s not right for you. If he does, then he is.

Now, you have to do the hard part — move on with your life, and try not to think about him. You’ve done your work in this part of the relationship. What you need to do next is not to dwell on him or a fantasy relationship.

Instead, go out and be your best self. Focus on your appearance, your inner self, your work, your friends and family (Did I say buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man? If not, buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, scrolling down, and ordering the book. It will take you step by step through the path of dating and romance success.). This is hard because it means stopping the momentum you got going by bumping into him, chatting, and exchanging numbers. But the reality is as the man, he’s the one who has to build the momentum — not you.

You have to get out there and be available and wonderful and play the numbers game by meeting lots of men who may be right for you — and if he calls and asks you out, then he’ll be the lucky one to get a date with you. But until then, don’t text, don’t call, and don’t give up, but don’t dwell on something that hasn’t happened.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The hardest part of any relationship can be allowing a second person their own personality, their own feelings, and their own behavior! But you are going to be tortured until you face reality. And then it’s not going to be so pleasant either, but it’s the only way to have peace and happiness in the long run.

Your boyfriend is making things so clear for you: he isn’t interested in you. I’m sorry, but you can’t make him want you when he doesn’t. When you write that he’s adamantly refusing to become romantically involved with you — you have your own answer.

I wonder what it is about a man who doesn’t want to be with you, that you want so much.

So, here’s what you do. You stop calling, texting, e-mailing and running into him. The reason is because you are too valuable to waste your time with someone who isn’t interested in you. You start spending time in places where available men are doing productive things — like working, working out, lunching, or hanging out with your good friends.

If you’re calm enough to sit down and read, you’d do well to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Relationship Advice Books tab at the top of the page, then scrolling down and buying the book for $15. It will help you step by step to start dating eligible and fantastic men who want to be with you and will bring you romance and happiness.

In the meantime, I feel your panic and your pain, but unless you change your own behavior, there’s no chance of anything good happening in the near future. Change your course, however, and love and romance are yours for the having.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The important thing is not the surname, it’s spelling, it’s weirdness or it’s changeability. The important thing is your relationship with your fiance. If he has strong feelings about [i]you[/i] taking his name when you marry, as a part of [i]his[/i] family tradition, that should trump spelling of the name. If your fiance sees your taking his name as an important part of your relationship, then you should do it.

What you need to understand is that when your father changed his own name, he did it himself. Your fiance doesn’t want to change his name, and he wants you to take it. When you tell him you don’t like his name and you don’t want to take it, it’s emasculating. This is very different from your father changing his own name. You’re not the man. You’re the woman. You have to respect the man in your relationship — your husband (not your father), and you have to honor him as you begin your marriage.

Marriage is a tradition that is conventional. As the woman, you get the better jewelry in an engagement and a marriage. He gets to start a family by giving his bride his family name. Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for the wedding, and sometimes the groom’s family kicks in, but the bride’s family is usually the planning family. People honor these timely traditions as part of the convention of marriage. Be careful when you start writing your own rules — because you’re giving him carte blanche to write his own, too. This is not a good start.

Your family is just one of two families that are blending as you and your fiance marry. There are traditions on both sides of the newly blended family, and this tradition honors the man and his family. You would be wise to go along with it.

There are a lot of compromises to be made in long term relationships and marriage. Get used to them. Taking his surname is at most a nuisance to you and a big step to him. His feelings trump your inconvenience. Trust me, that at some point in your marriage and life together, you’ll want something from him that he doesn’t understand or agree with, and he’ll be able to remember how you did this for him. For instance, you may want to stay home and raise your children — while he may think it doesn’t make sense, for you it’s a big deal. He’ll be able to remember that you took his name even though you didn’t think it was going to be a good idea, but you did it for him.

These kinds of compromises are what make marriages work and what make spouses feel good about each other. When you’re single you’re used to doing things your own way all the time. It’s tough to get used to sharing and compromising, but this is a great place to start. And, it’s a great story you can tell your future children one day when they need to learn about compromise.

[Member]

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