[April Masini, your AskApril]

By asking him to take your last name, or surname, you’ve pretty much emasculated him in one fell swoop.

It is traditional for a woman to take a man’s last name, and for her children by him to take his last name. Your future children will probably feel more comfortable taking their father’s last name, no matter how unattractive or weird it is, rather than having a different last name than their father by taking their mother’s maiden name. And if they ever find out that they don’t have their father’s last name, and that he wanted them to, they are going to have some problems reconciling what happened. Children like tradition and consistency. So if you’re being honest, at least admit that it’s easier for your future children to have the norm — their father’s last name, regardless of how unattractive it is. You’re the only one who doesn’t like it.

Many women change their names to their husbands’ names, legally, but they use their maiden name for their work where they’ve already established a career if they marry after they’ve got a career under their belts. This is more of a career compromise than just not liking a name that their husband brings. But, it is a compromise you may want to adopt.

But, legally changing your name when you marry is not just a tradition, it makes lots of legalities like taxes, passports and other business matters like credit cards and medical records easier for the outside world to understand. Sometimes when women divorce they change their name back to their maiden name to let the outside world know they’re no longer married. But if they have children, often, they keep their married name for the sake of the kids — so that they all have the same name, as a family — divorced or “in tact”. And some women who divorce actually keep their married name even after the divorce as a nod to the decisions that they’ve made in their own lives and out of respect to the marriage that they had, even if it ended.

Marriage is a social convention, and if you’re going to take that convention, it makes a lot of sense to adopt the convention of taking your husband’s name.

Aside from convention, if you reject your fiance’s last name, you’re rejecting a part of him — and a part of his family. This is not a good way to start a marriage. There’s a clause in the marriage vow that says “for better or for worse” and it’s referring to lots of situations — including a lousy last name. You don’t know what the future may bring, and one day your fiance and future husband may not like some part of you or your family, but with any luck and character, he will accept it because it’s part of you. You would be wise to do the same now, starting with taking his last name if that is what he wants. It’s a small compromise to make in a marriage that should last the rest of your life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I love answering questions, but for future, please start a new post and a new thread with your question so that others can see it as a new question and not a continuation of someone else’s. Okay?

Now, the important thing you have to remember is that you get to set your own agenda, and if she doesn’t follow it, you always have the choice to move on. In other words, while she wants to just be friends, and you only want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you can give her what she wants — by getting to be with you — but only by offering her time together on dates and in romantic situations. In other words, you have to man up and set the agenda.

[i]You[/i] ask her out on [i]dates[/i]. Call them dates and not invitations to hang out. Make them real dates. Let there be no misunderstanding that dinner and a movie with a rose for her when you show up at her door, and a kiss at the end of the night (or more!) is what you’re all about. If she invites you to “hang out” in a friend situation, you can very simply say no, you’re busy. Don’t stay on the phone. Don’t hang out. Don’t give her any reason to be able to call you her friend. You’re her date or her boyfriend. End of story.

When she calls you to wake her up, ask her out on a date. If she says no, get off the phone. If she says yes, tell her how glad you are to be seeing her later, and get off the phone. Just because she wants to spend all her time with you doesn’t mean you should. In fact, she’s trying to set the relationship up as friends, and your job is to set it up as a man/woman dynamic. This requires you to set up boundaries, be clear about what you want, and be ready to take rejection if it comes.

If she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend, then you need to cut it off with her. If you don’t, you’re going to be miserable wanting more, not getting it, and eventually finding out and seeing her date other men. Blech. If you do have to cut it off, she may realize that she misses you so much, she really does want to go out with you. You may have sold yourself short in the short run, and you need to take yourself off the table and not be so easy for her to get time with, in order to allow her to realize your true value. And then again, if she’s decided she just doesn’t like you that way, you should be grateful she’s saving you time and heart ache so you can move on to someone who does want you for the man that you are.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, let me get this straight: [i]You[/i] approached him. [i]You[/i] invited him to [i]your[/i] home. You had sex with him. And now you want to turn the tables and you suddenly expect him to approach you?

I sincerely doubt that is going to happen. Especially since you learned in the course of your evening that this guy isn’t really boyfriend material. He probably isn’t going to suddenly do a 180 degree turn and become someone he’s not.

In response to your question about how to face this guy again in daylight because you’re embarrassed about your behavior during the prior night, I think reality is probably the best place to start. No more approaching men you don’t really know, when you’re drunk, and inviting them back to your apartment for sex. And when you go to the gym, I’d suggest you take a cue from this guy who seems to focus on his workout rather than his social life when he’s in the gym. For now.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting someone in the gym — in fact, it’s a great place for singles to meet. But right now, you need to focus on damage control. This guy may tell his friends about his encounter with you, and your reputation may become tainted in your gym. If this happens it’s probably time to change gyms! Unless of course, you’re really there just for the workouts, not the social scene.

It sounds like you don’t want any more contact with this guy, and I’d swallow your embarrassment if I were you and keep to yourself in the gym. If you lock eyes, you can smile, but I would not advise you to do any more pursuing of this guy. In fact, I never advise women to pursue men. Yes, you’re going to feel embarrassed, and yes, you will get over it with time. But stay on your pilates machine or your spinning cycle, and focus on your workout for now. Not him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to end this relationship firmly and cleanly. You have a lot at stake to lose, and without passing judgment on what you have done to your marriage, if your wife ever finds out you cheated, at any point in your marriage, she may not be forgiving.

Tell your girlfriend that she deserves a man who is available in every way to her, and that it’s best for both of you to not see each other again. Tell her that you realize that as long as the two of you are connected in any way, you aren’t being true to yourselves or to anyone else in your lives, and you’re ready to let go of what you had with her with as much grace as you can muster. Do this face to face and don’t leave any crack of the door open to a future meeting. Don’t call or take her texts or e-mails afterwards.

This is a delicate situation, but you have to understand that there is not much in the relationship with you for her, and the best thing you can do is to save your family any pain.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re focusing your energy on the wrong person in the relationship — him! What you really need to do to find some peace and happiness is to focus your energy on yourself.

Instead of trying to change your boyfriend, you’d do better to decide whether or not you want to change yourself. It’s impossible to change someone else. They change because [i]they[/i] want to and they feel that there is a pay off to changing. They do not change because someone else tells them to. It just doesn’t work that way.

It sounds like your boyfriend has a frat boy personality some of the time, but is also very sensitive and loving some of the time, also. To me, this doesn’t sound like he has a split personality. It sounds like he’s got a male and female side, which is normal, and that he likes having both of those sides. He likes having you as his girlfriend, and he likes having his guy social life, too.

You could decide to accept the way he is and dwell on the good parts of his personality and the relationship, rather than dwelling on what you don’t like. Or, you could decide that this isn’t good enough for you, and you want someone different.

The middle ground is a little more sophisticated, but I think you can handle it. Men do what makes them feel good, so if you can reward him or make him feel good for doing what it is you like, then chances are, he will try to do what you like more often so that he can feel good more often. This path will take some work on your part, but the worst thing that happens is it doesn’t work, and you’re no worse off than when you wrote me.

You might also want to look towards the future because what you’re describing in your boyfriend as a problem, could actually be a very integral part of a successful relationship down the road. There may come a time when you, yourself, may want to behave one way with your boyfriend (or possibly your husband by then), and another when you’re out with the girls. You may also want to behave a third way with your children, and even a fourth way with parents and in-laws. So what you’re describing in your boyfriend could actually be a relationship asset if you just take a few steps back and look at things from a different perspective.

If I were you, I’d try to make things work and be a little more understanding of who this wonderful man is — with all his facets!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have a very difficult decision to make, but unless you make it the decision, it will be made for you.

You have to decide if you’re going to displease your parents and try to make things work with your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend, or if you’re going to please your parents and try to find a man that is more to their liking culturally. There is no right or wrong answer, but you have to make a decision and this is a life defining decision. You are old enough and mature enough to make this decision, but it is going to be difficult nonetheless.

If you choose your parents’ cultural mores then you will lose your Indian boyfriend for good. If you choose your Indian boyfriend then you will lose your parents for the short term, and possibly the long-term.

The one thing you need to understand is that when your boyfriend asked you to choose between your male friend on Facebook or him, what he really meant was choose your parents or him. He was just projecting his feelings onto your male friend. He feels like you’re cheating on him — but the people he feels you’re being loyal to instead of him are your parents — not any other man. That’s the root of the problem.

In addition, be prepared for your father to feel betrayed because you were dishonest with him. You withheld the truth and you snuck around because you weren’t strong enough to tell him the truth and face his displeasure and anger. He is going to be twice as furious now because he won’t like your cultural choice in boyfriends and because you lied to him, but you are going to have to take responsibility for that. So be forewarned that that storm will come if you tell your father about your boyfriend.

Living two separate lives and keeping the truth from someone — especially someone you love (even if you disagree with them) will usually result in a feeling of betrayal and a possible lack of trust. While it’s easier in the short run to lie to someone (your father in this case), in the long run, the truth always comes home to roost and you will have to face the music one day.

If you do decide to choose your boyfriend, you absolutely do have the right to ask him to convert to your family’s religion. And it would probably be wise to be honest with him in a way you haven’t been with your father, by telling him that that is what your family wants. Your boyfriend also has the right to say no, but you must both respect each other’s rights to ask and answer. So I would encourage you to ask him. He may want to make that step as a conciliatory gesture to your family — especially if he knows what a big risk it is for you to choose him against your father’s wishes.

Regardless, it’s time for you to do some big growing up and figuring out who you are, and what kind of adult life you want to live. Again, the only wrong decision you could make is to be untrue to yourself.

And for future, I would encourage you to be honest with the people you love and find the strength to face their displeasure with your decisions rather than lying to them and creating problems like this one. I wish you good luck on this because there is a lot at stake.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s definitely not over. Not yet, anyway.

For many women, sex is not as important or as recognized a need as it is for most men. It can be normal for your girlfriend’s sex drive to dwindle after a few years. In long term relationships a woman’s sex drive can go through peaks and valleys depending on physical and emotional changes. Stress can affect a sex drive, too.

The important thing for you to try and do is to get your sex life with your girlfriend back on track — or at least on a better track than it is now. Sex is important in the relationship and your girlfriend would be wise to understand that a healthy sex life in any relationship with a man is important. The best thing you can do is explain to her how sex is a crucial part of your well-being — and she is the one you want to have the sex with! Don’t make her feel defensive, but do explain to her that you need to have regular sex in your relationship with her in order for it to work out at all. The idea is not to give her an ultimatum but to let her know that without sex in your relationship, the whole thing won’t work.

I’ve written a great book for you and people like you who are in a coupled relationship and want to get the spice back in their relationship. It’s called Romantic Date Ideas and it will give you options for dates out and in that will help lead you and your girlfriend back to the track where sex is fun and integral to your relationship. You can click on the Dating Advice Books link above, and scroll down to find Romantic Date Ideas — and order it online, easily. I think this book will really help guide you back to romancing your girlfriend so she’s in the mood again.

Remember that long term relationships take work — and things like sex which once seemed to happen so easily and naturally, often take a little work (or sometimes a lot of work) to get back on track. But it sounds like so much else in your relationship is going well that it’s worth the effort to try working this out and not calling it quits.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, it’s unrealistic for you to spend four months together with your boyfriend, during which time he tells his ex-girlfriend he loves her and that you are paranoid, psycho, clingy, immature, and that he’ll be glad when you two are separated by his impending out of state move, after which he then up and moves with his family to Texas — and expect this to work in the long run. Sorry if this is blunt, but you need to smell the coffee so you don’t get hurt any further.

Second, when you said that you needed to “monitor” him and have him “hand over” his computer passwords to you, the dynamic you’re described isn’t one between two mutually respecting and supportive people who love each other. It sounds like a mother and child relationship. I’m sure that’s not what you want with any man.

But bottom line, you and this boyfriend started your relationship by you helping him get over another relationship, so it’s pretty clear that your instincts were right that this is a rebound relationship for him. He also told you from the beginning that it was going to be a four to five month relationship after which time he was moving to Texas, so you were forewarned that this was temporary. You ignored his warning that this was going to be a short term thing and went ahead with the relationship anyway.

You became intimate (Oral sex and mutual masturbation count as sex!) and emotionally attached, and let your feelings delude you about what was really happening with the relationship.

Your four to five year porn addiction doesn’t have anything to do with your boyfriend since it predates him and post dates him. But I do think you’re telling him about it to try and create a dramatic connection with him since you’re both so far away from each other.

Sooooo, I hope that this wasn’t too harsh for you to hear, but I think it’s necessary for you to see it all spelled out so that you can move on and let this guy have his life in Texas while you have your life in a different state. Focus on yourself, and focus on getting out there and meeting someone who’s available for a real relationship that isn’t a rebound and that isn’t long distance. While the break up will hurt in the short run, the pay off in the long run will be rich. I promise!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, you are rushing.

I’m pretty sure that’s not what you want to hear, but that’s what’s going on. For some reason you’re very anxious about controlling the relationship rather than letting it take it’s own course in it’s own time. While it’s clear you want more, it’s also clear your boyfriend thinks things are going too quickly. The relationship is the sum total of [i]both[/i] of your feelings and actions. If you try to commandeer the relationship and force your boyfriend into living together before he’s ready, he’s going to react negatively or act out at you creating drama and fighting.

So take a step back, even though it’s scary to you to go from “faux” living together to “just dating”, and see how things progress on a more natural time frame, namely one where both partners’ feelings are taken into account. I think that the age difference between the two of you doesn’t have to be an issue at all, but I think at 29, your boyfriend is taking this relationship more seriously, ironically. He doesn’t want to rush into something he’s not sure about. And I’m sure you don’t want to rush him if it means the relationship backfiring on you. If he’s not introducing you to his friends or family, he’s not taking the relationship that seriously, and moving in together under those circumstances would be a mistake.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that this is so hard for you. Your feelings of hurt and disappointment and even longing are understandable. But the good news is that you’re really rounding a corner in your own growth and that is going to bring you a lot of happiness and satisfaction in the long run.

It’s very important for you to differentiate between feelings and behavior. In your life you are going to love lots of men, but very few of them are going to be the right ones to be in a committed, intimate relationship with you. As you mature, which you’re doing right in front of the mirror at this moment, you’re going to understand what you want and what you need in a relationship to make you feel safe, supported and happy. A man who takes care of you emotionally and otherwise will put you in a position to flourish as a woman. Your soon to be ex-boyfriend is too needy to put you in a position of health and happiness. Ideally, you’ll meet a man who feels like his best self when he’s doing the right thing by you. That’s when you’ve found Mr. Right.

You and your soon to be ex-boyfriend are both afraid of being alone. The irony is you’re not alone in feeling this fear. Millions of singles join you in not wanting to be alone. But that’s the good news — because there are so many men who want to be in a relationship and want to do right by you. You just have to get out there and find them.

Fifteen bucks buys you my book, Think & Date Like A Man, if you click on the Dating Advice Books link above and buy it. If you read five pages a day, or one chapter a day, you’ll have a daily guide to help you through this rough time and show you how and what to do next.

I know your heart aches now, but I believe you have a very bright future of ahead of you in love and relationships. Keep going.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s overreacting.

You have to decide what kind of relationship you want. Some people want relationships that are simple and work easily most of the time. Some people really like drama and deep analysis.

It seems like this misunderstanding of you calling him back late, could have been handled very easily if your boyfriend — or ex-boyfriend at this point — wasn’t so bent on having his own feelings not only understood, but put on a pedestal. There are lots of times in life when you can’t call someone back right away. If this is how he reacts, you’re in for a rough ride if you two ever marry and have children. There will be lots of people gunning for your time and attention, and if this is how he reacts, you’re going to really have a dramatic road ahead — and not in a good way.

His issues are way too complicated for him to be in a healthy relationship at this time. My advice to you is to focus on your own health and being with very healthy people. I think you’ll find a lot more joy in life that way — both individually and collectively.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend is very good at getting married and having kids. He’s not so good at staying married or staying with the women he’s had the kids with. In fact, if he’s in a different state than his three kids by different women, then he’s not so great at being a dad, either. I think that you need to realize your boyfriend really likes having a woman’s company and he’s good at getting a woman’s company. But I think you need to trust your instincts more and take care of yourself. After all, that’s what he’s doing — taking care of [i]him[/i]self.

If after a year of dating he’s not ready to call the two of you a couple, I’d take that as a big warning light that he’s not someone who’s going to commit and stay. It sounds like you’re giving him a lot of free passes and not honoring yourself. If you’re in your late 30s and you want to get married and have kids, you need to take dating very seriously. Don’t waste any more time with this guy. You hit the nail on the head when you said he’s doing some of the things a boyfriend does, but not others. Let me clarify for you: He’s doing enough boyfriend things to keep you in the game, but not enough to commit to you. In English that means you’re being played.

He may have feelings for you, but he’s not behaving the way he should with a woman who deserves the very best. Be that woman.

Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, pronto. At your age, you will really benefit from this book. It’s going to spoon feed you the rules to making yourself the prize that a man who is right for you wants to win. But until you consider yourself the prize, and keep making concessions and excuses for a guy you suspect of cheating with you (and have even caught on a dating website while he was supposedly your boyfriend), you’re never going to find Mr. Right. Just Mr. Right Now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, thank you for buying my book. Let me know if it helps and how. I have a lot of confidence that it’s going to show you some new directions in dating that you haven’t thought of yet! So tell me what you think.

As for your continuing dilemma with Cedric, and now, his friend, Ken, too, I think you [i]are[/i] overanalyzing and you’re also getting involved in drama which is just going to complicate things. Since you’re a sociology and psychology student, you may enjoy the drama and the analysis, but as a real life player in the dating game, it’s going to render you a loser!

My advice to you is to stop talking to Cedric about Ken and stop talking to Ken about Cedric. You have every right to be friends or date either one of them — or even both of them. What’s going to land you in trouble is if you create a psychological threesome, by talking to Ken about what you both think Cedric is doing and feeling, and talking to Cedric about what Ken is doing and feeling. If the subject comes up, you can change the subject or say, point blank, “Let’s talk about something else. I don’t really want to talk about Ken (or Cedric).” And leave it at that.

You’re going to have to learn to put up some boundaries with men. First of all, stop talking to each guy about the other guy. Second, don’t volunteer your apartment as a hang out pad. When Ken asks you to hang out, you can say, great, but let him invite you out somewhere. This is going to be harder than it sounds. Let him do the inviting, and plan the outing. This will help clarify the situation for both of you, although it may be hard for you to not to volunteer to do what you think is helping, by offering your place. What this does is to put them in the position of being the man in the relationship, and orchestrating the get together. It also puts you in the position of being the woman in the relationship by being the one who gets put on the pedestal (even if it’s just for a burger and a beer!) and gets taken care of by the man.

I think that both men like you, but it’s up to you to be girlfriend material and not just friend material, or Ms. Right Now material (as opposed to Ms. Right material). You are the one who is going to have to modify her behavior. There are a lot of tips my book about this dynamic. And the surprise you’re all going to find, I believe, is that the men are going to like feeling like the men, and they’re both going to want to feel that more often. And if you’re the one who makes them feel that way, then guess what? They’re going to start pursuing you — but pursuing you as the woman, not the good time girl, fill in friend when it’s a lame Friday night with nothing better to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Love is one thing — compatibility is another. You can have feelings of lust and feelings of commitment towards someone, but it doesn’t mean that you’re compatible for one another or right for one another. You may feel like you’re in love with your boyfriend, but you seem to be very unhappy with the relationship, and you have every reason to be.

You don’t need to give your boyfriend an ultimatum. All you have to do is pay attention to what’s going on with him. He’s pulling away from you. This is a sign he’s not so interested in being with you. I know you’re upset and disappointed, but don’t rationalize away what’s happening. It’ will serve you better to deal with it head on.

If he doesn’t return your texts or initiate any contact in terms of calls, texts or e-mails, [i]and [/i] he doesn’t make plans to see you on his own — and when he does, he brings his cousin along, he’s sending you a very clear message that he’d rather do other things than spend time with you.

It’s easy to blame his cousin for not letting you stay in their apartment for more than 3 days, but what’s more difficult and more valuable is for you to consider why your boyfriend isn’t standing up for you spending more time with him.

If a man isn’t that interested in you, it’s a waste of your time to chase him and send ultimatums. Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above. You’ll get a lot of good advice for getting through this situation and moving on in a healthy and happy way.

In the meantime, understand that while you’re unhappy, you have reason to be grateful that this guy is being so clear in not wanting to be a committed and supportive boyfriend. He’s saving you wasted time! You should be the prize that men want to chase and feel lucky to have captured. When you start doing the chasing and the chastising for his bad behavior, the tables have turned, and you’re not the woman he wants or, I’m sure, the woman [i]you[/i] want to be, yourself.

It’s been a year, and this is the time when he should be showing more of a commitment, not less — if he’s interested. But he’s not. Move on and find a man who wants to be with you and is happy to hear from you and see you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s playing you. He’s manipulating you. He’s taking advantage of you.

An “I love you,” from a guy who’s simultaneously dating your friend, promising to date someone else when she gets back in town, and who clearly wants to date a lot of women at the same time, means nothing. I bet he says, “I love you,” to several girls several times each day. Talk is cheap, and this guy’s talk is bargain basement cheap!

If you date this guy you will be one of many girls he’s doing this to. You will never be his one and only. He’s going to tell lots of women he loves them, and that he wants to be with them while he’s with you and/or other women at the same time. He’s not a one woman guy by a long shot.

You’re going to get your heart broken. You’re going to create and be part of a lot of drama if you continue talking to and seeing this guy.

Drop this guy and find a guy who is actually available and wants you for who you are, and not just as another conquest or notch in his belt. Find someone who values you, and who will be loyal and supportive and give you his whole heart and attention. You’ll have a lot more fun and a lot more romance that way. Unless you do this, you’re going to devalue yourself, and I would hate to see that for you.

[Member]

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