[April Masini, your AskApril]

You sure do like drama! It’s no wonder you want to know what’s going to happen next. You’re creating your own personal romantic thriller. But I have to advise you to hit up the library and check out a stack of romances where no one in real life will get hurt. What you’re doing is going to get a lot of people hurt including you.

First of all, find someone to date or flirt with who isn’t dating your friend. You’re going to lose a friend in the process if you start dating this guy.

Second of all, if this guy really liked you that much, he wouldn’t be dating your friend. He’d be dating you. He’s playing you, and if he’s playing you now, he’ll play you again when he’s your boyfriend, if that ever happens.

Third, the reason he walks you away from a group of friends is because he doesn’t want his friends to know or think he likes you. If a guy really likes you, he’s going to want to show you off and be proud that you’re his. He’s keeping you on the side, and that means you’re not that important to him.

I think you can do a lot better than this guy. Find someone who’s willing to put you first and foremost, and isn’t going to flirt with you and ask for a big kiss when he’s already got a girlfriend. You should be with someone who wants you to be number one. Not next in line.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for clarifying your ages. Now knowing that’ he’s 33, I think he is too young to be going through a mid-life crisis. It really helps to know everyone’s ages up front.

When he shuts you out by rejecting your food and your company, he’s lashing out at you. You aren’t the cause of his upset, but you become the object of his anger. You’re a safe place for him to act out because he feels close to you. I agree with you that this problem sounds a lot deeper than it appears on the surface, and the source of his depression is something more than just not being able to rock climb, or getting over a chronic shoulder injury.

If this pattern continues, eventually, you’re going to feel chipped away at each time it recurs. Each time he gets depressed, takes you down with him, then apologizes and you two get back on track, you’re going to carry a little more resentment over the years. The residual resentment is going to build. Ironically, eventually you’ll have the same problem he does. Every time he goes into this kind of depression, you’re going to eventually have a twin anger and/or depression caused by his historical pattern of acting out at you, and getting to you by doing it.

Ideally, you can find a way to not let this bother you. That way it becomes his problem. Not yours. Right now, it’s your problem, too. So, either accept this part of him, but know you can’t fix it, and focus on yourself when he goes into his black hole of depression. Give him those once a day pep talks for a week or so, but then it’s probably futile. Or, you can try to help him get to the root of the problem when he’s not upset, by trying to talk to him about the what’s behind his actions and his feelings. But you can only try.

When your partner gets depressed, if you keep yourself healthy, rather than focusing on his depression, you’ll be giving him a healthy partner to be with, a healthy environment, and while you can be empathetic, you don’t have to take on his depression yourself.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I am not a doctor, but I can assure you that if you do research on post-partum depression, you’ll find a range of definitions and time frames for how long it can last and what the symptoms are. And while having an 18 month old doesn’t qualify you as the mother of a newborn, you still have a young baby at home who is 100% dependent on you, and depression, hormone changes, lack of sleep and the simple but profound change in your family — from just the two of you to three of you — require enormous adjustments and transitions. This can be and usually is a bumpy road. So before you write off post partum or other new mother depression, see your physician for an exam and talk to him or her about this to rule it out.

But it truly does sound like you are in an impossible situation. I understand that you don’t want a divorce because you feel that your parents made a mistake by divorcing when you were young, and that hurt you. You want to do things differently in your adult lifetime. However, the reality is that not everyone can get past an infidelity, or in your case, twin infidelities. The fact that you and your ex-husband/boyfriend both have wandering eyes and have both cheated on each other (with or without permission doesn’t really matter as much as the fact that you both slept with other people while in a relationship) doesn’t speak well of a future relationship, especially since you’ve already divorced once. Statistics for divorce are high, but statistics for divorce in second marriages are higher, and third ones are even higher than first or second marriages. The reason is that your relationship is now more complicated than before the first marriage.

Of course it would be wonderful if you and your ex-husband/boyfriend could make things work, re-marry and raise your child together as a family, but if you can’t, remember what is important for your child. Consistency and stability is what kids crave and you can actually have more consistency and stability in a divorced home than a dysfunctional married home. In addition, it isn’t the divorce that hurts the children so much as the conflict between the parents that hurts the kids. So if you can keep things clear with your child’s father, and limit the conflict, your child has a very good chance of a lovely life with two parents who love him, but are divorced and don’t live together.

Ultimately, you have to gather up all your maturity and understand that you can’t have everything because it’s impossible. Make some decisions about how you’re going to live, and [i]you[/i] make the commitment, whether it’s to living as a single mother with joint custody of your child, or living as a mother in a marriage or committed, long term relationship with your son’s father. But if there’s continued infidelity in the relationship, not only is it not going to work in the long term, you’re going to hurt each other over and over.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I was hoping that you’d read my advice and draw the conclusion that you deserve better.

But after reading your response, that you’re going to consider accepting him as he is, I want to urge you to drop him. He isn’t long term boyfriend material because he puts you so low on his priority scale. You’re not going to be able to change him because he’s so clear with you that you just don’t rank.

If your friend dies, you’re grieving and he doesn’t want to be with you, what do you have in him, really? Not much. And why would you give your heart, your body and your company to someone who doesn’t value you?

Your relationship is not as valuable to him as his own life without you is. Take the hint he’s giving you, and run with it. Get out there and find someone who does value you and who would drop what they’re doing to be by your side if a friend died. Don’t waste another minute of your time.

I hope that’s clearer for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your friend has made things very clear — I’m not sure why you think this is confusing.

If he doesn’t return your texts or e-mails or phone calls, you’re not enough of a priority for him to spend the time to do so. That doesn’t mean you may not be one day down the line, but for you put all your eggs in the basket of a guy you went out with once is risky dating behavior!

I know you think this guy is amazing, but the reality is you’ve only had one date. It’s really too soon for you to make that kind of judgment. It sounds like he has some great qualities about him, and I think being employed, being interested in a career, and working hard at the career are all assets for any man. But not responding to your attempts for contact or worse, initiating his own, sends a clear message that he’s not that interested right now.

So my advice to you is to play the numbers game in dating. My book, Think & Date Like A Man, which you can buy by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, talks about how important it is to keep dating and putting yourself up to bat so that you have a greater likelihood of hitting a home run in the relationship game. Besides, if you have other dates and other men you’re considering and interested in, you’ll have more choices and a better perspective on what’s available to you. You may find someone just as wonderful who wants to be in contact with you more often. That kind of guy may work better for you.

Some women like being in a relationship with a guy who is so busy and successful that his limited communication isn’t a big deal. Other women would never date such a guy and need more communication to be happy. Right now, this guy isn’t meeting your needs. Don’t fool yourself!

Get out there and date more, and leave the door open if your guy wants to ask you out on a date when he has the time — you’ll either be ready and willing or not.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend is sending you a clear message that your need to have him accompany you somewhere while you are grieving the death of a friend is not that important to him. Your disappointment is understandable. What you did right was express your disappointment to him. What you did wrong was to tell him that he needs to know how to prioritize. He did prioritize! You just weren’t on top of the list of priorities.

Accept who he is, and understand that he is not someone who is going to be there for you in these circumstances. I have to agree with when he argued that you’re trying to manipulate his conscience. I think you want his priorities to be yours and instead of expressing your feelings of sadness and disappointment, you tried to change him and make him feel badly about his decision.

If you choose a boyfriend, don’t try to change him. It will only lead to anger and dysfunction. You can show him new ways to do things and you can show him your feelings, but he’s only going to do what works for him, just as you’re only going to do what works for you. When there’s enough overlap of what works for each of you individually then you have the grounds for a successful relationship. If your boyfriend has enough other good qualities then maybe this is something you can overlook and find a relative or another friend to accompany you during these types of sad times.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is one thing that you need to work on in order to start dating successfully: [i]You don’t like not knowing. [/i]

It’s great that you know this about yourself. Now you need to find a way to temper this trait of yours because the way you dealt with it in this relationship you’re writing me about, was to try and control the relationship after three dates. You came on too strong because you were taking care of your need to know. If you were a little more okay with not liking not knowing, but not necessarily doing anything about it, your now ex-girlfriend might not have been scared off.

Most people don’t like not knowing — and the insurance industry makes tons of money off of everyone’s fear of what the future may bring, and trying to combat against [i]what might[/i] happen. Since there is no relationship insurance, the best you can do is to know that life is going to bring you surprises, and that you’re going to have the fortitude to roll with them.

I know for sure that you are going to be uncomfortable practicing not knowing and not doing anything about it, but I’m also very sure that this will help you in your future relationship with this woman or any other. A lot of women may bristle at your behavior thinking you’re trying to control them when from your point of view, all you’re trying to do is evoke a commitment!

Relationships have to run their course, and the course is a dance when there are two people involved (and in your case, there are eventually going to be three people involved because you have a daughter). You have to make room for the other person to find their way with you and if you come on too strong — even by doing something you think is good, like trying to make someone your girlfriend and get a commitment — you’re going to suck the life out of the relationship.

Slow down. Back off. Be charming and the wonderful guy you are. Don’t lay all your cards on the table up front, and make her realize that while you value her,[u] you’re[/u] someone worth jumping for. If you can do this, I absolutely think that you have another shot at this woman.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how old you both are, and if I knew you were perhaps in your 30s or 40s I might suggest that there’s something else going on here for your partner in terms of his changing body. Many men and women who approach and go through middle age have trouble accepting the changes in their bodies. They can’t quite do what they used to be able to do in the same time. And while your partner may very well have a rock climbing career in front of him if he wants it, he won’t be able to climb the way he might have a decade ago. He’ll need more conditioning and a slower pace at first.

Many men get depressed around this time in life because they feel that part of their life is behind them, which it is, and that there isn’t anything that’s going to be as good as the past in front of them. While I don’t think that’s true, the reality is that this is a transitional time and your partner may be bummed in a bigger way than you realize about this. The rock climbing and the injury may have brought this issue to the surface for him. When he says he feels like a failure, he might be indicating that he can’t do what he did when he was younger, and that makes him feel like he’s failed.

While it is very empathetic of you to want to fix things and make him feel happy and get over his depression and self imposing isolation, the reality is that everyone has their own time table for these issues. If he senses you want him to be different than he’s feeling — even if all you want is for him to be happy — he may think that in fact, you, too, don’t like him the way he is. So back off on wanting to fix him and readjust your thinking about fixing him.

The problem you’re writing me about is really about how you can work around your partner’s healing physically and his depression at being down for the count for a while at least. The best thing you can do is to not put too much focus on your partner’s problem. He already knows how to deal with his shoulder injury since it’s a recurring issue. And if he sees you enabling him, while you may mean well, it could make matters worse. What will help is for him to see you taking care of yourself, and being interested in him, but not obsessed with making him feel better. He’ll get there — but in his own time. And nothing you can do will make time pass more quickly.

Be patient. Be healthy with yourself. Be available to him if he wants to talk or if he wants your opinion or advice. Give him a few cheery and optimistic pep talks that last a total of 30 seconds each, a day, so as not to over do it. Don’t dwell on his injury or depression. In other words, don’t corroborate that this is some great tragedy. It isn’t. Unless you make it that.

He’s going to have to find a way to accept his weak shoulder, his fear of heights and his blue mood, and get out of it himself. You being there and being okay with everything will be the best medicine ever.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

At some point you have to make a decision to stay with him and make it work or to honor your divorce and move on. The set up you have now is very hard to make work in the long run.

It sounds like the issues you have that led up to your divorce are not resolved and are festering. Since you didn’t mention what they are, I’m in the dark here.

I’m not sure how old your child is, but if he’s an infant or a toddler, it’s entirely possible you’re suffering post partum depression. Many women don’t feel sexual or want to have sex after having a baby or while nursing, and this could be contributing to your problems at home. In addition, after having a baby, many men have trouble seeing their wives (or in your case, girlfriends) as sexual beings because they just brought a life into the world. While women may not get this concept, it’s troubling for many men to feel sexual about the mothers of their children. Men can (not always, but it’s possible) have conflicts about sexualizing their women after they’ve given birth — especially if they were in the delivery room while the child was born.

If this is part of what’s going on, it’s your job to make time in the bedroom, and start offering yourself up as a sexual being to your man. You can grab my book, Romantic Date Ideas, by clicking on the link above, Dating Advice Books, for some big time help in this regard. See if you can get your family to babysit your child so you can have some time to make yourself feel more like a woman as opposed to a mom, and give you and your man some romantic time alone. If you’re committed to making your relationship with him work, this book, and the investment in yourself as a sexual woman with a man to please, may make the difference.

But before you do any of this, decide if you want to stay or go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Having a child changes everything. Whatever relationship you are in or will be in is going to affect three people, not just two. So you have to adjust your thinking, your behavior and your choices as a single mother in a way you wouldn’t have to do if you were just single.

I’m not sure what kind of relationship you’re in with your ex-husband now, and if you’re dating him, living with him, not seeing him at all, or something else.

And while it’s very important to put your child first and foremost, you can and should still date and find someone who makes you feel supported, peaceful, happy and who wants to be a stepfather to your child. Ideally, you need someone stable who has what I call “matching luggage” in terms of emotional baggage, and understands what you are going through because he, too, has been there. A single father would be a great choice for you, although you can absolutely make things work with the right man who is single but not a father.

The other important tenet is consistency. This is important for your child and for you, and up until now, you may not have had much of it. You’re going to have to adjust your behavior and that may not be comfortable, but trust me, it will yield you great results in the long run. If you’re going to split up with your ex-husband, then do it and do it cleanly. Make sure you have a visitation schedule and a child support order in place BEFORE you start dating. Knowing where you and your ex stand, legally as well as socially, is key to a happy dating life and a future relationship. Don’t slough it off saying, oh, we’re friends, we can make it work without formality. Trust me, as soon as your ex-husband sees another man starting to be your lover and your son’s stepdad, he’s going to feel differently and he may act out, so get your ducks in a row before you start dating. And conversely, if you start seeing another woman starting to be stepmom to your son, you, too, may start to act out. It’s understandable, but it’s not good for anyone. If you have a legal plan in place, you’re both going to be more ready to move from the same page.

Then, keep your son out of your dating process. It’s confusing for children to see mommy with other men. Only date while your son is with your ex-husband, a babysitter or grandma and grandpa. This may take some discipline on your part since you’re used to dating whenever, wherever, but it will serve you well as a parent and as a woman who takes her child seriously — a single father will really respect you for this. And never have men sleep over your house when your child is present.

If you take these steps, I think you have a great chance of finding a new family life with love and romance for you, and stability, consistency and love in which to raise your son into a fine man.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, you are just friends.

The nice part of this is that your friend helped you figure out that you’re at the point in your life when you’re tired of “the dating game,” and you want to get serious about finding Mr. Right and settling down. If your friend was a woman, this would have been even sweeter because when this friend found someone themselves that they’re interested in, you could have been happy for them instead of feeling betrayed.

What happened is that your friend played the numbers game, and while he was talking to you on the internet, he was also looking and finding someone who was available in real life to date. He didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, everything he did was right.

I wish I could get you to buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man. If you’re interested, you can click on the Dating Advice Books link above, and purchase it online for only $15 and save yourself a lot of heart ache in the future. Please consider doing this.

Until then, remember that if a man is truly interested in you, he’ll make a way to see you in person. This guy was either unavailable or not interested in making a long distance relationship work. He kept you on the hook in case no one better came along in the meantime, but he continued to look.

One of the things I talk about in my book is that dating is a numbers game, and you only get to hit a home run if you’re up to bat. If you only put yourself up to bat once very few months you’re handicapping yourself. It’s okay for you to have an internet relationship with this guy as long as you understand that just because you have certain feelings and ways of behaving doesn’t mean [i]he[/i] will have those same feelings and ways of behaving. In fact, men and women are different.

I suggest you take a lesson from your friend, and do what he’s doing and play the field — the [i]whole[/i] field, online and off. If you find that six hour “conversations” online or on the phone make you feel too intimate and too vulnerable with this guy, as many women may feel, then don’t have hour long conversations. And if you can’t be friends with a man without falling for him, then pick available male friends who live in your zip code or close to it.

Good news is that you only invested 3 weeks with this guy, which is a relatively short amount of time. As for the emotional investment, I feel your pain. But I know you have the energy and the interest in finding Mr. Right to move on with an adjustment in a positive direction — for you!

Good luck.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your ex-girlfriend isn’t quite sure what she wants to do, and you’re the one getting hurt. It seems like she’s very whimsical if she broke up with you 2 months ago, then moved to another state and took up with another guy there, then decided to get back together with you, [i]and[/i] move back to your state — only to change her mind on the day she’s supposed to leave, and tell you she’s on a date with her boyfriend at the races in that state, and then to tell you she doesn’t know when she’s going to get back to you — but that she loves and wants you. You have every right to feel emotionally whiplashed. It sounds like you’re being played.

Her behavior is clearly either unstable or manipulative. The question is why are you welcoming her back into a relationship — or even considering giving it another two weeks for her to make up her mind. What is it about her that you are waiting for? And what is it about her that caused the two of you to break up? Has anything changed about either one of you since the break up to make you think that a second go round with her will work?

I think it’s a very good idea for you to give yourself a time limit before you decide to call it a day with this woman. The problem is that if she comes back to you within that limit, I suspect you’re going to see this “all over the place” behavior again. If you do get back together with her, you’d better wear your seatbelt! It’s going to be one bumpy ride.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You hit the nail on the head, yourself. These guys date women they’re not really interested in any long term, serious relationship with, because they’re bored or lonely. For some people, being with someone is better than being someone who’s right for them. Having company of any sort, may be better for these people than being alone. And it’s not just men who do this. Women do it, too.

Whether or not it’s fair has nothing to do with love. In fact there’s this old saying: All’s fair in love and war. I think that’s what you were dealing with.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how long you’ve been dating this guy, but after a few dates, if there isn’t any chemistry and you aren’t sure there ever will be, it makes sense to move on. This guy may not be touching or kissing you because he isn’t interested in you. He may also have some deeper psychological problems that make it impossible or difficult for him to be physically intimate with anyone. Either way, it’s time for you to move on.

Do not wait around to see if things get better. When you wrote that you’ve been dating him “for some time now” I assume it’s more than a few months. That’s plenty of time to wait and see if things get better. (And they haven’t.) Don’t make it easy for him by calling him to explain yourself or to try to help him. You deserve more than that.

The best way to end things with him is to not call him or see him again. Don’t spend any more energy on him. If he calls or e-mails you to get together again, or ask you out, at [i]that point[/i], you can tell him that things just aren’t working out between the two of you enough for you to want to continue the relationship. Wish him the best in life, and end it. You’ll be doing both of you a favor.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your guy is always late, it doesn’t mean he’s a cheater. It does mean he doesn’t respect your time as much as he does his own.

I’d ask yourself if his chronic lateness affects his own life — or just yours. In other words, is he so late to work and meetings that he can’t hold down a job? If his being late affects his own life to the extent that he’s having trouble functioning, then he has a serious problem.

But if he’s only late for you, there is something [i]you[/i] can do about it. Obviously you’ve told him how much his being late bothers you and it doesn’t help. So instead of trying to change him, change yourself. If he says he’s going to call at 10 and he doesn’t call at 12, don’t be available. It’s that simple.

You decide what an acceptable margin of lateness is, and stick to that margin of lateness out of self respect. For instance, if you think that fifteen minutes late is acceptable, then when he says he’s going to call at 10, you can allow yourself to be available for him until 10:15, and after that, turn off the phone. Or, when he does call two hours later, tell him that you’re sorry, but you were expecting his call at ten, and now you’re busy. Sorry! Then hang up.

If he cares about you enough then he’ll honor your time and the commitments he makes to you about when he’s going to call. If he doesn’t, well, then, find someone who does!

But it sounds like there may be something deeper going on and complaining about his being late is your way of admitting there’s something wrong, but avoiding the real subject. You mention he’s changing a lot, that you’re long-distance now with him, and that he’s not on line or on the phone when he says he will be. I’m wondering if what’s really happening is that you think he’s changing his life and he’s not interested in having you in it any more. I guess that’s where your fear of his cheating on you is coming from. So if you put aside his being late, and look at the other changes — you’re both long-distance now, and he’s not showing up for your long-distance “phone and internet dates”, he may be more interested in someone who’s there in the present rather than on the phone or internet, and hasn’t told you so directly.

[Member]

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