[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re going to have to pick one woman or the other because otherwise this is going to end like a bad French farce. Until you do, you’re going to be stressed and confused. You’re only feeling lost because you don’t want to make a decision and limit your options.

Man up.

If you don’t want to be with M, then break up with her and pursue playing the field with K in it or just start dating K. When you say that M is restricting “your personal freedom” you don’t really sound like you’re wanting to be in a relationship with her. You make it sound like around her, you’re a slave. Who would want that? Nobody!

You really sound like you want to break out and date K among others, possibly. Don’t be the victim. Assume your power as the man in the relationship, and until you know what you want, don’t see anyone. If you do, you’re just going to complicate things.

Decide your priorities. A girlfriend? An exercise coach? Your freedom? It’s very hard to have everything, so choose and pursue.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Because they can.

People repeat patterns until someone stops the pattern. If you don’t, he won’t.

Instead of looking at him, look inward, and ask yourself why [i]you[/i] continued to ignore or let go of situations that in hindsight, you shouldn’t have let go of. When you were ready to stop the pattern, you got out of the rut. What is it about this situation that made you change [i]your[/i] pattern of behavior? Why didn’t you do it before?

It’s easy to blame him. It’s harder, but more productive, to see your part in it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you mention that you’re a law student who has Asperger’s Syndrome, you probably know that while I’m not a doctor, people who have Asperger’s, a form of autism, are very bright, highly functional and often miss social cues. I think you may have missed some social cues, that just don’t occur to you. I’m going to try and help you see them.

While you are having a lot of fun, and think that it’s innocent to go out drinking and partying and having a friend who’s a girl come to your house after midnight, watch late night movies and go home at 8 a.m., or to sleep over with you, and even sleep in the same bed with you, most women would have a problem with that behavior in their boyfriends. I hope you can understand that what you’re doing is not the norm.

I’m sure that your girlfriend, M, is very jealous of your relationship with K, and frankly, she has a right to be. It would be normal for her to be jealous in spite of your protestations that you and K are just friends. Even though you think it’s okay to do what you’re doing, socially, it just isn’t normal to have another woman spend the night in your bed with you, after a night of partying, and expect your girlfriend to understand.

It doesn’t matter that you believe you’re not cheating. Spending the night with another woman in your bed, even without having sex with her, is a betrayal to your girlfriend. When you commit yourself to someone and they do the same, there are certain implicit understandings that I think you may miss: 3 a.m. movie dates at your house with another woman are not okay. Sleepovers with another woman are not okay.

It will be easier for you to accept this rather than argue it’s merits because this is how most of the world operates and most of the women you meet are going to feel this way. Even K, if you begin sleeping with her and she becomes your girlfriend, is going to feel territorial of you, your home, your bed and who you party, drink and spend time with when it’s another woman.

M is overreacting by wanting you get K completely out of your life, because she doesn’t think you understand the nuances of what you’re doing, so she’s trying to get you to get rid of K altogether so you don’t have to navigate the nuances. In other words, if you could be friends with K without inviting her to your home at all, or only seeing her in a group of people, and not alone to paint your room or otherwise, M would probably be more understanding of K as your friend. But she doesn’t think you are able to do that, so she’s trying to get you to extricate K from your life altogether instead.

One simple rule of thumb for a successful relationship is that if you’re committed to one woman, don’t spend time alone with another.

Hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re absolutely right not to tolerate dishonest, immoral or illegal acts from [i]anyone[/i] in your life — but especially your boyfriend. I think that you should move on, now. No boyfriend should be borrowing money from a single mother, and I’d urge you not to lend men money as long as you have a minor child, from here on in. If you’ve got some extra money around, put it in a college savings account for your child.

While five years is a long time for you to be with someone and not recognize these patterns earlier, or to do something about them, you’re not alone. Many men and women suddenly see things in their partners after even longer periods of time, and often, it isn’t that the other person changes — it’s that you’ve changed and you’re finally able to admit to yourself what’s going on.

I bet that in the past this guy has done similar things to you, but you’ve rationalized them away. For future, I bet (and hope) that you’ll be a lot more conscious of a boyfriend’s behavior and you’ll be a lot more self protective. It’s fine to feel romantic and lustful and all those feelings that sometimes and often distract us from real life — but you can’t afford to be distracted from real life! First of all, you’re a single mother, so you have to have even tighter filters for people who aren’t on the up and up. Second of all, you, yourself, deserve to have a man in your life who gives you more than just feelings — he has to have a compatible lifestyle and character in order to make the relationship work long term.

For now, I’d find a way to disengage from this guy emotionally, socially, physically and every other way. Start playing the field again, and look for someone who’s a lot more honest and has a stronger character. You’ll be much more appreciative and happy with yourself, and him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Women are different creatures then men, and they behave differently. There are a couple of different reasons why the woman you’re asking about texted you after what you thought was a blow off.

1. She could really have been involved in her divorce proceedings even after two years post divorce. Sometimes, and often, divorce proceedings continue on for years past the actual divorce date. So she could have been telling you the truth that she was really focused at the time, on extricating herself from a house she had with her ex-husband. It’s possible. And her giving you all the sordid details may just be her way of working through the divorce entrails. Lots of people who’ve gone through a divorce talk about it for years afterwards because that’s how long it takes for them to sort through it.

2. More likely, however, is that once you “disappeared” from her radar, you became more attractive to her. I know, I know, you’re scratching your head, but the reality is many people want what they think they can’t have, and don’t want what they think is too easy to get. When you were available, you weren’t as attractive to her. But when you decided she wasn’t interested in you and moved on, she may have suddenly realized you were a man who can’t be controlled, and that made you all the more attractive to her!

3. Possibly, she may have gotten lonely, and decided to stir the pot a little by seeing if you were still available. Sometimes people are driven by loneliness and a need to have someone more than the need to have the right someone. If she truly did extricate herself from her ex-husband, she may realize only since doing that that she’s lonely, and suddenly, you look more attractive to her. So she texted you to get back in contact.

The reason for the impersonal text is because she knows that she’s the one initiating this “reunion” of sorts, and she doesn’t want it to look like she’s throwing herself at you. The impersonal nature of the text is her testing the waters to see where you stand and if you’re still interested. She doesn’t want to lay all her cards on the table if you’re going to reject her.

The reason she texted instead of picked up the phone is because she’s scared that you’re going to reject her, and a text is less personal, so the sting of a possible rejection is less harsh on her. She knows on some level that she’s coming back to you hat in hand, and the text is her way of avoiding her about face.

I hope that helps you decide whether or not you want to connect with her now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not being petty at all. In fact, I’m not sure why you’re going out with this guy in the first place. He sounds controlling and bent on lowering your self esteem. Healthy relationships are those where both people feel good about themselves and supported by the other person. It doesn’t sound like you’ve got anything close to that with your boyfriend.

By the time a man is 25 years old, he really should have learned enough manners to know not to insult you in public or behave in ways that make you feel ashamed. I’m afraid you’ve got a losing battle on your hands if you’re going to try to change this guy.

But what you can learn to start saying is, “It makes me feel….when you do…..” so that you’re not criticizing him, but instead, explaining to him what he does that makes you feel lousy. If he doesn’t care about your feelings, then you really shouldn’t waste your time with him. You can, conversely, tell him what he does do that you [i]do[/i] like. For instance, if he opens the door for you so you can walk through first, you can tell him how much you appreciate it when he does that sort of thing. That way you’re not just giving him negative information, but also positive information.

That said, I really think you should move on and find someone who instinctively knows or cares enough about you to treat you with more respect — and more importantly, to treat himself with more respect.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he likes you, to me. He may need to know that you’re interested in him as more than a friend — but you have to do this very carefully. You don’t want to come on too strong so that you are the aggressor. But you do want to amp up the flirting so that he sees things are different and that you’re seeing him as more than a friend these days.

The first thing I’d do if I were you, is to check out (and buy) my book, Think & Date Like A Man. You can get it by clicking on the Relationship Advice Books link above. The book will show you how to start treating him as more than a friend without stepping over the line.

Give him an extra sexy smile or look and start considering him as someone you’d like to hang out with as more than just friends. He needs to feel the heat in order to generate his own! You can even tell him that you’ve never really noticed how sexy he is before.

If this feels right to you, then do it, and if he responds, ultimately, by asking you out on a date, and treating you as a girlfriend, not just a friend, then you’ll have your answer about his feelings. But if you do all this, and what’s in the book as well, and he still doesn’t respond, then I think you’ll know he’s only interested in friendship with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m happy to help you, and hope that next time you’ll post to the Relationship Advice forum where I’ll be able to get to you sooner! Your question is very interesting, and I want to help you.

That said, I think that you are definitely not overreacting, but you [i]are[/i] wanting things to be different than they are. It’s easy to change yourself, but impossible to change other people. Rather than blame your boyfriend for his behavior, you’d do better to understand it and accept it.

The reality is that your boyfriend has a lifetime commitment to a daughter with a chronic illness. He is going to be connected to his ex, who is his daughter’s mother — for life. And while you think he’s contacting and engaging too much with his daughter’s mother, the reality is that this is what works for the three of them. And the reason I know it works for them is because they continue their dynamic, and while your boyfriend makes time for you, he puts his daughter first, and sometimes, he puts his daughter’s mother ahead of you, too.

When he defends himself to you and says he’s getting together with his daughter and her mother for the daughter’s sake, I believe him. Divorce or parents being separated is not what harms children — parental conflict harms children. If these two parents can make things work for their daughter, for her sake, then they’re doing the right thing. When you date a single parent, you’re never going to be number one all of the time — and when the child has special needs or a chronic illness, you’re going to be number one even less of the time.

It’s really great that you found all this out so early in the relationship because clearly, this dynamic is not going to work for you, and clearly, he’s not going to change things. If you continue to try to change him or get him to change, or tell him how he should be doing things and that he’s doing things wrong, he’s going to get angrier and angrier, and so are you.

The fact that he lives 3000 miles away from you is a problem, and the fact that you’re 32 means that you probably are looking for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage and children of your own. By getting further involved with this guy, you’re setting yourself up for a relationship that is not destined for success. My advice is to move on and find someone who is more compatible with you in more ways.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s a sign of how strong your relationship is that she came to you and asked you how you’d feel if she went out with an old boyfriend. She didn’t cheat on you. She didn’t make a demand of you. She asked you your feelings.

Your feelings are always justified. It’s fine to feel uncomfortable and a little threatened. And it’s fine for you to tell her. It’s also fine for her to want to see an old boyfriend, and for her not see him because she doesn’t want to upset you.

I think what’s confusing you here is that you want everyone to be happy, and in relationships, compromises and deals struck are often what makes them work in the long run. One way or another, one or both of you are going to feel uncomfortable and possibly anxious. But feelings are just that — feelings. You can’t live your life by them. You can acknowledge them, but your behavior is more important than your feelings.

So, given what you feel, you can tell her you’d rather she not see him, or you can tell her you’re not comfortable with it, but if it’s just this once, you’ll deal with it. You can also ask her if she thinks this is going to be a long term thing, and if this boyfriend is going to become part of her/your social circle or if it’s just this once. Or, you can tell her that you’d like to go with her to have dinner with him. Then again, she may hear your concern and decide it’s not worth upsetting you to get together with him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So glad to hear you were able to do damage control and this woman was able to look past your mistake so that the two of you could have some dates together.

In general, it’s a great idea to stay away from complimenting a woman’s body until you know her better — for exactly this reason! Sometimes women are funny about their bodies, and have issues about weight, big breasts, small breasts, a big bottom, small bottom, big nose, small nose, height, shoe size, etc., that you couldn’t possibly know about on a first meeting. Some beautiful women feel objectified if you start commenting on their bodies before you get to know them. It’s not right or wrong — it’s just the way the playing field is laid.

Next time, you can show her you like her with your actions, by being attentive and having great manners, and by the glint in your eye and the smile you give her. But nothing says you like her, like asking her out for a special date.

As for your friend, slapping you for your comment was inappropriate. She could just as easily have turned and walked away.

But, the good news is that you both had the tools and maturity to work past a temporary bump in the road.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I appreciate your feeling nervous about rejection, but if you can find a different way to look at rejection, you won’t be nervous. Let me see if I can help you with that. Relationships involve 2 people — not just yourself, so in order for them to go well, both people have to like each other enough to want a second date, etc. If this guy doesn’t want a second date with you, then he’s doing you a favor by conveying that message. That way you won’t waste your time with someone who’s not interested in you.

I know that it’s disappointing to not get what you want, but that’s life — especially when you’re dating. It’s great that you like this guy enough to want a second date, but in order for you to get a second date, he has to want one enough to call you and schedule one. If he doesn’t do that, he doesn’t want what you want.

Dating is a numbers game. The more you know what you want, the more likely you’re able to find that in someone else, and the only way to know if you’ve found that is to put yourself out there in the dating world. If a fear of rejection stops you from dating, then you’re really limiting yourself.

So here’s what you do: Don’t call this guy again or go after him online. You’ve made it really clear that you like him enough to date him again. Now the ball’s in his court. But don’t wait by the phone — put yourself out there, and play the field until you’ve finally found someone who wants you as much as you want them, and is willing to walk the walk to make you his.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When he claims he has no responsibility when the other women send him naked pictures and talk to him, it’s just not true. There are plenty of ways to say no, and I am sure he knows them all. It’s just easier for him to tell you he has no control over the other women than to admit to you that he doesn’t want to say no to them. It [i]can[/i] also be his passive aggressive way of his telling you he wants his cake and to eat it, too.

But, this may also be happening because he’s not getting enough spice in his relationship with you. One possible solution to the problem, [i]if[/i] you’re both adults and not teenagers, [i]and if[/i] this is happening just because he likes looking at naked women (because remember, men are usually more visually oriented than women), is to give him something to look at in yourself! You can get creative and have a lot of fun with this, and if he has you to look at, that may very well be all he needs, and do the trick.

If he still wants to look at other naked women even when he has [i]your[/i] best naked self in creative ways (check out my book Romantic Date Ideas for tips and advice here — you can click on the Dating Advice Books link above to get it for just $15!), understand that many successful relationships and marriages work because women realize that their men can be loyal and monogamous, but they like to look at naked women. If you can be okay with him looking at Playboy or other anonymous naked women, and you can still feel like he’s all yours and appreciative of you, you may have solved the problem that way, too.

Remember — men like to feel good about themselves, and one way for him to feel good about himself is to feel like he’s won a prize. These other women are making him feel like they are the prize. You can give him the biggest prize of all, by making him understand by showing him (not telling him) that [u]you[/u] are the biggest prize of all. If the problem is that he doesn’t feel great about himself dating you, and is looking for other ways to feel like he’s getting a catch elsewhere, then you can work on making yourself the big prize. Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man for more on this. You can click on the link above under Dating Advice Books, and you’ll see how you can order it. It [i]will[/i] help you.

If that doesn’t work, and he really does want an open relationship and if he’s the one telling other women he’s in an open relationship as a sort of invitation to them, then unless you move on, you’re constantly going to be upset and angry and it’s going to get worse and worse. So find out where he is in terms of what he really wants right now in a relationship with you. If your boyfriend is interested in building relationships with these real life women who send him naked pictures of themselves, then he may be wanting to move on from you or just not be monogamous with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry, but it sounds like your now ex-boyfriend is moving on with his life for better or for worse. You may be right that the two of you would be great together. However, he has made it clear he’s marrying the girlfriend he got pregnant while you two were taking a break, and is going to make a family with her.

As much as you feel that he is making a mistake, it’s his mistake to make. He’s making it clear to you by not talking to you, that he doesn’t want to be involved with you right now. While it’s going to be difficult because you have a past with him that is mostly positive, you need to respect his decision to start a new family with his pregnant fiance.

It’s fine for you to want to accept a stepchild into your life, but for the child’s sake, the best possibility is a married mother and father. For that reason, you have to call up your most mature self, and move on with your own life, without your ex-boyfriend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You blew it. After winning her reluctant heart over, you cheated on her, and she found out. Now she doesn’t want to date you or talk to you. It’s hard to blame her.

What you need to do is give her time and during that time, move on with your own life. If over the course of time she thinks you may be trustworthy for another go round, then you’d best on super good behavior. But if not, you need to just move on and learn your lessons for next time.

If the woman you just lost hadn’t been so hard to win over, you may have had a shot at getting her back, but because she had to overcome her own hesitance about going out with you after being friends for so long, I think that the damage is probably irreparable.

If you’re really excited about your newfound dating skills, I think the best strategy for you is to play the field right now, rather than leading someone into thinking you’re ready for monogamy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you’re 17 years old, and you say that you’re just looking to have fun, not get serious or married, I think it’s okay to wait and see who asks you out, and since you like all three of these boys, there’s no harm in casually dating any or all of them.

Here’s what I would advise you, however:

1. Don’t ask boys out. Don’t be the aggressor. I know you’re a sexually charged teenager, but you have to value yourself as a woman. And you’re not too young to understand that men (even young men) feel really good about themselves and their girlfriends (you?) when they’ve won the woman over. If you throw yourself at these guys, you’re making it way too easy for them to win you, and what kind of a prize are you if you’re easy? The answer is the booby prize. Make yourself hard to get. Let them ask you, and you be the one who gets to say yes or no.

2. Don’t have sex right now. I know, I know, it sounds unrealistic and you’re so up for it, but sleeping with multiple guys at your age — or even having any kind of sex with multiple guys at your age — is a bad idea. Casual dating is great. Romance is appropriate. It’s normal for teenagers at 17 and older to be virgins and to be sexually active, but that doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Wait until you find someone you really trust and who trusts you and who you want to be monogamous with, and have a proven track record of monogamy.

3. Get to know all three of these guys a little better by seeing which of them asks you out, and when you do date the ones who ask you out, see who you really trust, respect and connect with.

Good luck!

[Member]

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