[April Masini, your AskApril]

You answered your own question. You only have to listen to yourself when you say, “…he obviously doesn’t care.” That’s the beginning and the end of your question.

Why would you spend your time with someone who obviously doesn’t care? You need to work on you so that you find your own true value and only give yourself (and that means your time, your phone calls, your texts, your e-mails, your dates, your kisses and sex if you choose) to someone who cares about you enough to matter in a positive way in your life.

Focus on your own life and make every minute and every day a productive and positive one. Eliminate people who don’t care about you from each hour of your day. It’s a discipline, but it’s worth it. Try it. You’ll be a lot happier.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Next time you go out with him — not next time you talk on the phone, but next time you see him face to face — ask him, without any judgment in your voice, what he meant. You can say something like, “You know, after we kissed, you said, ‘Don’t go falling in love with me,’ and I don’t know why, but that stayed with me. What did you really mean?”

I have a feeling it was a throwaway line, and didn’t mean anything except that he was nervous and excited by the kiss, and felt like he had to fill the silence and said something dumb. But you have a right to get some clarification on whether he’s trying to tell you he’s not available for love or not.

I don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s a good idea to [i]lightly[/i] get clarity.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forget about having him as a friend. It’s too complicated, especially because he has a new girlfriend and you see him at work every day. If giving him the silent treatment helps you, then do it. But if you’re doing it only to be punitive and try to get back at him, then don’t. You’re going to have to work really hard to forget about him. Focus on work. Focus on new friends. Join a volunteer group to go to after work so you have somewhere to go and don’t feel sorry for yourself while you’re getting over him.

And since you don’t know a lot about guys, you’d benefit from my book, Think & Date Like A Man. Get it! You can buy it — it’s not expensive! — by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, and ordering the book to be sent to you. It will help you understand how men think and how different they are from women. You’ll have a leg up on dating after you give it a read.

I’m not just trying to push my books — this book will really help you. I promise.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your boyfriend of one month with whom you’re sleeping with says he would tell someone he has a woman he is talking to rather than a girlfriend, or that he has someone special in his life, I’d be insulted if I were you. Big time.

Either he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s with you to keep his options open, or he’s trying to make you feel badly about yourself. Both of which are rotten. I mean, even if he wants to keep his options open, he could have been a lot more tactful and told you that he’d tell anyone who asked if he has a woman that it’s none of their business or that’s private, or even a coy, maybe, would be better than what he actually said.

I’d see this as a big flashing yellow light, and proceed with caution.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sure that you have a lot of confusing feelings because you have a history of infidelity with your husband, and he is far away right now, so you don”t feel secure about his loyalty to you.

That said, I think it’s very sad, but it’s time for you to move on. Your husband has a need to be around women when you are not there, and this isn’t working for you. Trust your instincts. Keep the drama level low if you can, and take care of business. Surround yourself with supportive, positive people, especially those who have gone through divorce and can help guide you. It’s a bumpy road, but staying on the path you’re already on is going to get you no where good.

Accept the fact that this is a man who needs a woman in every port and preferably more than one. It’s not you. It’s who he is. I hope that allows you to move through any rejection you may feel when a marriage fails, and move forward with your life, allowing him to move forward with his own — on his own.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you don’t want him to act like a young child, stop treating him like a young child. That’s for starters.

Since you haven’t told me exactly how he’s acting like a young child, I can tell you that if he has a great job, makes sure to take you out and give you attention like a great boyfriend, but wants you to tie his shoelaces, I’d just buy him loafers to replace the tie shoes.

In other words, if most of what he does is very mature and responsible, but he’s eccentric, then you can work with someone like that because on the proverbial score sheet, his good column outweighs his bad column. But if pulls your hair to get your attention, expects you to treat him to dinner, movies and all your date activities, and has a potty mouth, then why date him?? Don’t you want a man — not a child?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Great question. The answer isn’t pretty. Biologically, men are programmed to travel and spread their seed. Women, biologically, are programmed to nest. See the problem?

The trick for both men and women is to be with someone who has mutual goals at the same time. If a man knows that he’s going to want to settle down at one point, and he meets a woman who is too good to let get away, he’s going to cut a deal with himself. He’s going to give up that wild life in order to snare the one he doesn’t want to let get away.

If a man just isn’t ready to settle or hasn’t met a woman so great he’s willing to cut that deal with himself, then he’ll go on with his bad boy ways (in your case) — or whatever ways he has that work for him.

Being with a woman in a long term monogamous relationship requires a balancing act where each person in the relationship is true to themselves and to each other. Trust me — this is never a smooth road for very long because men and women are so different, but with maturity and understanding of both men and women by both men and women, it can be a wonderful adventure. But it requires women to understand how wild men are by nature, and to know that in order to keep their man happy, they’re going to have to work to keep him intrigued and keep the home fires burning in every room — but especially the bedroom. Because, after all, isn’t that what got you to step off your Harley for a woman in the first place?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Buh-bye Brian, hello new guy!

Sorry, but your old boyfriend is not mature enough to be serious boyfriend material let alone husband material. He has too many problems being a man to be a partner to a healthy woman. I hope you are able to value yourself as a prize, enough so that you’ll give a man something to chase and win (you!). Men feel much better about themselves when they feel like they’re providing for their woman and that they can go out into the world and slay dragons.

Brian is very needy and he’s not standing on his own two feet in terms of job and career, which are crucial to a man’s self esteem. Down the road (and perhaps very soon) you may very well end up resenting all the work you’re doing for him, and you may be surprised to find he’s going to feel depressed and angry at himself for not being better able to take care of you. The truth is that you’re acting like the guy in the relationship and he’s acting like the woman. Stop rescuing him. Quit driving 40 miles each way to see this guy. Sheesh! And listen to your family — they’re right to be wary of him because of his job status. At 28, he should have a job and be building a career.

I am very sure you are ripe to read my book, Think & Date Like A Man. You can purchase it by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above. It will give you a step by step plan to be your best self and find your best romantic partner. You should really read it now. In fact, read it before you go out on any more dates with this new guy. It will help you date better in the future.

This new guy sounds really great, and your own doubts about Brian make it clear to me that you’re ready to move on. It’s truly in your best interest.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I would not advise getting back together with this girlfriend. When you cheated on her, she lost a lot of trust in you, and that’s been keeping her from giving you her whole heart for all this time.

She may want to sleep with you because it’s familiar, the sex was good, you’re comfortable with each other, and she’s not sleeping with anyone else right now. It could be as simple as that — she wants sex, and you’re available. But she doesn’t want to do it on any long term basis because she doesn’t trust you.

It sounds like you really enjoy dating women and playing the field, but you also want intimacy and monogamy, and it’s almost impossible to have all three of those things! Until you sort out what you’re ready to commit to — playing the field, intimacy and/or monogamy, you’re going to continue to find yourself in these pickles.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know it’s difficult to get over someone you loved enough to become engaged to, but you’re going to have to do it if you want some peace and happiness. The way to do it is to put your energy and focus elsewhere. You’re in a rut right now. If you can get out of the rut you won’t have the time on your hands to text your ex-fiance or think about him. This requires work on your part, but it’s worthwhile.

You’re going to have to change your behavior. Take a class in a different part of town. Go on a tour or join a volunteer group — again, in a different part of town or with very different people. Switch churches, switch your group of friends, switch the places your shop and have coffee. Get a pet! A really cute dog that requires you to walk him (in a different neighborhood where there are lots of single men) can be a great conversation piece and man magnet! Volunteer at a hospital, for a political group or some other agency where you can stay busy, meet other singles, and focus on a cause greater than yourself and your ex!

These are just a few ideas — you’re going to have to really work to change your ways and stay busy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good for you for wanting to make a change for the better. The first way to deal with this problem of scoping out other guys and staring at them is to be aware of the problem. Really be aware of it. Try to notice how many times a day you do this. I know this sounds simple, but to really master the problem you have to be super aware of yourself. Check in with yourself every five or ten minutes when you’re out and about and ask yourself, “Am I staring? How about now?”

Once you’re aware of the problem, you can deal with it most effectively.

Then you have to just stop doing it. This is a discipline. It’s very hard for a lot of people to stop doing something — like eating carbs or sitting around like a slug and start going to the gym — for you it’s not staring at other guys. Just look away. In fact, if you see a guy or a group of guys walking your way, look down. Watch your feet, check your watch, text a girlfriend — do anything but look [i]at the guy[/i].

For many people those two steps are enough:

1. Recognize the problem.

2. Employ discipline to stop doing what you don’t want to be doing.

For other people, knowing the cause behind the problem helps them to change their behavior. For instance, if the reason you’re looking at other guys is that you’re secretly (maybe even subconsciously) hoping to catch their eye and elicit an approving once over, a wolf whistle or some other form of sexual attention, then you need to ask yourself why you need this from someone other than your boyfriend.

If the answer is maybe you’re not getting enough attention from your boyfriend, he could step up and help with this problem by giving you more romantic and sexual attention. Love letters, flowers, chocolates, romantic dates — whatever works for you and he — could solve the problem. If you’re getting enough attention from him you may not need it elsewhere. Is he generous with his compliments and attentions?

If the answer is that you have a self esteem deficit that stems from your childhood, then you’re the one who has to do the work on yourself, start changing your life so that you accomplish more and recognize your accomplishments as those of a real winner. Then you have to understand that the winner is you! And that you don’t need to look to men you don’t know for “hits” of self esteem. You can get it from within.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are absolutely correct. You’re definitely too comfortable with each other too soon. Your job as the woman in the relationship is to create the sense of urgency that you’re wanting from him. The way to do this is to give him something to chase. If you let him catch you too soon and too often, where’ s the urgency going to come from? You’ll have killed it.

I think you’d really do well to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man. You can click on the Dating Advice Books link above, and order the book there. It would be PERFECT reading for your week’s vacation — although if you can read it sooner, you’ll benefit more quickly.

The balancing act for you is to pull back without setting up alarm bells for him that there’s something wrong in the relationship. Be careful not to get angry at him. What you should do is make yourself seem desirable and worth his chasing after. Don’t be so available. But at the same time, flirt with him. Make him want you enough to pursue you. He should feel like a real man when he gets the prize, which is you! And the only way he’s going to feel that way is if you give him something worth winning — and that would be you and your attentions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No. Don’t call him.

If he ever calls again, then you’ll know he was interested. If he doesn’t call again, then you’ll know he was never really all that interested. You shouldn’t want to date someone who isn’t all that interested in you because he just won’t be into the relationship, and he’ll dump you as soon as someone he is interested in comes along.

Only date guys who really want to be with you.

If he doesn’t call, he doesn’t really want to be with you.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You keep saying that he isn’t over you, but clearly, it’s you, as well, who is not over him. I think that your ex-fiance was not able to handle your long term illness and he feels conflicted, guilty and sad about that. While he has feelings for you, clearly, he isn’t able to be strong for you. He isn’t able to call you or visit you when you have an operation or are sick. He can’t handle the tough times. And he knows it. That’s his lot in life to deal with.

But his feelings aren’t your problem. In fact, you’ve got plenty on your own plate, including your physical health and your emotional health and social life in getting over a big break up and moving on. Rather than focus on him, I would advise you to focus on yourself. Accepting rejection and being disappointed that things didn’t work out are very important. Until you process what happened and accept it — without judgment — you won’t be able to move on.

I know you’re searching for some part of him to be strong enough or love you enough to show up in every way, but he is just not that man. And I think you’re having trouble accepting that. Maybe you can think of him as someone who loved you, and who you loved, but who isn’t the man you were supposed to marry because he didn’t have the strength for that “in sickness and in health” part of marriage, let alone that “for better or for worse” part of marriage.

The gift you’re getting in this pain is that if you can see through it, you’ll know that when you start to date again, you need to look for a strong man — one who can and will weather the bumps in the road of life that hit everyone and every couple. Dating is a way of figuring out who’s right for you and who can be your Mr. Right. If you’re smart, you won’t waste your time on people who don’t fit the bill — even if they’re a lot of other things. I would advise you stop offering your ex lifts, texting him, and making yourself available to him.

Move on with your social life, without him. You don’t have to hate him — in fact, when you stop hating him and being mad, that’s when you’ll know you’re truly over him. There’s someone who’s right for you out there, and when you let go of Mr. Didn’t Work Out, you’ll be free to find Mr. Right.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re trying to have it all, and life doesn’t work that way. When you told your boyfriend in another country that you got a job offer in your home country and were going to take it, your boyfriend acted appropriately. He wished you the best, and didn’t pretend that he wanted a long distance relationship or that he was going to chase after you. He actually gave you a gift of clarity.

It sounds like you wanted him to show you stronger feelings and to beg you to come back to him, not to take the job, and to run off with him forever. Well, that didn’t happen. I would advise you to be grateful that he didn’t lead you on, especially when you were both so fresh to the relationship. I’d say that everything he did was mature, truthful and respectful.

If you decide to give up the job in your home country and return to the foreign country where your now ex-boyfriend lives in the hopes of rekindling the relationship, you need to hold yourself and only yourself accountable for that decision. If you go back, start up again with this guy, and it doesn’t work out between the two of you, don’t blame him for your giving up a good job in your home country. If you want to take the risk, make sure you take full responsibility for that risk.

[Member]

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