[April Masini, your AskApril]

Everybody is different, so saying “I love you,” for the first time to someone after knowing them for a month, may seem normal to one person, and saying “I love you” for the first time to someone after knowing them for a year, may seem normal to another person. The best way to judge whether your boyfriend is “overdue” for saying “I love you” is to really ask yourself if this is the only thing he’s slow at.

For instance, if your boyfriend was “on time” introducing you to his friends, which is a landmark in any relationship, that will help you gauge if he’s on track or not to say “I love you.” If he was slow to ask you out on a date, make a first move, sleep with you, or introduce you to his family, then these are all points of reference by which you can decide if this guy is just slow in general — and right on schedule — for him! Or, he may be more on time with these other landmarks, and only slow when it comes to saying “I love you.”

Also, some people think “I love you” is extremely meaningful, and they aren’t cheap with their words. Other people spout the line left and right, and it comes naturally to them to say it six times a day or more. If he’s the kind of person who’s thoughtful before he speaks and careful with his words, he may be just waiting until the time is right.

So figure out if your boyfriend is on schedule with the other landmarks in a relationship, according to his own inner clock. If saying “I love you” is the only thing he’s late with, then he may truly have trouble letting go of a past relationship or moving forward with you. But if he’s just slow getting to most landmarks in the relationship, then this schedule of waiting to say “I love you” is normal for him, and you’ll have to be patient, knowing it’s coming. People with differences can make things work beautifully, but it requires understanding the differences and allowing for them.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Most men and women want their girlfriend or boyfriend to never have had sex with anyone but them, to only have loved them, and to only love them fully with all their heart. It’s natural to want that. However, reality strikes and the facts are that by the time you’ve met someone you want to get serious about, you’ve both kissed a few frogs and had your hearts broken a few times.

It takes maturity to process and understand that your boyfriend loved and lost before you — but he’s with you. And he’s so much with you that he’s even taking you home to meet his parents. This is a big step in a relationship and a sign that he’s serious about you.

As for his one girlfriend he loved before you, I think it’s understandable that he didn’t want to be with her because she had two kids already. Whether or not you agree, it’s a clear and understandable position for someone to take. Some men don’t want to be stepfathers. Some women don’t want to be stepmothers. You and your boyfriend can have this difference between you and still have a successful relationship.

Likewise, it’s very understandable that when he did change his mind and told his ex he finally wanted to get back together with her and she said she didn’t want any more children, even with him, he felt that that was a deal breaker. Rather than judge someone on their preferences, accept them. Everybody has differences. The question is, are the differences too great. The reality is that your boyfriend had feelings for his ex, but they would never have been compatible. Their real life day to day differences were too great, and were deal breakers. That’s the way love sometimes goes.

It’s important to know what you want from a partner because while love is great, there are so many real life obstacles to long term relationships that if you can stack the deck in your favor with compatibilities, you stand a much better chance of a long and happy life together.

So tell your boyfriend that sometimes you feel hurt when he raves about his ex-girlfriend and how much his mother loved her, and that you understand that you both have pasts, but you”d really like to feel like number one with him, as much as possible. And when he does make you feel like number one, reward him generously with affection, sex and little gifts. “You make me feel so special,” is a great line to start with when he does right by you in this way. Men want to be successful with their women, and if he can make you feel great, he’s going to feel like he’s providing emotionally for you, and he’s going to feel good about himself when he’s with you. That dynamic is essential to a great long term relationship.

I have a feeling that with good communication between the two of you, things are going to straighten out very soon.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you won’t mess this up. You can’t. So stop worrying about that.

Second of all, there’s nothing wrong with a ten year age difference in either direction. Lots of couples with ten year age differences do just fine and lots of couples with no age differences break up all the time. So, since you’re 25, and not 18, I really don’t think the age difference has to be a problem.

That said, If she’s not interested in a serious relationship with someone ten years her junior, there’s not going to be a lot you can do to convince her otherwise. Some people just don’t like blondes. Or brunettes, and don’t want to date them. Some people will only date boyfriends or girlfriends of a certain religion or body type. People have preferences and you shouldn’t take it personally.

What you can do is to continue to ask her out, and reassure her of what it is you’re looking for for yourself in a relationship in the long run. If she’s 35, chances are she’s got a biologically ticking clock and may be looking for a potential husband and father of her (your?) children together. If you’re not on board for this then be honest. If you are (and there are plenty of 25 year old guys who are ready to get married and have a family), then all you can do is reassure her of your intentions.

Keep the communication going, ask her out on dates, and be honest with her — and more importantly, yourself. There’s no reason an age gap has to mean anything negative at all.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like the two of you are living together — or close to it, so breaking up is going to be more painful than just stopping dating someone. He’s going to have to move out — or you are. Because this is traumatic, I can understand why you don’t want to do it, but sometimes the pain is temporary and you’re better off in the long run.

The two of you are in a bad pattern that started with his staying out and not telling you where he was. Instead he yelled at you. There really isn’t a good reason for him not to tell you where he is when he doesn’t come home until 1 a.m. It’s understandable that you got angry. It’s understandable that you blew up. What’s not healthy is that the two of you seem to have established a pattern now of mistrust and emotional abuse rather than communication and intimacy.

If you truly feel that you can get back to communication and intimacy, then the relationship is worth working on, but if in your heart you know that he’s not going to communicate with you and will continue to not tell you where he is, and you’ll continue your policing of him because you’re not trusting of him any more, and the two of you keep yelling at each other — it’s better for both of you to break up and move on.

There are lots of reasons people get together and stay together, but if you’re in a relationship where there’s chronic mistrust and fighting, it’s probably better for you to move on without him, even though it will be painful at first.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Nothing you’ve said leads me to believe your friend was being anything but honest about his car clutch going out as a reason he couldn’t make your date. Sometimes these things happen, and while it’s disappointing, don’t read anything else into it.

That said, if he doesn’t call you again and reschedule the date he missed, you can conclude he wasn’t that into the date to begin with, and he’s giving you the gift of a clear signal, so you can move on and find someone who is interested in you. Or….he’s not motivated enough to up and reschedule, and you really don’t need someone who’s so lazy that you’re not even important enough to see.

So if he calls, accept his offer of a date gladly. And if he doesn’t call, accept the gift of clarity he’s giving you about where he stands.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s my advice:

1. Break up with this guy.

2. Go to the doctor or a health clinic and have a physician put you on birth control that works so you don’t get pregnant until you are married.

3. Enlist in the United States Army, Marine Corps or some other branch of service. I’m serious. You could really learn a lot about discipline and character. You’d be given a place to live and responsibility to build your self esteem. You seem to have no problem taking orders. You’d be serving your country and making something of your life. You’ll come out of your service with a career.

So that’s my advice. As for what’s happened in the past, well, I’m very sorry your parents let your boyfriend move in with you when you were 16 and he was 21 and that you got pregnant while he was living with you and your family. He could have been arrested and prosecuted for statutory rape, and your parents could have lost legal custody of you for their judgment. It was a real mistake on your parents’ part. But not your fault.

It’s not surprising that you moved directly from your parents house to living with your boyfriend where you obeyed him and looked up to him rather than taking responsibility for reading the lease or saying no to paying for things you shouldn’t have been paying for or not getting an abortion if you didn’t want one instead of allowing your boyfriend “to make you” get one. You replicated your parent/child relationship from your family of origin with your boyfriend. Clearly, you were not mature enough to be moving in with your boyfriend, and he wasn’t and still isn’t ready to take care of a woman. His desire to have a baby with you now is one of the worst ideas ever.

Don’t date anyone right now. Get your own life together and make something of yourself you can be proud of. When you do that, I bet you’ll be a magnet for some prince in shining armor on a white horse. I mean it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that this woman is sending you a message that she’s lost interest. Rather than see it as anything more than it is, consider thanking her for not wasting your time! You can make yourself crazy trying to figure out why she’s lost interest, but the truth is, you’ll probably never really know. I know that’s hard to accept, but your life will be easier if you make it simple. She stopped responding, and maybe the reason is as easy as you turned out not be her cup of tea. Move on.

Since you’re new to dating, this time around, you have to learn that just because you’ve had a couple of dates or even four dates together, it doesn’t mean you’re “a couple.” Dating is a time to experiment and figure out if this woman is right for you and vice verse. It’s a time to really get to know yourself, too, and figure out who you are, post-divorce, and what you want this time around — whether it’s in a second marriage or a monogamous relationship without marriage or just playing the field.

Dating post-divorce with kids is also more complicated, especially if you pick someone with “matching luggage” to your baggage. You’re both going to have kids, custody schedules, ex-spouses, etc. You have a lot more to juggle, and dating is really a numbers game. You can’t put all your eggs in one basket or expect anyone you date to be doing the same.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, don’t go out with the married man. He’s not available. He’s got a wife. Maybe children. If he’s unhappy that’s his problem. Don’t make it yours. I’d also be very wary of your mother’s advice if she has anything to do with setting you up with this guy.

Second, why are you still calling this guy you’re supposedly in a relationship with, your boyfriend? Why would you put up with someone who doesn’t pay for his share of things let alone treat you? Why would you ever put up with someone who doesn’t take your calls or return your text messages?

Third, try and figure out why you’re choosing men who are just not available to be healthy partners to you. You’re rationalizing that this married guy is okay because he’s unhappy. You’re still calling the guy you moved three hours away from, who doesn’t treat you well, your boyfriend.

Without knowing you, I sincerely bet that you are worth a lot more than what you’re allowing for yourself. Until you see yourself as worth a lot more than you’ve been getting, you’re probably going to repeat your pattern of choosing bad boyfriends. I hope that you can find a way to value yourself. Because when you do, you’re going to start dating great guys, instead of unavailable ones.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry you’re upset.

It’s not fair for your friend to ask you for advice, then you ask me for the advice to tell your friend to tell his girlfriend — the possibilities for miscommunication in this whisper down the lane chain are exponential. Again, I’m more than happy to reply directly to your friend to try and help him directly and to prevent any miscommunications that may arise otherwise.

But I think what you reacted most strongly to in my advice was the possibility that you were intruding in your friend’s relationship. I’m sure you don’t see it that way, and even though you say your friend is the age of your nephew, he’s still an adult, and he’s having an adult relationship with his girlfriend. It’s okay for him to ask for advice or help, but when third parties (and fourth parties!) start getting involved, the private relationship is suddenly fodder for gossip, rumor and innuendo.

You may be very close to him right now, but if his girlfriend feels betrayed by his going to you for advice, and you coming to me, then that feeling of betrayal is very important. Even though you have certain ideas of what your relationship with your friend is, his girlfriend may have her own feelings, and they need to be honored — especially if your friend wants to make things work with her.

Again, I’m sorry you are upset.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry. Your mom is right. If a boy hurts you, you need to stay him away from him — even if you think you love him or like him a lot. It’s very hard to see clearly when you’re a teenager because your body is full of hormones that are helping you grow into a woman. The lucky thing is you have a mom to guide you. It’s okay to be mad at your mom and disagree with her, but do obey her. She really has your best interests at heart.

Think about how you would feel if your mom or your best friend were dating someone who hurt them, physically. You’d want the best for your mom or your friend, and you wouldn’t want them to even risk being hurt. That’s what your mom is there to do for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what you question is. It sounds like you’re being a normal 11 year old, although I’d encourage you not to ask boys out. Instead, let them ask you out. Consider it good manners to let the boy do the asking.

Your dream is probably your subconscious telling your conscious self what you’d like to have happen: a romance with this boy, Ben, at school.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like there is some unfinished business. It would be nice for you and your boyfriend to have a talk where you can find out from him what’s really going on. If he went to a party “with” his ex-girlfriend as his date, then that’s pretty bad for your relationship. If he went to a party and his ex-girlfriend happened to be there also, that’s not nearly as bad. But if he went to the party and his ex-girlfriend showed up, not as his date, but he didn’t tell you he was going to the party or didn’t invite you too, because he wanted to see his ex-girlfriend without your being there, then that’s not good for your relationship, either.

But the bigger problem is the communication between the two of you. Text messaging, IMing, chat rooms, and other electronic messaging is really great — but when you’re upset, the best way to “talk” is face to face. It sounds like you and your boyfriend need a long talk together face to face.

If you can clear up any rumors and miscommunications, and then work on your communication skills with your boyfriend, then you guys can move on together. Communicating is a practice. Just because you can talk and type doesn’t mean you’re good at communicating. Saying what you mean, listening well, and responding without overreacting or acting out, are all easier said than done, but they’re what we all have to strive for for good relationships.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What guys say and what they do are sometimes two entirely different things. The old adage, actions speak louder than words, works when you’re confused. So given that, I’d say your friend really does like you. Since he asked you on a date to prom, you can rest assured that he liked you enough to bring you to this big night.

When you catch a guy looking at you when he thinks you’re not going to catch him looking — that’s a sure sign he likes you. If he comes over to your lunch table while you’re eating, that’s because he wants to see you! And when he teases you by taking your things from you and makes fun of your height, he’s showing you he likes you the same way young boys will pull a girl’s pigtails or snap her bra strap for her attention. It’s not particularly mature, but it is a sure sign he likes you.

Rather than chide him for stealing your books or teasing you about your height, show him the kind of interaction you like, by giving him positive rewards when he does something nice. Sometimes guys, of every age, need to be shown what a woman likes whether it’s during flirtation, dating or other communications.

If you’re too shy to use words to tell him you like him back, that’s okay. In fact, I don’t think telling him you like him back is such a hot idea just yet. Instead, show him with your actions. Give him your best smile. Flirt with him. Tell him what you like, that he’s doing, for instance, say, “I love that you came by my lunch table to say hello today. It really made my heart skip a beat!” Believe me, those gifts will be as good as gold bars to him.

And remember, if he asks you out on a date, that’s a sure sign he likes you. If he doesn’t, that’s a sure sign he’s not that interested. You can apply that like a math equation to any relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help, and sorry that it hurt to hear. Think of my advice as a band aid being ripped off. It hurts like heck at first, but you’ll be healed and good as new, soon after.

Good luck to you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is no reason I can see that you should be interfering in your friend’s relationship with his girlfriend. If your friend has a problem with his girlfriend, he should deal directly with her or he should write me himself. Your getting advice for him is inserting yourself into his relationship, and could be seen as a form of betrayal by his girlfriend.

Sorry, if that was harsh, but you really need to butt out.

If you have your own issues with weight and appearance I’m happy to help you, but when someone else starts asking questions “for a friend” the question is either a veiled cry for help for themselves or else, more likely, a need to control a relationship that they really shouldn’t be in in the first place.

Enjoy your friendship with your guy friend, but focus on yourself and your own life. If you do, I bet you’ll find you don’t have the need to be involved in other peoples’ relationships.

[Member]

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