[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re free to date whomever you want, since you’re not really in a relationship with anyone.

If the guy you’ve hung out with is upset that you hooked up with someone else, that’s his problem. He can’t claim you without even asking you out for a first date! You didn’t cheat on him. You’re playing the field. If he doesn’t understand that, he’s not boyfriend material.

That said, I can’t tell you if this ruined your chances with him or not, because I don’t know if his hearing you hooked up with someone else is going to make him suddenly uninterested. But it may make him rise to the competition and want to make you his own, rather than share you. Sometimes guys need a little competition to make them step up their game.

I would not advise you making the first move with this guy, however. He knows where you are. He knows how to reach you. If he wants to ask you out on a date, he most likely knows how to do it. If you do run into him or see him around, you can be flirty and available, but don’t throw yourself at him. Make him work for the date — his reward will be all the sweeter for the challenge.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should trust your instincts. If you don’t trust this woman with your boyfriend, then I would pay attention to your feelings. If you’re uncomfortable when she is around your boyfriend, but you don’t feel that way when other women are around your boyfriend, then you’re probably not wrong in feeling wary.

That said, you don’t have to act on your feelings. Lots of times people get the idea that just because they have a feeling, they need to stop traffic, announce how they feel and act on it. Not true. Sometimes it’s enough to acknowledge your feelings and sit in them. Discomfort isn’t pleasant, but it can be a place where you can learn a lot about yourself.

Be careful not to get into a fight with your boyfriend by accusing him of doing something he hasn’t, like cheating on you, with this girl. You can tell him how you feel when this other woman is around the two of you — that you feel left out and like a second class citizen, and you wish that maybe he could take your hand or put his arm around you when he’s talking to her. This might make you feel more secure, while allowing him to talk to this girl, while showing her that he belongs to you by his body language. Something as simple as that gesture may solve the problem. And if he does go along with this, thank him and reward him!

Just don’t back your boyfriend into a corner and put him on the defensive when you discuss this with him. If he feels blamed, he’s going to get defensive on you. But if he feels like you’re sharing feelings and asking him to help you with a problem, then he may feel like this is something he can fix, and men love fixing things because then they’re the hero.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want your girlfriend all to yourself, my advice to you is to take her out away from her home. If you want to hang out at home and eat a home cooked meal — make it at your house, not hers. Her roommate is part of the landscape there. It’s unreasonable for you to expect her to not invite him to the table if you’re eating at her house. I’m not saying it’s wrong, but it is unreasonable to expect her to change her behavior.

Take her out for meals, movies, walks in the park, beach days, etc. Take her away for weekends. Invite her to your house, and make your house the home base for the two of you.

I’ve written this book called Romantic Date Ideas that you can buy by clicking on the link above, Dating Advice Books. It will help you come up with lots of date ideas, places, and themes. You’ll love it, and it will help you make a relationship with your girlfriend out of her house.

Instead of getting into fights about her mentioning her roommate or her ex-boyfriend, focus on the two of you. If she mentions her roommate, just don’t respond and keep the focus on the fun and romance the two of you are having. Eventually, she’ll focus on you, only.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Flashing red light!! Do not move in with this guy!

Look, first of all, you have a child, so you can’t just move in with some boyfriend. It’s not responsible. You have to put the child’s needs first. This isn’t just you and the guy. It’s you, the guy and your son.

Second, since you are only now gaining full legal custody this month, your custody of your son is at stake. If you screw this up, you could lose custody of your child. This is serious. It’s not fair to your son to put his life in chaos. Stay put until you have a year or two of legal custody of your son under your belt.

Third, and maybe most important if you weren’t a mother, this guy is giving you a very clear message with his actions. If he really wanted you to move in with him, he would have made things welcoming for you and your child. Instead, he’s still got the roommate there, hasn’t cleared out a room for your son, and isn’t being direct about your moving in. In fact, he’s avoiding the subject altogether. This is a clear sign, he’s not really interested in your moving in with him. Pay attention to his actions, and don’t get deluded by what you fantasize or wish would be happening.

My advice to you is to get a job and make some money so you can afford your own place first. Set up house with you and your son and get stable. Living with your parents is a wonderful support for you, but you need to move on with your adult life.

Because you’re a mother first, you really shouldn’t be moving your son in with a boyfriend unless you’re marrying the guy. It’s not fair to your son, and you may be jeopardizing your custody.

So get your ducks in a row, so to speak. Get a job and save up enough money to get a place near enough your parents so that they can babysit while you go out on dates. Then after you’ve gotten your custody and your living situation straightened out, THEN you can start dating again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your friend is sending you a message loud and clear with his actions that he isn’t interested in dating you. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you’re just not getting it. If he wanted to ask you out, he would. You can spend lots of time wondering why he isn’t asking you out, or you can stop wasting your time with someone who’s not boyfriend material right now (boyfriend material is someone who actually asks you out on a date), and make yourself available for men who do want to ask you out.

If you’re still hooked on this guy, you’re not going to be truly available if someone else comes along, so find a way to understand the dating game. You can check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man (it will help you a lot).

Don’t ask this guy out. In fact, don’t ever ask a guy out or tell him you want him to ask you out. Men want to be the prize winners, and that means you have to be the prize they win. If you make yourself too available, he’s not going to feel that you’re special. If he thinks he beat out other guys to get you, he’s going to feel a lot better about himself when he’s with you, and about you.

Check out the link at the top of this page for Dating Advice Books, and buy Think & Date LIke A Man. You are someone who could really benefit from the advice in the book.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’d really like you to buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man. You will learn everything you need to know — far more than I can tell you in this answer — to be a successful dater by reading this book. It’s a quick read. You’ll love it. It will help you. Click on the link above for Dating Advice Books, and order it.

If you’re only getting first dates, you’re doing something wrong, and if you follow the step by step chapters, and take the advice offered, you’ll understand how to approach men, and how to be the prize they want to chase and win. You should stop texting men who don’t ask you out on dates. Don’t you be the aggressor. Let them be the ones who goes after you.

But before that, you have to learn how to dress, groom yourself, flirt and where to go once you’ve mastered those things. You have to understand that dating is a numbers game, and that you have to have a lot of dates in order to meet someone who’s the right one. If you put all your eggs in one basket, you’re most likely going to be wasting your time.

Check out the book and let me know how things work out after you read it and try everything in it, out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Trust issues are very difficult to bridge. When this guy cheated on you after dating for four months, you probably felt rejected and unworthy on some level, and blamed yourself for his cheating on you. Your thinking may have been that you weren’t good enough or you weren’t doing something right, so you were to blame, somehow, for his cheating on you. I hear it now, even after all this time has gone by, that you still want to please him, even though he cheated on you.

What you have to understand, if you can process it, is that you didn’t do anything wrong. When a boyfriend doesn’t like something in a relationship, he has the choice to tell you what he doesn’t like and try to make things work with you, or to break up with you before he begins dating other people. Cheating is just one of the options he had, and that’s the one he took. This is not someone who wants to work things out with you. He wants you to adjust to him.

I’m sorry that you are still trying to please him. I hope you can understand that whatever the reason for his cheating on you, it wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t deserve that. Move on, and find a boyfriend who wants to work on a relationship with you and respects you enough to not cheat.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well….if he doesn’t even acknowledge you when you’re in the same room, there’s really not much of a relationship going on. Given that he’s showing you a cold shoulder since he told you he wants a romantic relationship with you, I wouldn’t put too much stock in the outcome.

I think it would be wise for you to consider him a friend who likes you a lot, but probably would not be great boyfriend material. If he’s blown the friendship by exposing his feelings, and he isn’t able to recover the friendship, then that’s the outcome for now. He’s probably embarrassed over showing his vulnerability, not being sure of your feelings, perhaps changing his mind, or realizing he doesn’t want to be more than friends, or some other reason. Regardless, the best thing to do now is give the friendship some space to recover if that’s possible.

My guess is that if you show him a “soft landing pad” by being the friend you’ve always been for him, then eventually, he’ll pull himself together and be able to be your friend again. But there’s always the possibility that he’s so sensitive that once he’s crossed the bridge of telling you his deeper feelings for you, he can’t swim back to the way things were.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First piece of advice is to make sure that you are legally divorced from your husband. You write that you got your husband to leave, but if you’re still married, you’re subjecting yourself to all kinds of legal and financial issues that may become a problem for you and for anyone else who comes into your life. Also, you can’t really move forward if you’re still married, so get divorced.

Second, if you want to express your appreciate to your boyfriend before he goes on a six week vacation, a thoughtful gift and a card written with your feelings might be a lovely parting gift that he can hold and remember until he gets to hold you in person. If he’s going abroad, a leather passport case is a nice idea. A cozy sweater or sweatshirt to keep him warm when you can’t, works. Or something that’s personal between the two of you.

I like the idea of your giving him a card because you seem to be anxious about saying something “to spoil” things. This way you can write different drafts of the letter and wait until you have the card just the way you want it before giving it to him. Tell him how much you’ve enjoyed the specific times you’ve spent together. Tell him specific things he does that make you feel wonderful. Leave out any future plans or pressures, and make him want to come back to you because you’re the kind of woman who can give him a great parting gift and card.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The question here isn’t does he like you, the question is do you like him? Remember, you’re the prize in the relationship, and he needs to chase you and win you. Men feel best about themselves when they’ve won something, and when it comes to dating, that something is you. If you make it too easy for him, then he’ll never be able to chase and win you.

If you’re not really sure if you want to invest any more time with this guy, I’d advise that you continue to play the field and date other people at the same time as this guy. There’s no reason to be monogamous with him just yet. You don’t know each other well enough to cut off your other options. Remember, this other rule I have: dating is a numbers game. You have to get out there and get up to bat in order to hit a home run, and the more times you’re up at bat, the more likely the chances you’ll hit a home run. Apply that sports analogy to dating and you’ll understand how important it is for you to date a lot of people to find one who’s really right for you.

If you’re dating lots of other guys who do know about paying for the first date, holding hands, and other social manners, and you still pine for this guy you’ve written me about, then you’d know that he’s a guy you’re interested in and one you’re willing to cut a break on his eccentricities. But if you grow tired of his failure to phone you, and only chatting on the internet with you two or three times a week, then your answer will be clear. He wasn’t the one.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your girlfriend has a different social background than you do. If her older sisters, who are at least 21, haven’t had boyfriends or sex, and her friends don’t really talk to her about sex with very many specifics or personal experiences, then she may just come from a family and friends background that isn’t that open about sex. This isn’t wrong. It’s just different. You seem to be very open and eager when it comes to sex, and the difference between the two of you is a big gap to bridge.

If your girlfriend is comfortable discussing her fear of sex or her concerns about intercourse or other sex acts with her doctor I bet she’d get some good advice and reassurance. But if she’s not ready to talk to her physician about her fear of sex or her reluctance about it on her own, you can’t make her. Pressuring her isn’t going to work. It’s just going to make her more tense.

When you said that you don’t get to perform oral sex on her “the want you want to do it,” it seemed to me that you may be just moving too fast for her. It’s very normal for women to feel like certain sexual stimulation is “too intense.” That’s your signal to listen to her and reward her for communicating with you by slowing down and/or backing off. Stop expecting her to have more than one orgasm. She may not be able to, and she may feel that she’s not doing it right or that she’s disappointing you if you tell her that she can or should be having more than one.

It’s wonderful that the two of you are communicating about this. Keeping that channel open is the key to a good sex life. I think, though, that you’re really going to have to slow down a lot. She’s not experienced like you are, and she’s not just learning to navigate your body, but her own, as well. Men are a lot more goal oriented when it comes to sex. Women can get a lot of pleasure from the long warm up and slower, smaller gestures. If you can find pleasure in knowing that not every time you have intimacy it ends in an orgasm, then she may not feel pressured to perform and may feel less tense about sex. Sometimes it’s not men who are pressured to perform, but women.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that there’s more here than you realize. Although you haven’t disclosed your ages, after two years in an adult relationship it’s very normal to want to know if things are heading towards marriage or not. Most women do have biological clocks, and frankly, men have them, too. I think you’re a lot more concerned about the future with this guy than you’re admitting. This underlying tension could definitely be the source of the fighting.

You may feel conflicted because you want this relationship to be heading towards engagement and marriage, but you’re afraid to rock the boat because you don’t want to lose him. He may be aware of your wanting to move forward with the relationship, and not be ready, himself, so he’s looking for an excuse. He may also be reassessing the relationship and wondering if it’s time to put a ring on it or take off for good. And, he may not want to lose you, either.

What I’d encourage you to do is to not worry about feelings so much. Feelings come and go and they waver, but actions speak louder than words, and at some point, what’s at stake here is: Will this relationship progress in a direction and at a speed that you’re both comfortable with? If not, there’s going to be tension, and I think that’s what’s happening here.

You have to decide for yourself how long you’re willing to stay in this relationship if it doesn’t move forward at a speed you’re comfortable with. This is a very difficult decision. The answer is personal because you may not want to waste your time with someone who’s never going to want to commit any more than he already has. Or, you may want to give it more time. The trick is if you’re going to give it more time, you have to really give it more time — not give it more time, but be wishing he’d move faster than he is the whole time you’re seeing him. Because that’s just going to bring you bickering and discomfort.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Next!

By the time a man is 38 years old, you probably won’t be seeing many surprises along the way. So if he didn’t have a job when you met him, and now over a year later, he still doesn’t have a job, the chances of his not having a job next year, are pretty good.

If you’re 40, divorced and a single mother, you should really value yourself enough not to even date someone without a job, let alone without a car. You’ve paid your dues in life, and you deserve a man who wants to take care of himself so he can take care of you. This guy sounds more like another child than a suitor.

Just because he’s nice, writes poems and does your laundry, doesn’t mean he’s a good boyfriend or potential husband. Set an example for your children by taking good care of yourself and establishing yourself as the prize for some man to win. Think about what you want for your own children in a mate when they grow up, and be that person, yourself, so you can show them how it’s done.

You don’t need a break from this guy. You need a break up. Move on. You can do better.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If what you want is an internet friendship with nothing else, I’m sure you can salvage this by giving it some time and not really getting intimate with this guy. He wants something light, flirty and without commitment. So if that’s your cup of tea, just stay within those parameters.

But if you’re looking for a real life relationship, this guy isn’t it. If a man wants to go out on a date with you, you’ll know it because he’ll make sure that the plans are clear and that you’re going to be there. This guy wasn’t that interested in seeing a movie with you. At all.

It’s fine to like a guy, but understand that if he wants to date you, he’ll ask you out. That’s how you’ll know that he likes you as more than a friend.

If all you want is a friendship with this guy, understand that he may just want you as a friend who plays an online game with him, and is one of many friends he has online. He may not want to have you be part of his real life, in fact, I think he’s made that pretty clear by telling you that you live too far away to even meet for a movie.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I would give it one last try, but if I were you, I’d make it a real date, not just getting together, and I’ll tell you why. There is a slim chance she may be waiting for you to actually ask her out on a “proper date” rather than just getting together. That slim chance exists that she’s being non-committal about getting together because you haven’t formally asked her out.

Try calling her and before letting too much time elapse on the phone, ask her specifically to have dinner with you at a particular restaurant on a particular time and date. For instance, say: “Would you like to have dinner with me Saturday night at 8? I made reservations at Luigi’s.” Not only does that show her you want to treat her like a real girlfriend, not just a friend with benefits or less, it also pins her down so that you’ll get a clear yes or no.

If she says no, or more likely, wiggles out of the commitment, then you have your answer: she’s not interested in anything more than a phone buddy. But if she says yes, then your adjustment will have paid off.

[Member]

Posts