[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you need to find out if your girlfriend has any moral or religious ideas about her virginity. If she is resisting having sex because of an ideal — whether it’s from her church, her family or her politics — she may be conflicted and this can cause her pause.

Second, your suggestion that she talk to her doctor is a good one. Just because her check up goes okay, doesn’t mean she discussed painful intercourse or fear of intercourse with her doctor. It would be a good idea if she had a consultation or an exam specifically for that purpose.

Thirdly, your girlfriend may have trouble relaxing. When women have intercourse it’s essential to be relaxed, especially for someone who’s new to it. There can be pain in the beginning, but that’s not always true. What helps is making sure your girlfriend is not tense. After you perform oral sex on her, since that’s already part of your routine, and after she’s had an orgasm that way, might be a good time for her body to be relaxed enough to try having intercourse. You can also try using a water based store bought lubricant, which is second best to her body lubricating itself naturally.

It’s wonderful that you are patient with her. Don’t lay guilt on her about your moving here and changing jobs. That was your decision. Guilting her with that will only make her tenser. Keep that one to yourself. And when you’re talking about sex, make it a conversation you have away from the bedroom. She’ll be more able to open up and talk freely if she doesn’t feel pressured to perform in that very moment.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should pursue the relationship with the man who visits you in person, takes you out on dates, and is available to you in the present, and for a real future, not just one in cyberspace.

The relationship with your ex-boyfriend whom you’ve never met in person, is emotional, but it’s not physical. He’s not available to take you for a walk, to the movies, or to hold your hand and kiss you. You need to be with someone who’s available to you.

The internet is a great tool for meeting people and exploring relationships, but if your one and only boyfriend is only someone you see on the internet and never in real life, that’s not healthy.

Your ex-boyfriend was right when he broke up with you and told you to get a real boyfriend. I suspect that the way he “got wind” as you call it, of your new boyfriend is because you told him about the new relationship. Since he doesn’t live in your country, there’s no other way he could have found out about it. You were subconsciously punishing him for breaking up with you. And it worked. You hurt him the same way that he hurt you. Now, stop that pattern. If you don’t he’s going to get you to break up with your new boyfriend, then he’s going to hurt you by dating someone and so on and so on.

Don’t jeopardize this new relationship with old baggage that doesn’t have to be. Enjoy your new relationship and let go of your past today.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When women have sex with men, they form a bond that men don’t seem to form with women they have sex with in the same way. It’s probably biological, but regardless, you’re hooked. You’ve been together 3 years, which is a long time, and admittedly, most of your high school career now. This makes it even harder to move on.

But if you’re so upset that you’re crying and fighting a lot, it sounds like you need a change — to see what else is out there for you. High school is a great time to sample life, as is college. Rather than get stuck in a rut with someone who you love, but have doubts about, you need to find a way to play the field. It would be very convenient to do this when school starts and he goes off to college. But you may not be able to wait that long. My guess is that the fighting and crying are going to get worse if you don’t move on.

You ask how to get the power back in the relationship. Well, you can’t control him, but you can control yourself, and by being true to yourself and doing what’s healthy and right for you, that will give you back the power, period. Ironically, if he sees you getting your act together and moving on, this may very well propel him to change in a way that values you and your time more. When he sees that you’re there for him at his beck and call, that you take his obnoxious behavior when he drinks without any consequence, and that you are home waiting for him while he’s out with his friends on Saturday night, he’s just going to do more of the same. If you change the pattern, he may react by changing his, too.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you have some history with jealousy that is interfering with this relationship. Since your new boyfriend has given you no reason to feel that he is dishonest or disloyal, the fear of losing him to another woman is in your head.

Every time you get this feeling of jealousy, slow down and don’t react. The mistake you may make is acting out on something that’s not really happening in real life –just in your head. Examine the real life situation at hand and break it down to figure out what is really happening to make you feel anxious. You’ll have to be very patient with yourself in order to do this right because it’s going to take some time.

This isn’t something you need to share with your boyfriend — work on this privately. You can talk it through here or with a girlfriend, but don’t let your personal issues become a relationship issue.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you haven’t dated for a long time, you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing when you’re dating — getting to know the other person to see if this is Ms. Right. Although your girlfriend had made plane reservations to visit her ex a while ago, she could still have cancelled the trip if she wanted to. She may find that this trip to visit the ex is her last, and that she uses the trip to tie up loose ends with him. Or you may find that she’s connected to him in a way you didn’t realize up until now.

So, you’re right, when you say that you need to wait and see where she is when she returns. This is her journey, and you’re wise to recognize that. However, you have free will to stay or go based on what you see from her when she returns.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There’s a great expression going around that people use when they someone being weak. It’s, Man up! It means to stand up and be a man. This expression comes to mind when I read your letter.

It’s very normal to lose the spark in a marriage after nine years with two children. Marriage is hard work and it involves commitment and sacrifice. But if the only problem you have after 9 years of marriage is that you’ve lost the spark, then you need to understand that that is fixable.

One way to do this is to make a hotel date with your wife. Get a babysitter or relatives to babysit your children overnight, and take your wife to a hotel to simply get away from it all and rediscover each other. Leave the laptops and blackberries at home. Sometimes just getting out of your normal environment helps you see each other as lovers, not just spouses caught in a rut.

If that seems to work at all, make it a regular occurrence. You can choose an in town hotel or one that’s an hour or two out of town. Switch them up for variety.

Also make a regular date night with your wife where it’s just the two of you at a restaurant that actually has cloth napkins. This time alone will remind you that it’s not all about the kids. The two of you are important, too.

Treat your wife like a girlfriend. Send her sexy notes and phone messages. It may feel awkward at first, but do it anyway. The more you do it, the more you’ll get back into the groove.

Check out my book, Romantic Date Ideas, for a slew of romantic dates designed to amp up the romance and get the spice back in your sex life.

You’re going to have to work at your marriage to get it over this hump, but you have a wife and two children, and you owe it to them and yourself to make this work.

Unfortunately, you told your wife you’re thinking of cheating on her. I’m sure that was your awkward way of telling her you miss having sex with her. But she probably ended up feeling rejected, vengeful and distant. You’re going to have to do some damage control — so think jewelry and a heartfelt apology.

Mature love means weathering the bumps along the way, and honoring all phases of your relationship as it develops over the years. So man up, and enjoy your wife. Do the work to bring the spark back to your bedroom, and treat each other like boyfriend and girlfriend as well as husband and wife — that way you’ve got all your bases covered between the two of you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, men like to do the pursuing. If you start pursuing him, you take the opportunity and the fun of it away from him, so don’t go asking him out yourself. He’ll feel that you’re so much more a prize if he has to pursue you, does, and wins your attentions as a result. Guys love to win!

Second, sometimes men need a little reassurance. You can give him the reassurance without taking away his manly duty to do the asking out by turning up the heat on your flirting with him. Don’t throw yourself at him, but do send him signals that are non-verbal. For instance, you can do a lot with your eyes that show him you’re interested without winking. Hold his gaze. Don’t look away. If you catch him looking at you when he thinks you’re not, give him a winning smile with a little bit of an “I know what you’re thinking” sparkle in it.

Men love it when you laugh at their jokes, and listen to their tales of “slaying the dragons” at the end of the day. Practice doing this. Even if it’s a mercy giggle, be generous.

Compliments are wonderful free gifts. Tell him you think he looks really great today. His hair is so much sexier than it used to be three years ago — that kind of thing. After doing all that, he’ll get the message from you that you’re interested, without your seeming easy.

If you’ve given him something to chase, and he’s not chasing, then it’s time to move on and understand that although you like him, he’s not moving at your speed, or he’s not interested in you as more than a friend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, USE CONTRACEPTION!! Every time. Keep condoms in pretty boxes in your bathroom and bedroom. Give your boyfriend a manly decorative box with condoms in it. Carry them in your purse, your glove compartment and anywhere else you may find one when you need it. Give your boyfriend a gift of condoms in a nice container as a romantic gift.

Believe me, unwanted pregnancy is a real romance killer! In addition, you surely already know but obviously need a reminder that condoms can protect against some sexually transmitted diseases, so use them.

Once you get birth control under control, order my book called Romantic Date Ideas. You can buy it in the Dating Advice Books section of my website, and it’s only $14.95. Another great gift for your boyfriend and yourself. Read through the book together and decide what dates you want to try together — or surprise him with your favorites. Or make a game of it, and you choose one of the dates to implement one week, and let him surprise you with one he chooses from the book, the next week.

The dates are designed to promote intimacy, romance, and sex if you’re ready for it. They’ll help you spice things up, make them special, or get your motors running — in part or any combination.

Let me know if the dates in the book work for you, and if they make sex more special.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Next!

It sounds like you are very clear that this date was rotten. Why would you put yourself through another date with a guy who can’t even show up dressed nicely? It’s one thing to be nervous on a date and fumble through sentences or spill a drink, but this guy is not in your league.

Remember: You are the prize. He gets to chase and impress you. And if he can’t or doesn’t…next!

Dating is a numbers game, and the more you date, the more likely you are to meet someone who, in your case, shows up for a date looking and smelling so great, he makes you feel special and wonderful, goes out of his way to make sure you are having a great time on the date, and is appreciative and generous because he wants you so much, and knows you’re so valuable, that he’d do what it takes to make you happy.

And send the dud date a copy of my book, Romantic Date Ideas, so maybe he can get a clue.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you both acknowledge that she does not put you first. Most men want to be number one in their relationships, as do most women with their men. If you don’t mind taking second, third or fourth place — or lower than that — to other people she’s “helping” on chat lines or on the internet, or who she used to date, etc., then you’ll be fine. But I doubt it’s going to work as long as she continues this behavior.

Break ups happen when one person is ready to leave. It doesn’t sound like either one of you are ready yet — but remember, she may just be trying to make you feel good by staying, since she knows you want to be in the relationship with her and she’s a people pleaser. In reality, she may be seeing other people, flirting with other people, or looking for her next boyfriend at the same time she’s trying to make you feel good. If she’s always being “nice” to someone to make them feel good, you’re never going to get honesty and you’re never really going to know where the two of you stand.

Eventually, I suspect, you’re going to have had enough, and you’ll move on. But until then, buckle up for rocky roads.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is not a course in school entitled, Love 101. There’s English and there’s History, but no one gives you a textbook on love or a course guide or a mid term and a final exam. People learn about love from what they see around them growing up, out and about in the world, and the media. They make their own decisions about what is right and wrong in love and otherwise, the same way.

Your girlfriend’s idea of love is different than yours. You can’t call the police and fine her or ticket her for not loving you properly because there’s no code or laws to break in love. So you have to decide if this is someone who’s compatible in their love for you.

You already know deep down that the reason your girlfriend doesn’t tell you about meeting her ex or going off to a beach party for a week is because she doesn’t want you to be part of it. Her idea of having a boyfriend — or having you as her boyfriend — just doesn’t include being invited to the party. And it doesn’t include telling you the truth.

Since you’ve only been dating a few months, you’ve done your job and figured out what isn’t working for you. I’d say respect yourself and move on. You’ll feel a lot more comfortable with a girlfriend who doesn’t lie to you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and just because you think a woman is ugly doesn’t mean she doesn’t have sex appeal and charisma. In fact lots of beautiful women are cheated on and left for less beautiful woman all the time. Attraction is what makes someone beautiful and it sounds like your boyfriend and this woman you think is ugly have an attraction.

In fact your dream is probably your subconscious helping you understand what’s been bother you about your boyfriend and this woman: whether or not he’s cheating on you, he’s attracted to her.

Since you’ve admitted cheating on him, it sounds like this relationship is going to be one where cheating and looking elsewhere for sparks is the norm.

A boyfriend should make you feel special and desired. If he doesn’t, it may be time for a new boyfriend!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You don’t have to take my advice, but if you move forward with this guy you will be settling. Lots of people do it, but they usually feel resentment down the road, and the resentment can get so bad it leads to acting out — either by cheating, picking fights to induce the other person to cheat and/or leave, substance abuse, food abuse or some other self destructive dynamic.

That nagging voice deep down inside that caused you to write about your concerns that he really appreciates you, is what you need to listen to. You already know the answer to your question.

Click on the link above to buy my dating advice books. Then read them. I bet they’ll help you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You continue to hope for an alternative reality because you don’t like the way your girlfriend has changed in this one. I’m sorry to say, but this is the only reality there is.

Lots of people get into big trouble because they commit to relationships based on a person’s potential. The relationship works or fails based not on the potential but on what the person actually does and how they conduct themselves. You’re still looking for something you had with her in the past, but no longer have now. The reality now is things are different.

You may have had some super great times together, but you had a lot of problems, too. And now you’re unhappy because she’s changed, and you both acknowledge the change, but you’re fighting it and wanting it to be her fault, and for her to change back to the way she was.

You can’t make her change. That’s her job. All you can do is express yourself to her, which it sounds like you’ve done, and wait for her response – which you clearly don’t like. You say she’s not acting like herself, but the reality is, the way she acts IS the way she is. She may be acting differently, but it’s still her. That’s the reality.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The relationship you had with your girlfriend is over. The reason it ended is because of your temper and because you hit her. Don’t contact her again. It’s done.

Understand that the violence is what lost you the relationship, and unless you find a way to stop acting out by yelling and hitting, you will continue to lose relationships. Any healthy woman will not want to be with you as long as you lose your temper and strike them.

The good news is that you’re aware of this problem and you’re not denying it. I’m glad you recognize this as a serious problem. That’s the first step to curing it.

Make sure you have outlets for your energy. Lots of men get out their aggressions by playing sports, running track, or doing something active with their bodies that makes them sweat, exhausted, and uses up that energy in a positive way. Everybody’s body has a different chemistry, and alleviating your feelings, like anger and rage, by using a punching bag, playing racquetball or one on one pick up basketball are all great ways to take care of yourself — and your relationships. If you find that this is helping, make sure you workout like this regularly. It will keep your relationship with a woman healthier, if when you feel angry you go for a run or hit the gym or go for a big swim rather than taking it out on her.

Understand that life will continue to throw you curve balls — of that you can be sure. There will be many situations where you will not get what you want — whether it’s having a girlfriend do or say what you wanted her to, or a boss at work do or say what you wanted him to, etc. Maturity and wisdom will be yours when you accept the way the world works, and learn to roll with it instead of warring on it.

Be sad that you lost this girl because of your temper, and vow to change yourself, so it never happens like this again.

I think you can do it.

[Member]

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