[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please understand I was not criticizing you for putting your family first. If that’s your decision, then that’s okay. You can also change your mind at some point, and then you can change it again. It’s very normal to have different feelings about parents and family throughout your life.

That said, if you love someone and want to be with them, and your family doesn’t approve, you have to choose: your boyfriend or your family. Making choices is a test of maturity.

You seem to be very clear that your family comes first, so unless you can find a boyfriend your family approves of, you’re always going to have conflict within yourself, and probably drama in your relationships. It sounds like the first part is happening now.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be black and white. You can go to your family and tell them how you feel about this man and what happened, and that you’ve chosen to put them first, but that you’re sad and lonely and wish that they can help you find someone appropriate to date, that you are crazy about, too! Your family doesn’t have to be just the arbiter of who is a good boyfriend for you or not — they can actually be a resource and help you find someone. Maybe even someone amazing. Try talking to someone in your family — if you can broach your parents on this subject, you may be surprised at what they reveal about their own pasts to you. It may bring you even closer than you are.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Over and over I see very intelligent, well educated women flunk love. If what you say about your friend and her boyfriend is true, she is going to go through her own education in relationships! But maybe what you say you know about her boyfriend is not true, or maybe not all of it is true, or maybe it is — you just don’t know for sure.

And that’s why I’d advise you to butt out. It’s [i]her[/i] relationship with [i]her[/i] boyfriend. It’s not really your business, and the information you have is third-hand. That means it’s gossip or rumor. Nothing good comes from spreading gossip, so don’t.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It really sounds like you wish this woman was different. You’d like to be treated differently. You’d like her to behave differently. But she is who she is, and you are who you are. There are way too many differences between the two of you. You’re not going to change her, and you’re frustrated.

It’s easy to take feelings of lust and infatuation seriously, especially when you’re young and your body is full of hormones which make relationships feel super sexually charged, but a relationship is only going to last if people treat each other the way the other person wants to be treated. The best relationships happen when a woman makes you feel like a great man, and a man makes a woman feel like her best self. It doesn’t sound like either of you do that for each other.

You may have feelings for her, but it’s not enough. Don’t waste your summer. You’re only going to be heartbroken most of it if you keep on like this. Open you eyes and your mind and meet other women.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Relax. You don’t have a problem with your girlfriend. Everything is going fine with her. Your problem is with you. You’re looking for a problem that doesn’t exist in this relationship. It exists in your past. You mention that you have a history that involves your being cheated on, and chances are, you’re still scarred from that hurt and are looking to head off being hurt again.

If you don’t know how your girlfriend is feeling about you, rather than ask her straight out, which on a regular basis, broadcasts the message, I’m a really insecure guy, pay attention to her moods and any changes in her behavior. And if you still find yourself needing to ask her how she feels, don’t ask her point blank: How do you think our relationship is going? If you need to tell her how you feel, then you do it. But don’t survey her because you’re the one with the need to know.

Also, don’t bait her for a fight that starts out with you criticizing her for never telling you how she feels — when everything is going fine. You may find yourself trying to impose your past history of hurtful break ups on this relationship to replay history, or to subconsciously break up with her or cause her to break up with you because somehow in your head you figure the pain is coming, regardless, so you’d rather get it over with now.

Enjoy your life and your relationship with this woman for what it is. Try to let go of your past hurt and know that life brings good and bad surprises, and that you are strong enough to weather all of them. And right now, your relationship weather is sunny.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re following a dream.

Sorry. I’m not sure that’s what you wanted to hear — actually I’m sure it’s not what you wanted to hear, but you didn’t come here for lies!

You’re vulnerable because you’re divorcing. You’ve also been cheated on, so it’s normal to feel rejected as well. The booty call boyfriend is back — but not really. If he was just overseas or long distance, it might work out, but because you have a failed history with him, I think you’re just clutching at straws and he’s Mr. Available or worse, Mr. Right Now.

Finish getting divorced. Meet some new people who don’t treat you like a booty call or cheat on you. You’re getting a fresh start, use it well. Re-read my books if you haven’t already, and consider them your refresher course for getting a fresh start on dating and the world!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You know, people can have all the advanced education in the world, and still be insecure. You can have doctorates and PhDs coming out of your ears, but still make bad decisions when it comes to men. If you don’t believe me, read the newspapers, magazines and tabloids, and you’ll see beautiful and successful women being dumped left and right. And you know why? They’re doing what you’re doing.

Your boyfriend is treating you like he just doesn’t care that much about you. It’s pretty clear. You’ve invested a lot in yourself in terms of education, church life, and probably other things, but you haven’t really made it a point to educate yourself about how to be the woman who gets the great guy.

So when you say it’s you and not him, you’re right. Any other woman with your assets would dump this guy, but you’re flunking the course on dating! Instead of buying textbooks, buy my books and read them.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

At least half of my advice goes to men, so you’re not alone here!

But I’m very concerned that you say you want to kill yourself as a result of your feelings from fighting with your girlfriend. You may love her very much, but that doesn’t mean you have the tools to help her — she sounds like she’s been through quite a lot in her life. Loving people is easy. Being compatible is not.

She sounds like she has serious abandonment issues and probably a slew of other issues due to the history she has told you about. It sounds like there may be more you don’t know about just yet, as well.

Remember what relationships can be if you let them: supportive, loving, intimate, sexual, fun, romantic and future oriented. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you have here.

My advice is not to dive in here. She may not be the one for you if you both end up depressed to such extremes. If you can see her casually, then I’d advise proceeding, but I don’t think this is a healthy relationship as it stands now, and you both seem to need more space from each other than you have right now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have a problem. You write that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, but you want her to change. Warning! Warning! You can’t change her. You can tell her what you want, and you can change yourself, but if you think you’re going to change her, you’re walking down a bad path.

Fights don’t happen out of nowhere. The cliche is that married couples who fight over who takes out the garbage are not really fighting about who takes out the garbage. It’s always something else.

It sounds like your girlfriend is upset about something you don’t know about. You can ask her if there’s something upsetting her that she hasn’t told you about, or if she thinks there’s something underlying the fights the two of you seem to be having. Preferably, bring this up when things are good, not in the middle or the end of a fight. You want her to be in a calm, pensive mood, not an agitated one.

If she can’t think of something underlying the fighting, and you can’t either, then I’d suggest you consider taking a break from each other. If you two started out not fighting, went two years together, and the fighting is escalating, she may not be someone who’s your best life partner.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Nothing happened because you didn’t ask her out. It’s really simple. You’re reading way too much into this. Hairdressers talk to their clients regularly. Yours may have liked you and was probably waiting for you to ask her out, but when you didn’t, she just went about her business.

If you want to ask her out, do it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Calling her every now and then is a fine idea. Don’t make the weekly calls too methodical, though. Give the dance of love a little syncopation. Call her one week, then wait ten or twelve days or even two or three weeks for the next call. Let her miss you a little, then call her and give her something to be grateful for in your call. If you want to build up to a date, and she’s reluctant because she’s taking care of business, make yourself attractive to her as well as satiating your desire to know she’s still there.

Also, be flexible. If you call her one week, and she’s just miserable, in tears, and completely absorbed in her own divorce situation, you may want to give her some more time than a week to take care of her business. Listen to her, and you’ll know what to do and when.

In the meantime, keep your own options open in terms of other women. She may be more interested in you if she knows that you’re a catch and you have a life. Seeing other women — as friends, casual dates, or more — will also let you know yourself better and give you more self esteem. That self esteem will keep you from panicking about whether she’ll be there or not when you call.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, regarding your divorce attorney, there’s no mandated time period for you to wait before dating. I would just make sure he’s not your lawyer any more before you start dating since you’re already in the middle of divorce proceedings. If you were dating a lawyer and needed legal help, it’s not advisable to hire your boyfriend, but it’s not illegal. Where the trouble comes in is 1) if a client becomes a lover, and then the lawyer is liable for sexual harassment charges if you suddenly change your tune about how things happened and how his advances affected his representation, or 2) if you’re not clear headed enough to ask questions or make good decisions about your case because you keep picturing him naked.

Got that?

As for your attracting younger men, I really think you may not realize that you’re putting out some kind of energy that’s attracting younger men. I’d advise you to really take a good look at yourself when you’re out and about and try to figure out if you’re flirting without even realizing it, with these younger guys.

The other thing, and this is the most important thing you have to remember, is that you’re the one who can say no to the younger guys you’re attracting. If what you really want is older men then the ones you’re getting, don’t say yes to the younger ones. Don’t be available to them. If they come on to you, smile — and leave. If you’re chatting up some younger guy and a really great older guy comes by and sees you, he’s possibly going to walk away seeing you “taken”. Make yourself available for the kind of men you want, by using your power of ‘no’ to the younger ones.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your divorce does not concern children, then chances are that once your divorce is ordered by the court and your property has been settled up, you’re done with your divorce and your attorney. At that point I see no reason why you can’t date your attorney.

But, if you have children from the marriage that is ending in divorce, then the chances are that you’ll be needing your attorney for working out custody changes or child support modifications throughout the course of the kids’ minority (until they are 18), so in that case, you can’t date your attorney. Unless, of course, you want to fire this attorney and get a new one. There’s nothing wrong with that.

My concern is that you focus on getting a good divorce while you’re in the middle of it, and not get distracted. I would hate for you to look back in several years and say to yourself, Gosh, I got a bad divorce settlement or judgment because I was so distracted by my feelings for my attorney I didn’t speak up or ask questions. I want you to focus on what’s important right this second, which is your divorce.

But once you’re divorced, and you’re done with your attorney as an attorney, go for it!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Love hurts. Google the songs about love and you’ll come up with loads. My suggestion is to burn yourself six CDs of your favorite songs about love and play them all the time. You’re not alone. People become jubilant over meeting someone, and dashed over losing them. Over. And. Over. And. Over.

That said, I don’t think this guy has given you any reason to distrust him. But you need to be realistic. You don’t know him very well. You don’t know his family or his friends. See if he puts his money where his mouth is. In other words, you don’t have to trust him — you can accept where things are now, and watch and see if he actually does what he says he’s going to do. That’s how he’s going to earn or lose your respect. Relationships and deep love are built on people coming through for each other over and over in real life — not just under the moonlight, in bed, and at airports as they’re saying passionate goodbye or hello.

You have the basis for a real relationship. See if you can build the blocks that make it work, together. But don’t put your life on hold. He’s not here. Yet. It’s okay to anticipate his coming here, but not if you become paralyzed waiting for him. Stay focused on yourself, and allow him to be part of your life — but not all of your life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s what you do, although you’re not going to like my advice, I’m pretty sure: You stop seeing this guy and stop being friends with him. He’s married. It’s not your business whether he married her for the right or wrong reasons, or whether he loves her or not. Butt out. He bought a ring, proposed, and showed up at his wedding. At the very least. Respect his marriage the way you would want someone else to respect yours. Better yet, respect yourself enough not to toy with someone who’s unavailable.

He’s already told you his history of emotional abuse, and he’s clearly troubled. The questions is why would you want to reunite? Are you so desperate for love that you’d take if from someone who’s not all there for his own wife? Or you? It’s not your job or your responsibility to fix this guy. Nor can you. That’s his life. You need to live yours.

I’d like to tell you that you deserve the love of a man who wants all of you and wants to give you all of himself and will be loyal to you and know that you will be loyal to him. I’d like you to want that for yourself. But as long as you allow yourself the fantasy that this guy will someday be that person, you’re never going to heal yourself. That’s why I want you to cut off from this guy completely. Work on yourself. Focus on your job, on your family and friends. Go to pilates or take tai chi. Learn to salsa dance or give yourself a full blown out makeover!

You deserve to live life at the best of your ability. You can do better than this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what kind of job you have that affords you to talk to this woman for 8 hours in a day and for three or more hours a day most days. I think you might have too much time on your hands. If you already have a job, consider getting a second job. Maybe you can volunteer for a charity. There are lots of people who have real problems like cancer, homelessness, American veterans who’ve suffered during tours of duty and now need help. Consider spending your time volunteering for people who really need your help. Maybe you can get involved with politics or an environmental cause or helping the elderly who are so often abandoned by their own families or some other greater good.

You appear to be bored and misdirected. I’m not sure you have any direction. You’re obviously bright, but you’re wasting all that intelligence meandering through life.

Quit drinking, quit trolling Facebook, and quit introducing your children to women you got drunk and slept with. Lots of people are not as lucky as you to be bright and healthy. Go help them. Maybe you’ll find yourself along the way.

[Member]

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