[ghosty20]

thank you. This is what I have been trying to decide: whether my sobriety, and my needs for that at this point my life, early in sobriety when it’s most crucial, are a deciding factor in this relationship. I have come to realize that being sober, and getting healthy, growing into the best version of myself I can be now that I have decided to do so, is the most important thing in my life. I know that she recognizes that in theory, but by action, she has proved that drinking is more important to her than she admits.

as far as the being late thing, she doesnt just do it to me, she does it to everyone. her friends call it being on “XXXX time” (XXXX in place of her name). I have started doing exactly what you suggested, and if it looks like I’m going to end up waiting, or if i’m working on my own stuff, I just stay at work until she’s ready. but it has backfired. we hang out even less. If i am polite and let her know that i’m staying at work until she’s actually ready, or that I will be a little late myself, she disappears for the night. back to work or out with friends, or onto a business call with her new business partners. we have been working on it, and it has gotten somewhat better. by that I mean that when i used to wait 4 hours or she just didnt show up at all, now it’s 1 or 2 hours.

after our current fight, she swears that she is ready to change, and that she promises me that she will commit to being at home a certain time, on time, 3 nights a week. given my experience, I highly doubt that to come true, so I told her if we could do one night a week and see how that goes, then we could try a second night. she got really mad and says I dont trust her. I do trust her, completely, but i’m staring down the past 10 months of her never being where she says she’s going to be when she says she’s going to be there. I’m patient and understanding, but I know those kind of habits take a while to break.

I have no doubt that she has nothing but the best intentions at heart. she is a kind and loving person to all those around her, and a genuinely good person. I have no doubt that she genuinely cares. but the end result, based on action, is that I feel entirely unimportant, and am looking at making a huge sacrifice for several years for a person that wont make a relatively small, albeit admittedly challenging sacrifice for me. seh says, and i believe, that she feels terrible about breaking her promise, but OTOH hand, she kept doing it for several weeks in a row and only stopped because I finally said something about it.

and yes, I think it’s highly possible that i just need to be with someone that is sober also, or just be a single person while I learn to be a healthy me.

it’s just very difficult because I love her very much, and she is without question my closest and dearest friend. and I know that part about being “friends,” I suppose I was speaking euphemistically.

thanks again.

[Member]

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