[ghosty20]

Hi April,

about a year and a half ago I started a new job. On my first day, I was introduced to a co-worker and immediately thought to myself: uh oh. i’m gonna end up dating this girl. We became good friends over the next couple months, and started going out to bars after work several times a week last summer, hanging out at my place, etc. Of course, one thing led to another, and we started hooking up. At the time, I had a serious drinking problem, and had for several years. Well, I had just come off of a pretty bad relationship with a girl that constantly accused me of cheating when I wasn’t, and she had no basis to do so other than a previous cheating boyfriend and the resulting fear of a repeat. So I wasn’t really ready for a new relationship at first, and something felt a little off between me and this new girl anyway. But she is an amazing person, and we kept hanging out really consistently.

While we were starting to get more serious about dating, I had a pretty bad night drinking and wrecked her car. She forgave me pretty quickly, and we moved on, and she never brought it up again. A very good sign to me. I paid to have her car fixed and quit drinking that day. 10 months later, I’m still sober. Not a sip. As you might imagine, going sober has been pretty difficult, and my lady has been very supportive and put up with a lot while I got myself sober. A few weeks after that car incident, my lease was up, and she suggested I move in. We have been living together since then, and she is a great roommate and most of the time I love living with her. A couple weeks after moving in, we became “official,” and have been mututally exclusive since then.

She’s my best friend, I know without a doubt that she loves me. I love her very much, and have nothing but respect and appreciation for her. I don’t have a single negative thing to say about her as a person. but still, we are having some major problems, and I really just dont know what to do.

the problems started about 6 months ago. The first problem is our sex life. It never really works. I don’t feel fulfilled, and I don’t think she does either. We do have pretty good sex sometimes, but often it’s mediocre or just doesn’t happen for several weeks at a time. Even when the sex is good, I still feel really detached from it. I have a really hard timing getting into the mood to make out with her, and while it’s happening, I have a pretty difficult time staying in the mood. It’s gotten better slowly over the last year, but it’s still problematic, sometimes worse than others.

the second problem is that she’s never around. We are both very busy and ambitious and hard working, but somehow, I always make time for her, but the effort isn’t returned. If we do make plans for a certain time, if I show up on time, i typically have to wait 1, 2, 3, sometimes 4 hours for her to show up. When she tells me, “i’m leaving now, be home in a few,” I can count on it taking at least an hour and a half. OTOH, if I tell her I’m going to be even 30 minutes late, or leave any ambiguity in my plans, she just goes and does something else. stays at work late, goes out with friends, etc. If I’m lucky, we maybe manage to hang out for a few hours on Sunday afternoon every other week. I respect and appreciate that she’s busy, but I am, too, and i jsut feel like if it was important to her to make time for me, she would. We have talked about this ad nauseum over the last 6 months, she keeps telling me it will change, but it doesnt. 3 times last week we were supposed to see a movie, but she stayed late at work instead. i will say, she does do things that show she cares, like bringing me snacks at work and saying hello, cooking me breakfast in the morning, makign sure i wake up on time for meetings, listening to me when i’m down, making sure I take my meds, hugging me whenever she does see me, etc.

problem number 3: we had an agreement that if i would go to therapy and start working out, she would quit drinking for a while (she doesnt have quite the same drinking problem I do, but it’s very difficult for me right now, early in my sobriety, to be around someone who drinks or has beer in the house). I kept my end of the bargain, and she didnt. She lasted maybe two weeks, when the agreement was for 3 months. meanwhile, we are on the verge of getting engaged, and are planning on moving to a new city in the south in January, one where she has a ton of friends, a professional support network, went to grad school, and is starting a new business with close friends. however, I know ZERO people in that town, have very few professional opportunities there, and have no reason to be there other than her. We are talking about it being for something like 5 years before we would move on. it really bothers me that I’m willing to make a sacrifice of that magnitude and she can’t manage to not drink for a few months to help me out.

the end result is that the sex, the total lack of seeing each other, the broken agreement, the lack of improvement despite multiple talks about the issues, and the stress of moving to a new city together has us fighting constantly. We will have two good weeks where everything seems perfect followed by a week or two of abysmal fighting, her crying, etc. I totally love this woman, but it doesnt seem to be working out at all, i feel like I’m giving up my life for her and not getting the same kind of commitment back, and to top it all off, at the bottom of my gut, I have this sneaking suspicion that we should just be friends and that that is why the sex doesn’t work.

Please help. I dont know what to do. I don’t want to ruin something that is in many ways very good for me with someone I love and that I know loves me–out of being selfish, which is what I fear I’m doing,–but on the other hand, I’m at a crossroads in my own life where I need to take a new leap towards my goals, and the city we are moving to is not the best place for me, and i’m very worried that I’m giving up what I want (to move out west and start my own business) for someone that should just be a friend and/or that I’m never going to manage to get along with consistently or have what I want out of a relationship with.

[AskApril Masini]

Congratulations on your sobriety. It’s really great that you recognized your wake up call and took action to live a healthier life. 😀 Many people who become sober after periods of drinking realize that relationships that they had when they were drinking don’t serve them in their sobriety. It sounds like that is playing a part in what’s going on with you and your girlfriend. You have to put your sobriety first. Above your relationship with anyone else. When people have addictions, their relationships with their substances are first, and anyone else is second. Your staying sober has to be your number one priority in order for you to be able to have [i]any[/i] healthy relationships — whether they’re romantic, business, friendship, family, etc. If it’s difficult for you to be around people who are drinking, as it sometimes is for people who are practicing sobriety, then you have to recognize that fact and understand that people who drink can’t be a part of your inner circle.

As for the other two problems, anyone who is chronically late is selfish. 🙁 There’s a lack of empathy for your time, your life and your feelings. If you were to work on this problem with this woman or anyone in your future, you can’t just point out the problem and ask them to change. You have to make changes. If you wait for 20 minutes and they don’t show up, leave. You don’t have to be nasty about it — you can be disappointed — but by leaving, you’re sending the message that you have boundaries and self-respect. You can say, “I’m really sorry you didn’t show up when you said you would. I was looking forward to seeing you.” This gives them the responsibility for being late.

The sex problem is something you can work if you’re committed to each other, but it really sounds like the commitment isn’t appropriate at this time. Your sobriety and her interest in drinking in spite of your discomfort, is a deal breaker.

You’re having problems breaking up with her because there is no blatant abuse — which makes break ups easy. When there’s domestic violence, betrayal and cheating, criminal acts — these are easy deal breakers. But many times, when both people are decent folks, but simply incompatible or don’t have similar goals for life or the relationship, it’s a lot harder to let go.

My advice to you is focus on what’s best for you and walk the walk. You need to live a sober life with someone who’s got self respect and respect for you and others, and this woman isn’t compatible under those circumstances. I would drop the idea of being friends because men and women can’t be friends (especially post break up!), and often men will say let’s just be friends instead of romantic partners, to simply soften the blow — but instead, “let’s be friends” ends up being a slow and painful rip of a bandaid, so while it may seem cruel, it’s much kinder to simply be civil and say, thank you, but this is over. You’ve been great, but I need to pursue other relationships in my life.

I hope that helps!

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[ghosty20]

thank you. This is what I have been trying to decide: whether my sobriety, and my needs for that at this point my life, early in sobriety when it’s most crucial, are a deciding factor in this relationship. I have come to realize that being sober, and getting healthy, growing into the best version of myself I can be now that I have decided to do so, is the most important thing in my life. I know that she recognizes that in theory, but by action, she has proved that drinking is more important to her than she admits.

as far as the being late thing, she doesnt just do it to me, she does it to everyone. her friends call it being on “XXXX time” (XXXX in place of her name). I have started doing exactly what you suggested, and if it looks like I’m going to end up waiting, or if i’m working on my own stuff, I just stay at work until she’s ready. but it has backfired. we hang out even less. If i am polite and let her know that i’m staying at work until she’s actually ready, or that I will be a little late myself, she disappears for the night. back to work or out with friends, or onto a business call with her new business partners. we have been working on it, and it has gotten somewhat better. by that I mean that when i used to wait 4 hours or she just didnt show up at all, now it’s 1 or 2 hours.

after our current fight, she swears that she is ready to change, and that she promises me that she will commit to being at home a certain time, on time, 3 nights a week. given my experience, I highly doubt that to come true, so I told her if we could do one night a week and see how that goes, then we could try a second night. she got really mad and says I dont trust her. I do trust her, completely, but i’m staring down the past 10 months of her never being where she says she’s going to be when she says she’s going to be there. I’m patient and understanding, but I know those kind of habits take a while to break.

I have no doubt that she has nothing but the best intentions at heart. she is a kind and loving person to all those around her, and a genuinely good person. I have no doubt that she genuinely cares. but the end result, based on action, is that I feel entirely unimportant, and am looking at making a huge sacrifice for several years for a person that wont make a relatively small, albeit admittedly challenging sacrifice for me. seh says, and i believe, that she feels terrible about breaking her promise, but OTOH hand, she kept doing it for several weeks in a row and only stopped because I finally said something about it.

and yes, I think it’s highly possible that i just need to be with someone that is sober also, or just be a single person while I learn to be a healthy me.

it’s just very difficult because I love her very much, and she is without question my closest and dearest friend. and I know that part about being “friends,” I suppose I was speaking euphemistically.

thanks again.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 😀

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