[ooo13471]

All good advice and your comments about the distance are well taken.

After being married for 20 years, I guess I forgot that men can say things like “I’m excited to meet you” etc and then change their minds. Again, I understand about the 4 hours of driving which is why I endured the pen pal situation for so long, but I just didn’t catch on that he was unsure about me. (I won’t tell what else he wrote, but believe me, it didn’t sound unsure by anyone’s interpretation!) Plus, 20 years ago there weren’t even cell phones, much less online dating, so things were much more simple then. Back then, you met first (or at least that’s how it worked with me), so uncertainty wasn’t so much of a factor. I dated a lot in high school and college before meeting my ex-husband, so I’ll just have to try and remember the ropes a little better in the future.

You’re right – I should have moved on sooner, but I liked him a lot and wanted to be sure the date was cancelled before accepting another. It is for the best any way because he is several years younger than I am which is not a good thing. By the way, I’m still going out with the man I went out with instead (it was our second date) and this weekend will be our 4th – so far, so good.

I hope my experience will be helpful to your other readers. Biggest lesson learned here – no more online pen pals!

[ooo13471]

Just want to let you know that I did buy your book and have read it. The premise of the book seems to be that men and women approach romantic relationships with each other from different perspectives which is true, but I already knew that.

I agree with you that online communication needs to quickly transition to an actual date and I have learned that lesson the hard way. I also agree that behavior trumps dialogue and I have learned that lesson the hard way too.

I agree with you that he would have not shown up for the date, but for the benefit of your readers, I’d like to say that I’m glad I pushed him to cancel the date in advance rather than stand me up! As a result, I went out with another man instead. To have “just never shown up for the date” is not acceptable and to cease contacting me at all is no price to pay as contact would have ceased upon being stood up anyway!

I’m sure I didn’t need to clarify that for you, but I did want to clarify that for any readers who may think they should go ahead and get stood up only to resume contact with a man who would treat them in such a fashion to begin with.

[ooo13471]

I am blaming him only for exactly what he did – What he did was ask me out for a date for a date certain, not just some time in the future and yes, he asked me for the date with no hints from me to do so, then he followed that up with a couple of weeks of communication telling me how excited he was about meeting me, and then he disappeared. Had I not run into him on the dating site, received confirmation from him that the date was cancelled (which he would not have provided on his own), and found another date, he would have stood me up.

So how is he free from blame and what is my behavior that I’m not wanting to take responsibility for? All I did was accept a date.

[ooo13471]

Thank you for your response. I know yours is good advice and I am following it. I too am going out with other people. I know it doesn’t help that he is the first man I’ve spent a substantial amount of time with (even if it was online) and the first man I’ve really been attracted to (even if its just based upon images and not meeting in person) since getting divorced from a long term marriage. The last time I was single they didn’t even have the internet, so of course I’m not used to having in depth conversations with men I don’t even know. It all seems backwards to me. I’ve noticed that my dates I’ve met online have very quickly transitioned from e-mail to phone calls to dates (I’m talking 48 to 72 hours)- none of that long term pen pal business. That’s what makes me think I’ve been played. Of course, I know it shouldn’t matter whether I’ve been played or not and I don’t suppose it would had I not developed feelings for him. I just don’t understand talking/typing about how excited you are about seeing someone and the future one minute and disappearing the next! I’d really like to know whether it was something I did/or didn’t do versus getting played. I don’t want to be humiliated anymore than I have been and I’ve interpreted his line about “let’s chat soon so that we can find a time that does work” to just be a way to try and lessen the humiliation. Should I just assume I’ve been played and hope that over time the sting of it all will just fade away? I really can’t ask him “what happened”, can I?

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