[ooo13471]

For 4 months I’ve been chatting online with a man who lives 2 hours away. During that time we had gaps in connecting until about a month ago when during a long chat he said he thought we had a strong chemistry, but had been cautious with each other and that he wanted to put that and any games aside and do something about it by giving a relationship a try. So we set a date. Due to scheduling conflicts on both sides, our date was set for this weekend (second weekend of May). The plan was for him to come to my city. During the last couple of chats, which he initiated, I commented that it looked like he had gone offline during the chats and he said no he was just invisible. He initiated the final chat of April 20 with a comment about not having heard from me in a week. The chat was really sweet though. He said he was excited about meeting me and the chat ended well. After that final chat I did not contact him for a week because of scheduling issues. The next week I sent him a couple of IMs, but he did not respond immediately as usual. I sent then him an e-mail and it was returned saying the account no longer exists. The service provider told me that he would not receive any IMs once the account was deactivated, but they could not give me the date of deactivation. We had met through an online dating service and I had previously noticed that he had taken his profile down. A few days ago I saw that he had put it back up. I sent him an e-mail through the dating site asking whether he still wanted to meet and asked him to call me. I can see that he read the e-mails the day they were sent. Instead of going ahead and sending an e-mail cancelling the date, he took 2 days to respond. When he did respond he sent me an e-mail which said “This weekend isn’t going to work unfortunately. Let’s chat soon and come up with a time that does” with a smiley face at the end. Luckily for me, I have another date for the night we were supposed to meet, so I won’t be home fretting about the situation. I don’t plan to ever contact him again as he offered no explanation for disappearing for two weeks which would have turned into disappearing forever but for the online dating site. Still, I admit I miss him and would like to know what happened. Have I just been played pure and simple? What, if anything, can or should I do? I would greatly appreciate any feedback anyone could provide.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may [i]want[/i] to know what happened, but you don’t get to! 🙁 And please don’t ask him! Since you’ve never dated this guy, your relationship is purely casual, and it’s just an online relationship since you met him on a dating site where he’s also looking to date other women besides you. Focus on the date you do have! And on meeting people who want to date you, rather than those who talk a good game, but never follow through.

Online dating can be misleading because intimate conversations over the internet don’t equal a real life relationship. They’re just a process where you get to decide if this person is someone you want to date in real life.

Please read Think & Date Like A Man, so you understand better how to find, get and keep Mr. Right! Here’s the link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. 😀

[ooo13471]

Thank you for your response. I know yours is good advice and I am following it. I too am going out with other people. I know it doesn’t help that he is the first man I’ve spent a substantial amount of time with (even if it was online) and the first man I’ve really been attracted to (even if its just based upon images and not meeting in person) since getting divorced from a long term marriage. The last time I was single they didn’t even have the internet, so of course I’m not used to having in depth conversations with men I don’t even know. It all seems backwards to me. I’ve noticed that my dates I’ve met online have very quickly transitioned from e-mail to phone calls to dates (I’m talking 48 to 72 hours)- none of that long term pen pal business. That’s what makes me think I’ve been played. Of course, I know it shouldn’t matter whether I’ve been played or not and I don’t suppose it would had I not developed feelings for him. I just don’t understand talking/typing about how excited you are about seeing someone and the future one minute and disappearing the next! I’d really like to know whether it was something I did/or didn’t do versus getting played. I don’t want to be humiliated anymore than I have been and I’ve interpreted his line about “let’s chat soon so that we can find a time that does work” to just be a way to try and lessen the humiliation. Should I just assume I’ve been played and hope that over time the sting of it all will just fade away? I really can’t ask him “what happened”, can I?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No, you can’t ask him what happened. 😳 And you’re investing way too much into a relationship with someone you’ve never met. He didn’t play you because he didn’t take advantage of you. He didn’t even date you! You’re blaming him for something he didn’t do instead of taking responsibility for your own behavior. 😕

I’m not just trying to sell books when I recommend one, and I really think you need to read Think & Date Like A Man, especially because you’ve been out of the dating world for so long. Here’s the link again: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. You can also buy the book on the sites for Barnes & Noble or Amazon, but the link I’ve given you is an automatic download of the book in e-book form, so you can start reading tonight!

Use the internet as a tool — not a place to hang out. Find out if the guys you’re meeting are compatible enough to even warrant a date! And read the book — it will help you a lot!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[ooo13471]

I am blaming him only for exactly what he did – What he did was ask me out for a date for a date certain, not just some time in the future and yes, he asked me for the date with no hints from me to do so, then he followed that up with a couple of weeks of communication telling me how excited he was about meeting me, and then he disappeared. Had I not run into him on the dating site, received confirmation from him that the date was cancelled (which he would not have provided on his own), and found another date, he would have stood me up.

So how is he free from blame and what is my behavior that I’m not wanting to take responsibility for? All I did was accept a date.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re investing way too much energy in this guy you’ve never even met. 😳 That’s why I want you to read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you can understand how NOT to waste time on someone you don’t really know and date smart! 😉

It’s great to use the internet as a tool, but you have to use it well. After four months, a guy you’ve never ever met, who lives two hours away from you (which means four hours of driving round trip for any given date! 😕 ), finally asked you out and then basically disappeared — and put his online dating profile back on the dating site you originally met on. 😯 He probably would have just never have shown up for the date, but instead you pursued him so he finally cancelled the date, and has stopped contacting you at all. And you’re emotionally invested in someone who never was into you enough to date you.

I know you had conversations online that led you to believe otherwise — but behavior trumps dialogue, and if a guy doesn’t take you out after about three weeks online, he’s not that interested in you. I can see how you want to blame someone — but if you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], you’ll understand how men behave and why, and what you can do to not be in this kind of situation.

[ooo13471]

Just want to let you know that I did buy your book and have read it. The premise of the book seems to be that men and women approach romantic relationships with each other from different perspectives which is true, but I already knew that.

I agree with you that online communication needs to quickly transition to an actual date and I have learned that lesson the hard way. I also agree that behavior trumps dialogue and I have learned that lesson the hard way too.

I agree with you that he would have not shown up for the date, but for the benefit of your readers, I’d like to say that I’m glad I pushed him to cancel the date in advance rather than stand me up! As a result, I went out with another man instead. To have “just never shown up for the date” is not acceptable and to cease contacting me at all is no price to pay as contact would have ceased upon being stood up anyway!

I’m sure I didn’t need to clarify that for you, but I did want to clarify that for any readers who may think they should go ahead and get stood up only to resume contact with a man who would treat them in such a fashion to begin with.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I appreciate your clarification — but I think you misunderstood — I don’t encourage [i]anyone[/i] to get stood up! 😯 What I’m hoping to help you — and everyone else here — with is dating efficiently and effectively! 😀 I’m glad you ultimately had another date so you didn’t waste the night he cancelled, but four months is a lot of time to spend on someone you never even meet, who then fizzles away. What I encourage readers to do is to move on if someone doesn’t seem like a viable date, and to figure out what a viable date is, quickly!

Choosing someone who lives four hours, round trip, away is putting the relationship at a disadvantage you might not have if you chose someone who lives within an hour (or closer) to your home. If a guy isn’t sure about you, and he knows he’s going to have to drive four hours to get to and get home from a date, the time investment alone may make him choose someone closer to his zip code. In addition, if a guy asks you out and then stops contacting you before the date — and deactivates his e-mail account without giving you an alternative contact, 😕 , it’s time to move on — not call the e-mail server inquiring about him.

I hope that helps and that all your dates from here on in are good ones! 🙂

[ooo13471]

All good advice and your comments about the distance are well taken.

After being married for 20 years, I guess I forgot that men can say things like “I’m excited to meet you” etc and then change their minds. Again, I understand about the 4 hours of driving which is why I endured the pen pal situation for so long, but I just didn’t catch on that he was unsure about me. (I won’t tell what else he wrote, but believe me, it didn’t sound unsure by anyone’s interpretation!) Plus, 20 years ago there weren’t even cell phones, much less online dating, so things were much more simple then. Back then, you met first (or at least that’s how it worked with me), so uncertainty wasn’t so much of a factor. I dated a lot in high school and college before meeting my ex-husband, so I’ll just have to try and remember the ropes a little better in the future.

You’re right – I should have moved on sooner, but I liked him a lot and wanted to be sure the date was cancelled before accepting another. It is for the best any way because he is several years younger than I am which is not a good thing. By the way, I’m still going out with the man I went out with instead (it was our second date) and this weekend will be our 4th – so far, so good.

I hope my experience will be helpful to your other readers. Biggest lesson learned here – no more online pen pals!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good rule for yourself — and others like you! No more online pen pals when what you want is Mr. RIght! 🙂 Things have changed in dating in the last twenty years and online dating is prevalent, but not full proof. You have to weigh what someone says with what they do. Behavior trumps language but listen, nonetheless. Pick men who are viable, compatible options, and don’t put all your eggs in one basket in the beginning phases of any relationship! I don’t think you should “cheat”, but if you’re using an online dating site, it’s understood that you’re all playing the field until you’re not. That’s not bad manners, it’s just smart dating practice!

Good luck, and let me know if you need help on your journey!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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