[littleitaly716]

thank you April,

We did compromise about this issue… basically we agreed that there would no in person interactions or get togethers but she would be able to keep in touch via texting or phone. She respects and has said to me that she would meet up or hang out with any guys unless she told me about first and I was with it. To me that’s a big deal…and I would do the same because I do not want to give her any doubts or concerns in any way.

I guess my problem is more with me, because in the past when I had female friends /w benefits I was very honest with them about what I wanted and expected and often times after awhile the woman would want more, I wasn’t willing to provide it and the “benefits/friendship” would stop… and I was fine with it. I would move on and find someone else and in this case I feel like even though their “benefits/friendship” has stopped (because obviously she’s in a serious relationship with me) that this guy would basically move on and stop contacting her – turns out he’s not stopping. You told me yourself that she is completely naive thinking she can just be friends /w this guy, and I agree with you 100% although she DISagrees 100%. But at least I know there will not be any face to face encounters and therefore that is my “line in the sand” as you call it : )

[littleitaly716]

I’m not digging for a problem…

what I am suggesting is that there is a BIG difference between an ex… who is someone she has dated, lived with, met their family/vice versa, shared everything emotionally and intimately VS a f*uck buddy…who only sees her to get in her pants…. to me there is a difference there but apparently in your opinion their is no distinction. If you consider a f*uck buddy an ex than I respect your opinion but to me we are talking about 2 different dynamics here

[littleitaly716]

thanks for your reply April.. basically you’re saying that all couples are different and need to communicate what is acceptable and come to solutions to things they may or may agree on.

In this instance however, I have no real issues with her keeping in touch with ex’s. Personally I see no reason why she’d want to keep in touch with her ex-fiance considering he cheated on her.

When I refer to ex’s however I’m referring to guys she had real long term relationships with… in this particular scenario I’m talking about a guy nearly half her age who was strictly seeing her for one reason, and one reason only. They didn’t date or have a committed relationship, it was basically just sex. In your mind is a f*uck buddy and an ex the same thing? Because to me they’re not. They communicate via texting and it’s always him contacting her and then her responding, she never initiates. To me it almost seems like she likes the attention, likes the fact that he still contacts her. To this day she still tries to tell me they can be friends and hang out and nothing would happen at this point…but again that completely goes against what you told me when you said she’s being totally naive and all he wants to do is pick up where they left off.

From my personal experience, when I was seeing a woman strictly for the benefits (sex), and then she met someone else and started a relationship, I would back off completely because there was no point to it anymore, she didn’t need me nor want what I had to offer. I just struggle with this in my mind because to me this guy should have stopped contacting her by now and it seems like his texting frequency with her is increasing. I mention this to a few friends of mine and there first question to me is “why is she even still talking to this guy?” Wish I had the answer….

[littleitaly716]

hello,

I had a similar situation with my current g/f… when we first met she had been engaged and her fiance cheated on her. So now she was dating me, but very hesistant to call it a relationship. She did the exact same thing, would always send me sweet messages, tell her friends and family about me, had me staying over alot, would by me nice little gifts all the time… This causes alot of stress for me because I wasn’t sure where it was heading…but honestly it took her 4 months to finally say ok we are in a relationship and I’m committed to you. When people are hurt and have “baggage” the best advice I can give is ask yourself if you think this girl is worth it…is she going to make you happy short and long term?? Sounds like you are doing everything you can, over time she will trust you more and more and see that you are the kind of guy she should want to be with… so be patient and see how it plays out.

[littleitaly716]

yes this relates to a real relationship. Yes I am still with the same woman I told you about last summer, we are not living together yet however she wants me to move in this summer, I am currently saving for the engagement ring, she is aware of this and so is her family as well as mine.

Her keeping in touch with ex’s is not new behavior. This situation really involves not so much an ex, but a former friend with benefits she had right before she met me. They communicate via texting, in the past he was trying to see her in person and she wanted to see him as well but when she asked me if I was ok with it I said no I was not – (I emailed you about this guy in the past and your response was that she is naive thinking they can be friends and he just wants to pick up where they left off) So now it’s basically him texting her about everyday things, she claims he doesn’t ask her to hang out anymore and that his intentions are no longer malicious. I guess my point is if there friendship was based on sex and intimate attraction, now that is over – so why bother keeping in contact at all??? For example, I’ve had many more “friends with benefits” than she has and I am no longer in contact with any of them. Am I just being jealous or insecure??? Or like you said it’s naive to think you can just be friends with someone who was a former f*uck buddy?

[littleitaly716]

Hi April,

you gave great advice in the past so I wanted your opinion on something…

When two people are in a relationship and in love, do you think it’s ok for one of the individuals to keep in contact with ex’s or former “friends with benefits”??? Me personally, I would not keep in contact with former “friends with benefits” once I got into a serious relationship and knew it was going to last. To me that can create issues where one person may have doubts or trust issues in their spouse HOWEVER I also feel it’s silly to assume your spouse will no longer have friends of the opposite sex simply because they are now in love with you. I know every relationship is different and couples need to talk about and establish what is “acceptable” to them. So I’d love to hear your opinion on this because most peopleI talk to say there is no reason to keep in contact with a former “friend with benefits” once that ends and you become seriously involved with someone else…. what are your thoughts????

[littleitaly716]

Great…so I’m not overreacting!!! Well the good news is she did tell me about all this, and she did say she’s not going to hang out with any guys unless she tells me about first and I’m ok with it. I do think it’s possible to have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship, but this scenario simply would not work in my opinion. I’m sure he will continue to text her from time to time, but at least I know she won’t be hanging out with him since I’m not ok with it : )

Thanks April!

[littleitaly716]

Hello April,

I emailed you last summer and you gave me great advice about a girl I was dating. I’m happy to say that we are going strong and very much in love. It’s been 11 months now since we started dating and we are taking our first trip together next week to an all inclusive resort in costa rica!

I’m 32 yrs old, and my g/f is now 41. Here’s my concern. Before she and I met, she was engaged but her fiance cheated on her. After that was over, she met a much younger guy (about 23-24yr old in a club) and they were basically friends /w benefits for several months then that ended. Then later, she and I met, we dated for 4 months and then she decided she wanted to be serious w/ me and it’s been great since. Now within the last month or so, this same younger guy has been texting her trying to see her. She has told him all about me and he knows that she and I are together. He will text and invite her out to a bar, out for coffee etc. Her stance on this is she will not hang out with any guys unless she runs it by me first and I’m ok w/ it. That’s what she says.

So last week he asked her to meet up for a coffee and look at open houses (he’s in real estate and she loves real estate). She said she would text him and make plans. Soooo she tells me about this and basically I say I’m not comfortable with it, I do not think it’s a good idea for either one of us to hang out with ex’s, people we’ve dated, or former fu*k buddies when clearly they are available and still interested. So she and I got into a mildly heated discussion – she says she is not interested in him at all, and sees nothing wrong with hanging out as friends with this guy. My take on it is, and I said this, I totally believe and trust her, my issue is with him. Because he is clearly still interested in her, (he’ll text and say he misses her etc) I said if you hang out with him once, it will have a snowball effect where he will want to hang out more often, and contact you more often, and basically without knowing it, she would be leading him on…in a sense. Bottom line, I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it, and she agreed to not meet up with him. Am I TOTALLY overreacting?????? He’s 24-25 yrs old, when I was 24-25 I was dating/sleeping with women in their 40’s as well, so as a guy I tend to question his true intention. What do you think???

[littleitaly716]

Hi April,

just wanted to update you again. Apparently last week I “sealed the deal” as she says. I asked her what that means and basically it means she is very into me and committed to me now. I asked her about the boyfriend label, she said she is really scared to put that label on us because she is afraid of getting hurt. I understand that considering her ex-fiance cheated on her. So she asked me what does “sealed the deal” mean to me…I said to me it basically means we are together, (as a couple) and she totally agreed. This TOTALLY reminds me of what you said at the very beginning…I have to WIN HER OVER. Looks like I finally did it, because we are serious and she even said dating other guys is out of the question now. For now I’m very happy and so is she, I think this is the beginning of what could be a very serious long term relationship….

[littleitaly716]

thanks April, just wanted to clarify the whole seal the deal comment. When her brother’s sister introduced me as her boyfriend, my woman was actually shocked by this. I just found this out actually. So when she said to me it sounds like you have already sealed the deal, she was saying that to me in a joking manner saying according to “other people” I have “sealed the deal”. So again at this point I didn’t want you thinking she is referring to me as her b/f…

Basically she said we’ve only been dating for 4 months, and I said well people tend to like labels…what really matters is we are dating, we’re happy, we’re not seeing other people so for now that’s all that matters and she totally agreed. I still think the reason she is hesitant is because she doesn’t know for sure that I will be 100% faithful, and she knows I have not had many serious or long term relationships. This is a turn off for her for sure. She has had 4 serious long term relationships. Her rationale is well how do you know you won’t change? People in long term relationships change and then she made some reference saying that every 7 yrs people change. (whatever that means) So basically we are both enjoying what we have for now, and seeing how it plays out…. what do you think about all that?

[littleitaly716]

Adding on to my last post about our week together….

on the ride home I recall her saying a few months ago that she wasn’t sure if I was the “faithful” type. Keeping in mind that her fiance last yr cheated on her. So I asked her on the ride home, are you still unsure about me being faithful to you???

She says yea I don’t know and neither do you. You could cheat on me 5 months from now, you just don’t know. So basically to me this is the reason why she is so hesitant to claim us as a couple or call me her b/f. She is still unsure and does not trust me 100%, and I think until she does we are never going to be official. After she made that comment I reassured her for about 10min all the reasons why I’d be a complete moron to be unfaithful to her. I basically said not in so many words that she is an amazing catch, any man is lucky to have a woman like her and I’d be foolish to throw that away by being unfaithful. I ended it by saying, instead of sleeping with someone else, if anything, I’d be trying to sleep with you MORE OFTEN!!!! she loved that one!!! brought a HUGE smile to her face….

[littleitaly716]

Hi April,

just wanted to update you on my “relationship”. So I just got home yesterday from spending 5 days with her in her hometown. It went very well, especially the time we spent alone at her family cottage. She was VERY affectionate with me, more so than I’ve ever seen her. Lots of hugs, kisses you name it. We layed out in the sun, we took a sauna together, we watched the sunset at the lake, cooked meals together, she took out one of her cosmo magazines and we played a few “relationship” games where you roll dice and answer questions regarding your relationship. Questions like when did you know you were into me, what are 3 words to describe our relationship, (she chose thoughtful, intense and familiar) describe your perfect sunday with me etc…it was great she loved it….
Met most of her family and friends, and I feel it went well, even though in her mind, her opinion of me is the only one that matters. So basically even if they don’t like me, it’s irrelevant in her mind. At least that’s what she told me. One awkward moment over dinner did happen. When she introduced me to anyone, she said “this is Frank”. Didn’t say this is my friend, boyfriend..nothing like that. So over dinner with her family, her brothers girlfriend stands up to introduce me to someone and she says this is (blank)’s boyfriend. So even members of her own family that have never met me perceive me as her b/f LOL And later on, my girl says to me did you catch that? what she called you? I acted like I didn’t… and she says sounds like you have already sealed the deal……

One other thing I’m noticing with her, lately she is taking an interest in things she doesn’t like at all because she is realizing they mean alot to me. For example, she hates cats and I adopted a stray years ago… and everytime she comes over she is more and more friendly with the cat and trying to get him to “accept” her basically. He’s typically not friendly to people he doesn’t know.The other is she hates football but now she knows it’s my favorite sport. So the other days she says I want you to teach me about football and maybe even take her to a game. Only reason I mention this is because I know that when a woman has strong feelings for a man, she will act interested in things he likes even if they do not interest her at all… so this friday she is meeting my sisters and they are very excited about it and so is she….. if you have any feedback, I’d love to hear it.

[littleitaly716]

You are 100% right I do overthink things – it’s a flaw I am trying to improve upon. To be honest with you April, she has the qualities i’m looking for in a woman for a relationship. I could see myself falling for her….eventually. She’s down to earth, health conscious, very thoughtful, affectionate, intelligent, ambitious, we have great sexual chemistry … among many others. She does little things for me that I’m not used to …. few months ago I was on a strict diet for a bodybuilding contest and she would cook for me everytime I went to her house, and she would go so far as to make sure I was eating the right foods in the right amounts lol I didn’t ask her to do that… she just did it for me because she wanted to. She buys me little gifts and thoughtful surprises all the time. She’s very established in her career, independent, financially secure, she has ALOT to offer to the right man regarding a relationship. I get the sense that she is faithful, loyal and honest especially if she is in a relationship.

One little funny story for you…. I work part time as a waiter for xtra $$$$ 1-2 nights/wk so I brought her there for dinner one night. It’s a classy place, good wine good food. The next day one of the other waiters asked if that was my g/f? So I told her about that and she said how did you respond? I said I told him your application is still pending, but looking good. She laughed and said your application is on the UP and UP.

so yes I’m going to continue to see her and basically let this “relationship” play itself out, it has only been about 3 and 1/2 months of actual “dating”. Like you said she’s still trying to figure out if I have long term potential, my problem is I already know she has it… so it’s really up to her.

[littleitaly716]

you’re right I absolutely judge behavior more than actions. I was with her last night at her place and she told me there really is very few “quality” men in her area, and then she made a comment regarding online dating basically saying the men in her area are poor quality there also. lol

She’s hedging her bets? basically meaning keeping her options open? So basically do you think the only reason she is dating me now is because she hasn’t found anyone better YET, and as soon as she does..I’m history??? She text me at work today and said she wants both of us to start saving money now to go on a cruise together next yr…. well I guess when she finds someone better I’ll be doing something else with my money lol I know I know, the cruise topic is just TALK….

I am judging her actions, and she invited me to go to the family cottage and meet her family, so we leave Wed, and I will have to update you on how that goes! She’s on her way over now…taking her jetskiing 😉

[littleitaly716]

its not that I dont like your answer, I was just confused about conflicting statements vs what she is actually doing. If you judge her by her actions with me, plus the fact that she tells me she is not dating anyone else or looking to date anyone else, you’d conclude that she would NOT be active on a dating site. I’m the one that made the mistake of deleting my online dating profile 2 months ago. I should have kept it active until I knew for sure she wanted to be serious. Like you said, dating is a numbers game, and that might be exactly what she is doing right now with me being #1 on her depth chart – FOR NOW lol. You say it’s fair for her to keep her options open…welllllllll when she told me a few months ago she didn’t want anything serious but at the same time didn’t want me dating other women … does that sound fair?????

No one is perfect and one of my flaws is I tend to overthink and overanalyze peoples actions or words, especially women. When I’m into a girl and want to be with her, I let her know with my words and my actions. Maybe that’s a mistake but it’s too late to correct that now. So my mindset with her profile still active on match.com is to not worry about it until there is something to worry about ( Ex.. her behavior changes, contacting me less, too busy to see me all of a sudden) and basically just be myself and go with the flow. I like your answers…I need female unbiased perspective!!!! : )

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