wife has crush on other guy.

You need to tell your wife that your marriage is at a crossroads, and unless the two of you are able to repair it, it will fail and end in divorce. She needs to understand that you are at the end of your rope but that your first choice by a long shot is to make things work with her and to honor your marriage.

The trick is to let her know the severity of the situation without putting her on the defense. The ideal is to have the two of you roll up your sleeves and try to work this out, but that’s easier said than done.

First, tell your wife how sorry you are that your looking at porn upset her. The last thing you ever wanted to do was to upset her. Then try and help her understand that this wasn’t something you are chronically addicted to. You’re not a porn addict. You just were looking at some pictures of naked women. It didn’t change your feelings about her. You just like naked women and you didn’t mean to hurt her. You can try and make amends or tell her how you have — I don’t know if you’ve sworn off porn, or if you’re willing to do so, but something like that might help her feel like she’s won something in what she sees as a loss of power in the marriage. She might have felt rejected because you were looking at other women and not her. See if you can get her to talk about how the porn made her feel because my guess is she is very, very hurt.

Then gently explain to her that sex is important to you as a man and she is the one you desire. You’ve missed her sexually, and you would do anything to get your sex life with her back. See what she says. Let her make the suggestions. Tell her how desirable you find her, and what you miss most about the sex the two of you used to have. The idea here is to make her feel sexual with you. You’re going to have to weave in some seduction with your honesty because she has been so angry, she hasn’t been able to feel sexual. For many women, sex starts in the brain, not the body, and if she feels hurt, angry and rejected, feeling sexual is going to be difficult. Patience coupled with seduction and respect are your friends right now.

If she is unwilling to have sex with you and says that she wants to stay married but not have sex with you, then you have to tell her that you will file for a divorce if that’s her final answer. This is the time when you tell her that as much as you honor and love her, you’re a vital man who has sexual needs, and you’re not interested in cheating, so if she can’t find a way to meet you halfway in the bedroom, the marriage is over. You are going to want joint custody of the children because you want to share in raising them, and you may re-marry and give them a stepmother who will love them, too, in their second home. This will and should startle her, because while she thinks she has control over your marriage now, she will lose all control over the marriage, the child-rearing and your family, in a divorce. It would be wiser for her to find a way to cut a deal with her that makes her feel better about you, the marriage, and herself (because that’s what this is really about), and to get your marriage back on track sexually.

And by the way — one tool that might help you both is my book, Romantic Date Ideas, that will help you spice things up in the relationship and the bedroom. You can get it by clicking on the link above for Dating Advice Books, then scrolling down until you get to Romantic Date Ideas.