EX FIANCE IS GIVING ME MIXED MESSAGES

Hello.

[color=#0000FF]I had been in a very serious relationship for 2 years in which I proposed marriage to my girlfriend and we became engaged. I moved in with her even before the engagement and grew quite attached to her two children from her previous marriage, For her I was the first man she really felt a true connection. I had never had children before so it took a little acclamating to the new arrangement of not only being in a commited relationship but also accepting her two boys as part of the Deal. I gave them more love than their biological father ever had. I got along with them though at times as anyone would with kids they could test your patience. We both had trust issues from our past marriages. We both had been in marriages were we were cheated on which resulted in devasting divorces. For the two of us it had been almost 10 years since our past marriages ended so we were not exactly in the rebound. We both discovered a love that we had never known in any other past relationship from both dating and being in a marriage. Problems arose due to trust issues. She still had some unresolved issues with trust that she often became very suspicious of me possibly having the desire to cheat on her. I realized that she exhibited some common traits that pointed to her insecurities. Often times she would be overly needy, controlling and suspicious of my motives even though I tried to clearly communicate and reasurre her that she was the only one for me and that I loved her like I had loved no other.

I would at times get frustrated as it seemed I had to constantly defend myself against her own personal fears. I grew angry at times and lashed out my anger on her because I felt she often pushed me in a corner by constantly badgering me about things that bothered her that were essentially an overreaction to something on her part. I tried very hard to accomidate her feelings and try to understand her perspective; however, I felt as though it was not always just me. She was a contributer to the arguments. I sought out personal couseling in order to attempt to become better skilled at controlling the way I reacted to situations that could potentially become volitile. She did not as she was in denial of her own issues that needed addressed as well for us to resolve conflicts without anger,drama and critisism. I wish to point out we were very a like in the fact we both tended to over react to things and both got overly dramatic with eachother in trying to resolve any issue that might arise.

Here you are dealing with two stubborn people yet they both attempt to try to understand each others feelings for what they are yet still put up defenses when approached in conflict. Ultimately the anger got the best of me and my outbursts began to traumatize her emotionally. I felt horrible that I allowed myself to become verbally abuse in these situations so I moved out one day after a horrible weekend of venting on her my anger about her getting on my case about things and overreacting to situations that were really not valid for such anger or resentment on her part nor mine. After, I moved out I took full accoutability for everything I did in the relationship that might have caused her distress. I began actively seeking attention for my anger issues. She in turn could not let go of the past anger she felt towards me for all the things I did that made her feel insecure and unappreciated. Through couseling I was able to be more aware of the actions I took and learned better coping mechanisms. I apologized for everything I may or may not have contributed to throughout the course of our engagement. I took responsibility for no longer putting some of the blame for my outbursts on her.

Here is where the problem lead to our breakup. I was willing to take accoutability for all that I had done to perhaps lead to her insecurities about me as well work on ways I could improve myself for the good of my own happiness as well to be a better partner. At this time even though she claimed she might have played a role in allowing our conflicts to grow volitile she was unaware that she too had some issues that would best be handled by a professional counseler so we could work out our indifferences in a healthier manner.

I later discovered that she had been talking to a man she had met a long time ago that was in a unhealthy commited relationship. She became friends with him and they both shared their stories. In turn she was using this man as a shoulder to cry on and vise versa. Its not hard to figure out what happens next?

She ends up getting the courage to break it off comepletely with me as she says she just needs some space but in reality she had got an ego boost from this man whom was in need of an ego boost himself.

She was still in denial. Its been a couple months since she has been in contact with this man and just a little over a month since she broke it off with me for good. Since that time the two of them have started dating..have become intimate and are continuing to see each other without a clear perspective of what their relationship is?

After about 3 weeks of no contact she begins to call me and I am not over her but remain calm as she talks about her new relationship. As the days go by she becomes more comfortable with talking to me and expresses that even though she is in this relationship with another man and she has moved on..She still has feelings for me..misses me..loves me deeply however, she claims she can not go back with me because it would not be fair to the guy she has started dating and she is unsure to whether it would be healthy for a reconciliation.

Here is the conflict. She appears to be torn between trying to be genuine with this new man yet she tries but can not deny she still wishes things could have worked out between us. She has been keeping her contact by phone and text a secret from him yet she maintains she must be genuine and not date me too right now as it would not be right to do that to him. She outlined that the rules are..I can contact her via E-mail and she will respond. I am not allowed to contact her via txt message or call because, the obvious…She doesn’t want him to find out we are communicating! This is both laughable and sad. I have now become her safety net! A couple days ago she called and was crying hysterically asking me to come pick her up at her house as she was almost sure he had lied to her and was not out of town as she had believed and was with another girl. ….DRAMA!

Ok, So I go rescue her and when she gets in the car she remarks that she did finally hear from him and he is indeed out of town as he said. Thus. she is temporaily reasurred that he is being true to her. Can we see a parallel here?

Now, I am the guy who she is confiding in about trying to make sense of where her relationship stands with this guy. She tells me both the good and the bad about him as if I am her best friend..But wait! I was always her best friend in our relationship so it is not to far off for her to be at ease now talking to me about her new guy.

She askes me questions like I am her counseler and since I know her well and I am a man I must know how other mens minds work?
Good Grief! So, she is one minute telling me how wonderful he is and how he is the comeplete opposite of me how much more attentive he is than I was. How much money he has and then in the next minute telling me how he doesn’t compliment her enough nor express his feelings as expressively as I do.

So the enter the mixed messages! I am hearing that she is “in the moment”. She proclaims to be only just dating him and does not know where it will go. She tells me he gives her mixed messages towards where their relationship is or is going yet is showing in actions that her is very interested in a exclusive relationship. When I refer to him as her new man..She replies that he is NOT her new man but more so someone she is just in the moment with though has feelings for and does not know where it will lead?

Meanwhile, She calls whenever she is not with him or if they have some sort of misunderstanding of sorts. She inquires to whether I am seeing anyone for which I am not. I still am in love with her and wish that I could get back with her; however, I am not going to punish myself emotionally by hoping it will happen magically as if it is God’s will it may happen?

We all have free choice. I am confused at how Ishould really be playing this from my perspective. I know that she cares about me though I am really confused at why she would continue with him if she really misses me?

Why, start another thing and be unsure when you have a history with someone you know was viable enough to consider marriage?

If I was to assume anything it would be that she is reluctant to jump back into our relationship because maybe in her mind there is something better out there for her? She might be testing the waters? She one day said she would like to date me again and the next day told me it would be not ethical or go against her morals as she is trying to be “GENUINE” and true to another man. Isn’t this a contradiction if she is secretly talking to me..yet in her mind she believes she is not crossing any boundries if she stays true to him by not seeing me?

Whats the deal here? Am, I missing something??? I don’t consider myself to be too disallusioned that I am unable to see that she is mixed up in some way and that I am not at fault. She has told me countless times of what a good man I am and regards that i have integrity. I already know this. I am maybe too nice here? Am I being a sucker for this girl?

Another thing is I am very expressive of my feelings and have told her I still love her and wish that someday we could be together again. I wonder if what I am telling her is just enough for her to feed her ego while she maintains another relationship with this other man?

I really need some good advice here with the objective of whether, I should continue to be there for her or fade way out of the picture? I am still holding on because I am hoping she will come back to me and see that I have made big changes through all the behavioral modification I have gone through in the last three months to be more secure with myself.

I also need to see some changes in her…I need to be convinced she is just not using me know but that she deep down wants me and me alone!

I have many more details about the conversations we have been having though I have basically laid out the scenerio.

I really love this girl with all of my heart. I just need to try and understand if it is at all salvagable and what steps I need to make in order to achieve that goal. Is it realistic? This to me seems to be very strange yet I am wishing to seek advice because I question what her motives are at this point?

Thanks for listening![/color]