Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

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BOUNDARIES WITH EX

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  • December 3, 2009 at 1:04 pm #1645
    relationshipa1
    Keymaster

    My current relationship is relatively new, but is accelerated and deep. The two of us have been very thoughtful about the kind of relationship we want and thus far we have been super compatible, loving, and mostly reciprocal. All has been healthy and excellent save for one thing. We are co-habitating, we share our lives on every level (friends, family, work events, social events), we have similar goals for the future. He has discussed wedding rings and children and has made some very concrete plans for the near future. He is the catalyst driving this relationship to a deeper place. The hypocrisy is, he hasn’t completely severed his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. He has homes on both coasts where she keeps her things (in both houses). When he initially asked me to move in with him, I ignored her belongings, but before too long asked that he finalize this past relationship. I too have an ex, where we co-habitated, and our break up was more recent than his, but I made a clean break. In his case, there are no clear boundaries. He says the difference is that my ex was a jerk and he is a nice guy who wants to maintain a friendship with his ex. They did not break up with a specific motive, so my response is, one needs distance and boundaries before one can simply “be friends” with an ex, especially when the motivation for break up is nebulous. She free lances for him still, she keeps her things at his place, she refuses to move her things when he has asked her to, as she provides excuses instead of solutions. After my insistence, he asked her to remove her things; he arranged for her things to be temporarily stored for pick up from the first home, but she claims she cannot manage to attend to the things in the second home. It is not a question of monetary constraint, but because she will be traveling soon. I asked that she arrange something before she travels, but she is unimaginative and unwilling – she claimed she couldn’t for the next couple of months due to other obligations. I offered fair alternative ways to handle the situation (she could arrange for a small storage unit and he could ship her things there) and he said he didn’t feel comfortable asking that of her because she had called him in tears, crying because he was treating her so terribly. I feel she is emotionally manipulating him. He is doing her a favor, she is long overdue in responding, and there are a number of ways for her to deal with this. She chooses not to deal with this because she still wants to stake her territory or feels entitled about her position. He doesn’t see the conflict between making grandiose proposals to me while not closing the door on this other relationship. Am I being too territorial or is he not appropriately drawing boundaries? Am I being too reactionary by saying his loyalties cannot lie with two women when he wants to take our relationship to another level? Is it wrong for him to make such propositions while still coddling his ex? Or am I being too territorial?

    December 4, 2009 at 1:10 pm #11090
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    You’re not being too territorial or overreacting. Your live in boyfriend is maintaining his “friendship” with his ex-girlfriend by keeping her belongings in both of his homes, even though he’s living with you, and discussing a future with you. Your mistake was not to nip this problem in the bud, the moment you saw his ex-girlfriend’s belongings in his home when you moved in. One of the most important factors in any relationship is making sure that both parties are actually available. If your live in boyfriend is still committed to his ex-girlfriend, he’s not as available as you’d like him to be, and this presence of his e-girlfriend in your home is going to get worse if not taken care of now.

    What I would caution you from doing is getting involved with his ex-girlfriend and validating any kind of threesome. The problem you have is with your boyfriend and only with your boyfriend. So leave the ex out of it.

    The attitude you need to keep is important, as you implement the actions I’m going to describe below. What you want to avoid if possible is an ultimatum. Your tone should say, “I’m so glad you want a future with me — now to assure that, let’s make our home together about just you and me!” Keep it upbeat, about you and your boyfriend only, and leave out any fighting points like comparing your ex-boyfriend to his ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t really matter if your boyfriend says your ex-boyfriend is a jerk or an angel. The bottom line is that your ex-boyfriend is out of both of your lives. And likewise, it doesn’t matter if his ex-girlfriend is a jerk or a saint, the bottom line is that she still has her stuff in your lives. So keep it about facts, not feelings.

    Then explain how you’d like to make the new home you’re living in together, really “yours” and it’s hard to do that with remnants of his ex around the house. Keep the focus on your future together, and not on extricating the ex’s stuff. You see, if you can keep his focus on the positive, wonderful future you’re building together, it’s less on limiting him and kicking his ex out of the picture.

    Avoid talking about the ex-girlfriend and her feelings. If he brings up the ex-girlfriend’s tears, etc. Avoid that topic. Focus on your feelings, and tell him how much happier you would be to have your home, which is really your place of sanctity and intimacy, only about the two of you!

    So while you’re keeping the tone positive….

    The first thing I’d suggest you do is box up the ex-girlfriend’s things — neatly! 😉 Tell your boyfriend what you’re doing or what you’ve done.

    Put the boxes in the garage, the yard, or some place that’s close to the door! If her things in boxes become a physical eyesore, all the better. It makes the problem of getting rid of the stuff — before the holidays — more of an issue.

    Get addresses, price quotes from UPS and Fed Ex, and label the boxes so they’re ready to be shipped out. One possible destination is the ex-girlfriend’s house. One is her parent’s home. (You can figure out the other places that you can get rid of her stuff.) Then, tell your boyfriend that you’d like him to ship the things by a particular date.

    If after all this, he’s still choosing to put her feelings above yours, then you’ve got to realize you’ve got a boyfriend who isn’t interested in letting his ex go, completely, even though you’re the one he SAYS he wants a future with. Actions speak louder than words, and you’ll have to make a tough decision if he wants her in his life, too. Frankly, if that’s the case, you can do better. But for now, communicate clearly with him that your needs are that the stuff goes.

    I hope that helps!

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