April Masini › Relationship Advice Forum › Relationship Advice Forum › Dating advice for a beginner?
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April Masini.
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December 7, 2015 at 4:11 am #7128
BubblesPink
ParticipantSo let me preface this by saying that I’m a 22 year old girl, and I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’ve never been on a date. I’ve never been too bothered about this before, but since my birthday this summer it’s really started to make me feel bad about myself. When all my friends and coworkers start talking about their boyfriends or guys they’ve dated I try to avoid the conversation, because if I get asked I have to try and figure out a way to not let them know that I’m a virgin who has never had any sort of romantic interaction with a guy. I’ve known of a few guys who were interested, but it didn’t work out. Also, right now I’m currently completing an internship with Disney, I work in one of the larger merchandise locations on property and I’m here until January, which kind of factors into my issues. Anyway, right now I have two dating questions, which is a surprise for me haha:
The first one is about this guy I matched with on tinder. I downloaded the app because a girl I work with met her boyfriend on the app, so I thought, why not give it a shot. I had been using it about a week when I matched with this guy, we’ll call him Sam. He sent me a message a couple hours after we matched, just saying “Good morning (: how’re you” I replied the next day and we started talking a little bit. I found out he was visiting on vacation from England and was flying home the next day. We’ve been messaging on and off for about 5 days now, not really about anything substantial, and I don’t know what’s going to come out of this. It’s so hard to tell what’s flirting and what’s not through messages, in the beginning it seemed like he was flirting but now it doesn’t seem like he is as much, but I’m not sure. Also, unless he’s busy he always replies within 10 minutes of me sending him a message, sometimes even quicker. He’s said multiple times how he wishes he could have seen me when he was here, and how if I had only matched with him earlier we could’ve met up. I told him I wanted to visit England and he said he would love to give me a tour. In one of my first messages I told him I was wary of using tinder because of it’s reputation for hookups, so I figured that would imply I wasn’t looking for one. Should I just keep messaging him and see how it goes? He hasn’t hinted at taking it off tinder or anything, and I know it’s only been a week but I’m so confused. Does he just see me as someone to message when he’s bored, or is he interested in any capacity? We live thousands of miles apart though, and I’m not sure what could come of this.
The second question is about a fellow Disney employee. I was working by myself at one of the registers in a corner of the store that isn’t usually too busy. This guy, we’ll call him Matt, walked up to my register and he was just staring at me. Not in a creepy kind of way, but just smiling and staring at me as if he was so happy. I was making small talk with him, and he was telling me how he had really been wanting to buy this shirt and he had finally been able to come get it and he was happy we weren’t sold out. I told him about a shirt I had wanted so I hid it and he just seemed so interested. During this entire time he was just staring at me, and when I would look up we would make eye contact and he wouldn’t look away, he just kept smiling. At this point I didn’t know he worked for Disney, but when I asked him if he had any discounts he gave me his company id and his credit card, I checked the name on both to make sure they matched, and I asked him where he worked. He told me he was an engineer at one of the parks and worked behind the scenes, he asked me if I knew where one of the buildings was and I said yes, and he said that was where he worked. I rang up his purchase and then we were both standing there, he seemed like he wanted to talk some more, but there was a line so he told me to have a good evening and left.
I just felt like he wanted to ask me for my number or wanted to talk more or something, but was too shy or didn’t know how. I remembered his name, so when I got home I looked him up and found him on Facebook. But I don’t know what to do, we didn’t introduce ourselves so the only reason I know his name is because I looked at his ID, and I don’t want to seem like a crazy girl and add him for no reason. I mean I’ve never really had too many guys interested in me, so I’m not sure if I’m just making this all up in my head. The only possible way for me to see him again is for him to come to my work location when I’m working, or to ask someone there about me, because it’s impossible for me to go to where he works since it’s restricted. But I just felt something with Matt, and I’m not sure if I should just let it go and let fate decide or if I should add him on Facebook and risk seeming stalkerish. My only other option would be to send him a recognition through the employee database, if his manager gives it to him then it’ll have my name on it. But this way I wouldn’t be able to say anything in the message that wasn’t a valid reason for recognizing him, so he might not even know who I am. And since he probably has limited interaction with people outside of his work I don’t know if his manager will even show it to him.
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to make sure I put all the details in. Any advice?
December 7, 2015 at 12:48 pm #31325April Masini
KeymasterThese are all good questions, and I’m glad you told me that you haven’t started dating yet because that’s important. Here’s my advice: * Tinder isn’t what you should be using. It’s a hook up app, and it’s not intended for people wanting long-term relationships. It’s easy to use and easy to get quick results because it’s understood to be a short term relationship product. Most people on there keep this in mind. I know you went to this app because your friends seem to like it, and it’s quick and easy, but since you’re new to dating, it’s probably better if you look for like-minded dates. I don’t get the impression that you’re looking for a hook up, so don’t give others that impression if that isn’t what you truly intend.
* Stay focused on what you want. I know you feel a little panicked and ashamed because you don’t have any dating experience, but panic and shame aren’t going to steer you into the right direction. If you want a dating relationship that is monogamous and long-term, then you should look to people who are geographically compatible. An intercontinental relationship with this guy in London isn’t a great idea given your ages and finances.
😉 Look for someone closer to home with whom you can have coffee, a Friday night movie date and other fun experiences that 22 year olds should be enjoying.😀 * Lose the panic and shame. There’s nothing abnormal about being 22 without dating experience. Everybody starts somewhere, and you’re completely in the range of normal. Relax. Tell the truth. People may want to fix you up with a nice guy if they know you’re interested in starting to date. And knowing you’re new to dating may influence their choices in introducing you to certain guys, so be open and honest, and you’ll get open and honest back.
🙂 * I like this guy Matt as someone you can practice flirting with.
🙂 I don’t think you should just add him to social media yet since you don’t know him very well, and I don’t think that you should send an interoffice email. But I do think you should take a walk by his building around lunch time, just to see if you bump into him, and if you do, say hello and practice small talk, smiling, complimenting him — and the other basic arts of flirting with him to give him something to chase after.Hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.
😀 December 7, 2015 at 3:49 pm #31329BubblesPink
ParticipantThank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it and am going to take it all to heart. You’re right about Tinder, the people I meet on there are not going to be the kinds of people I want to date. You were correct in assuming I wasn’t looking for a hook up, so I need to meet people who have the same views and values as me, and that doesn’t include Tinder. Dating a guy who lives in another country across the ocean isn’t the best idea either. That’s why I was so confused as to why he keeps messaging me, if we both live in different countries what does he expect to happen? But I also don’t want my first relationship to be long distance, and with a guy I’ve never met, so I don’t think it’ll work out between us. Thank you!
Thank you for the kind words, I know that I shouldn’t feel ashamed about my lack of experience. I’m going to stop focusing so much on what I don’t have and try to let myself be honest with people. It’s just expected in our society that everyone should have some sort of past great love by the time they reach a certain age, which makes those of us who haven’t experienced that to feel a little left out.
That was my fear, adding him on Facebook or sending him an email when we don’t even really know each other. The problem is that I can’t really walk around his building at all, because it’s in a restricted location that only those who work in the building have access to, which doesn’t give me much of a chance to meet him. I might be able to hangout around the area, but I won’t be able to tell when he leaves or arrives as the building is in a backstage area I can’t reach.
December 7, 2015 at 4:58 pm #31333April Masini
KeymasterYou have a really great attitude, and I think that when you’re older you’ll see that not everyone has a great love by age 22. Some people don’t have that great love until 50 or even, ever. So don’t sell yourself short. You’re fine just the way you are. And as for this guy, Matt, let it go. If you see him again, flirt with him. If you don’t, my advice for meeting men to date is to smile at 20 new guys every day. Make small talk whenever someone is attractive — “Is that a latte, or a macchiato?” “I love your shirt — where did you get it, my brother would love one just like it!” “What kind of dog is that?” — are all simple ways to get the conversation going. You’re going to be fine. Just stay focused on what you want and who you are. Don’t sell yourself short, and don’t sell yourself to be someone you’re not (like a Tinder hookup). 😉 December 17, 2015 at 3:11 am #31438ealltech
ParticipantTinder isn’t what you should be using. It’s a , and it’s not intended for people wanting long-term relationships. It’s easy to use and easy to get quick results because it’s understood to be a short term relationship product. Most people on there keep this in mind. I know you went to this app because your friends seem to like it, and it’s quick and easy, but since you’re new to dating, it’s probably better if you look for like-minded dates. I don’t get the impression that you’re looking for a hook up, so don’t give others that impression if that isn’t what you truly intend. All right![url=http://www.wthr.com/story/30510160/passfeed-hookup-app-gives-you-types-of-hookup-girls]hook up app[/url] January 12, 2016 at 7:15 pm #31616April Masini
KeymasterYou’re right — Tinder is a hook up app and lots of people don’t realize it, or think they’re immune to the hook up aspect of it. -
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