Hi April,
I will try and cut a long story short.
I met a man at work a year ago and I really liked him- more than a crush. After 6 months he asked me out but I was so overwhelmed that I was very nervous on the date and didn’t send out the right vibes. We exchanged texts after where I was more clear (and so was he) but nothing ever happened between us. Now after this he was becoming increasingly snappy with me, trying to provoke reactions out of me and often giving me the silent treatment. Friends etc said that he maybe felt rejected as I did not show much interest on the date and didn’t initiate anything afterward. I feel he should have made it happen if that’s what he wanted?
Anyway this has been going on now for 6 months but the last couple of weeks he has been much more attentive and I thought maybe we had a chance again. But he goes from one extreme to the other. Just to give an example; there is a chance he may get a job in his home country (where I have been on holiday and said I loved it) and when he told me about this, he asked me when I was going to learn the language (7 times!), that I need to start soon as its a hard language and I don’t need to drive as I can live near the work. Now I do not know anyone in this country and he was telling this to me as if I was expected to go with him. He did not offer anything to me (relationship wise) but it seems very odd for a work colleague to expect this of another work colleague. But on the weekend he invited me and another girl at work to an event and he just about said hello to us and disappeared, which we thought was rude. Today the same girl asked him if I was going to the work dinner tonight and he didn’t even answer her. Again last week another colleague asked him if maybe I would like to go to a match with them and he ignored that he asked the question. Just a note to say that he usually would give me the silent treatment after doing these things but now he is acting very friendly instead- but always when we are by ourselves, i.e after ignoring the girls question I walked by him in the corridor and he was smiling and trying to make me laugh..

So do you know what this behavior means?

Now the parallel story is that 2 weeks ago a new man started and he clearly liked me, asked me out, I went. It was very nice, he was nice. But that’s it-nice. I do not have a strong feeling towards him compared to the other one. But I know that if the first one had not been there then this would be enough for me to peruse as he ticks all the right boxes. The new man has told me how much he enjoyed himself and has emailed me saying I am beautiful and make him feel good. This to most girls would be great, but it scared the hell out of me.

I think that considering I do not know what the first man feels or wants, it would be a good idea for me to see other men. This is why I agreed to go on the date. But now that I did it and he is wanting another date and sending me such emails I would like to back off a bit- it is too much for what I would want as something more casual. How do I go about doing this? Bearing in mind I work with both of them!

The summary is that I feel very strongly for the first man and would love something to happen between us and I do not feel strongly for the other man. BUT the first man is not clear about his feelings or what his actions mean. The second man is clear and attentive etc just not what I want.

If you could help me decipher what the first man’s behavior means and how I should approach the second man (either to get him to back off or for me to relax and go with it) I would REALLY appreciate it!!!

Obviously there is tonnes I have left out and hope I have given you the important bits to work with.

Thanks in advance!