[lotsofquestions]

I’ve been seeing a great guy for almost a year and we get along wonderfully. He is almost perfect in every way and I love being with him. He’s even brought up getting married. Due to some financial circumstances, his adult daughter, her husband and three children have recently moved back home. He enjoys all the time he gets with his grandchildren and I also get along well with all of them. However, there is no longer any privacy in his home. They have completely taken over the house and we are no longer able to relax in the common areas or even eat in the dining room. My boyfriend has installed a TV in his room and that’s where we go now to watch a movie, etc. He does come to stay at my house but I have teenagers so he only does overnights when they are with their father. I feel a bit hypocritical because there isn’t much privacy in my home either but I feel like adult children are a bit different from kids still in school. His daughter has mentioned that she loves her dad’s house so much she’ll likely never leave. I am wondering what this means for the future of our relationship and I am rethinking it because of this issue. When I bring it up to my boyfriend, he chuckles and says it’s good for “the kids” and he’s enjoying the time with them. I’ve always been self-supporting so I don’t understand it from a financial perspective either. I wouldn’t be able to marry him and move in together under these circumstances. Should I just ride it out and see what happens or should I think about leaving him?

[AskApril Masini]

You have excellent instincts. Your minor children living with you in a shared custody set up are not the same thing as his adult child and her husband and kids living with him. He’s got a life style that is incompatible with what you want, and frankly, step-children and adult step-children can be the same relationship impediments that mothers-in-law have been known to be. Your boyfriend’s relationship with his adult daughter needs to be secondary to his relationship with a significant other who may become his wife if he wants that latter relationship to work. I don’t think your boyfriend is ready or interested in that, and I think that as disappointing as that is, it’s better for you to move on and find someone with a compatible lifestyle, shared values, and shared goals. He’s probably great, but this is a deal breaker. You can love him, but I don’t think you can live with him.

[Member]

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