[KRISTENROSE]

My name is Kristen and my boyfriends name is James. James (46 years old) has a 21 year old daughter, Courtney, Me- Kristen ( 26 yrs. old) have a 5 year old son, Cayden. Im going to try and make this short. James and I have been togther over 2 years now however for about 4 months we were seperated. We use to live with each other until we broke up for those 4 months and havent lived together since. We got back together but until my son finished school we decided its best to stay not living together. So when school is out in 4 weeks we are moving everything back in. James and I have been great however I am starting to have a problem that upsets me and I need to know if I am in the wrong or where is my place when it comes to his daughter?

Courtney went to Hair College one year course took two, her dad paid for it as well as a house to live in Athens. He also paid for her Range Rover for her plus insurance, weekly allowance,cell phone,etc. as a parent should while their child is in school. Well she finished school and moved back in with James. She hasnt taken her state test for her license yet but says she doesnt really want to do hair anymore. Remind you she has never worked a day in her life, So James introduced her a his friend who owns her own company doing hair and makeup and Courtney has done several little jobs here and there with her and hopefully will start to pick up. Well James took her Range Rover back from her for him to drive and put her in a 2013 Mercedes car that was leased well 3 months later she wrecked it and it was totaled. So currently she does not have a car, well everyday James stresses out about it and so I hate that so I have tried to help find her a car that meets her expectations ( nice suv’s with all the bells and whistles but on a small budget) so many days I sat around online finding cars, calling dealerships sending James the info and options for her. He has gone to dealerships as well to look. Its becoming frustrating because I ask what is Courtney doing oh she is with her boyfriend or whatever. She hasnt looked nor help on finding her a car so I figured if she doesnt care then I shouldnt waste my time and care. I one point my boyfriend and I got into a small little fight about it and since I have stayed out of it. Well she gets $500 a month for allowance and then whatever she works she has that as well. The other day she calls Daddy and tells him she needs to buy a makeup/tanning kit and its $300 + and she needs it by the weekend. So James told her ok he will pay for it as long as she does my hair extenstions free ( I was in a car accident and they shaved all my hair so Im almost ready to have hair extentions 😉 )so James and her mom went in on half for the kit. To make a better understanding, James is going through a financial hardship and is getting back on his feet but slowly and is just really stressed out with money. Everyday he tells me babe Im so stressed, etc… and quick note he gives me $120 a week for allowance ( gas money because Ive been driving the Range Rover, things that my son needs, etc.. and there have been times Ive called and asked him for a little more money. Which I know is wrong and I dont like asking for more money. I go to thrift stores and buy things for our house, summer clothes for James, me , my son etc….So back to the problem. James call me today and says hey Friday I need you to come to the house asap after you get cayden from school because Courtney needs the car to take to Athens because she has work on Saturday. So I just say ok and end it. I am so heated now because Courtney has been so stuck up her boyfriemds butt in Athens every week and now that he is going out of town the weekend oh now she needs a car. Well I feel if she would have helped her father and I try to buy her a car she couldve been there but she wasnt. So now that she needs one, its Daddy I need your only car. So that leaves me, my 5 year old and James who is in that service van all day 6 days a week that vehicle for the weekend.It frustrates me because her mom NEVER help financially and she has her car but her boyfriends car that she bought with him that between the two of there cars Courtney could drive one of theres instead of leaving us the service van. I dont have a car because my car accident and it was totalted and have a lawsuit pending. But anyway, the principle is James I feel doesnt want to make COurtney upset or mad and tries to give her whatever she wants when she wants it and right now its just not able to happen.She has no drive or ambition to do anything unless someone finds her the work.

When it comes to my son, James is fully involved and disciplines him, has to ask permission for certain things from him, me and james have to agree together on things when it comes to Cayden. I allow James to have full allowance on parenting my son. Anything to do with Cayden , James and I have to consult first about it. JAMES HAS A SAY SO IN CAYDENS LIFE.

MY QUESTION IS… WHEN DO OR WILL I EVER HAVE SAY SO WHEN IT COMES TO COURTNEY? I feel if James can have a say so about anything with my son then I should have a say so on what goes on with his daughter to an extent.i love her and right now we have a great relationship together but thats because I hold back. I just want her to learn what its like in reality and make her earn for things so she will feel proud and take care of things and feel an accommplishment. I love her father and we have already picked out a ring and its going to happen so I feel I should have some what of a say so right now but more so when we are married most definitely. Maybe I am wrong and if that is the case then I can accept it and never argue about anything agian or if I cant then move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you may not realize is that this problem is the tip of the iceberg. 😳 Second marriages are a lot more difficult than first marriages when there are children involved — even adult children — because there are so many different family dynamics going on. And when second marriages — or relationships with single parents — fail, it’s usually because of the family dynamics. That said, this can work — but only if you’re willing to do the work. It’s going to be hard work…..So, here’s my advice:

1. Don’t move back in with your boyfriend until this situation is resolved — or at least on it’s way to a much better resolution. If you do, you’re going to be jerking your son around and through relationship muck that he shouldn’t have to go through. There’s a big problem here that needs resolution before it’s clear that this is going to work. You’ve got to put his needs first here.

2. Know that your boyfriend is enabling his daughter in some very bad behavior that is not going to serve her well as a healthy adult. I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out for you — you’ve already given me all the details, so you know how he’s not helping her stand on her own two feet or setting up boundaries for an adult child who should be living and working on her own. However, it is HIS responsibility to deal with her — not yours. You’re the girlfriend, not the step-mother. And if you do become the step-mother, you’ll be the step-mother of an adult child, not a small child. So you don’t get to talk to her about her behavior.

So, what can you do about your frustration and anger over the situation?

Stop shopping for a car for her. She’s 21. She should be doing it herself. If her father wants to help her, that’s fine, but just say no, and take care of your own child and your own things — I’m sure you’re busy. You’re angry because you’re doing something you don’t want to be doing. So, just stop! 😉 And that goes for other things, too — in other words, don’t you enable her, too! As far as his lending you his car, remember that that’s a gift, and it’s his choice to give his daughter the better car, or to make you bring the car back for her to use. Frankly, I think it’s a flashing yellow light that he’s putting her ahead of you — and you should pay attention, instead of complain. I’m sure there are reasons you don’t have a rental car or aren’t buying a new car or having your insurance company provide you with a car — but his lending you a car is a big gift, not something that a boyfriend is required to do. Maybe your son’s father can help out since this is something that affects your son. But if not, you have to understand that your boyfriend is putting his daughter and the car first. 😕

As for your boyfriend having “a say” in your son’s life — it doesn’t seem like a great idea unless you’re engaged with a wedding date in place. Your boyfriend should not be parenting your son. And, that’s your responsibility to enforce. So don’t blame your boyfriend, just step up and make changes in your own life that will make sure your son knows who’s in charge and that your boyfriend isn’t the same thing as a step-parent.

As for your boyfriend — he may or may not change his behavior, but the first step is to recognize it. Talk gently with him about what’s going on and what your concerns are regarding his daughter. It really sounds like he’s avoiding reality with the financial problems — by overindulging her, instead of focusing on bolstering his own finances. It’s probably going to be very hard for him to face this. However, if he doesn’t, his problems are going to create a shaky foundation for any relationship he has with you and your son.

I hope that helps!

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[KRISTENROSE]

Thank you so much April, your advise was exactly what I needed to hear. Everything you said make perfect sense. I agree that I need to sit down with my boyfriend and have a gentle talk in regards to what he expects of me from his daughter and what my concerns are. All of this definitely needs to be done before my son and I move up there.

Thank you so much!

Kristen

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

Good luck!

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