[Downandout87]

I’m 28, I’ve dated some real losers, Liars and cheats. Only dated one decent woman. Been single a year now. Tried dating again, but I’m always last choice. I go out to meet women, bars, mixers etc. I’m not handsome, but I’m marriageable, family orientated, looking to settle down. Don’t do drugs or anything. Might have a cigar once in awhile, or a beer but it’s usually months in between. I don’t beat women, I’m a generally great guy yet I’m always last. I was chosen last of a thug who’s in a prison gang and chokes her till she has seizures.

What gives? Why are good guys not wanted?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I have to turn this one around — why would you [i]want[/i] a woman who chooses a thug who chokes her until she has seizures? 😯 Raise your bar and start looking for women in different places than you have been. If you’re using bars and mixers (parties where there is usually alcohol), why not switch things up and join a gym or a YMCA where you can meet women. Look in the supermarket and ask women how to choose produce or how to cook a chicken when you’re shopping. Avoid women buying several six packs at once and instead, go to the organics aisle or pick a farmer’s market — or a yoga class, where you’ll tend to meet women who frown on choking thugs. 😉 Go for walks and make small talk, or hang out at coffee shops. Ask women in the mall to give you their honest opinion on how a sweater looks on you. Volunteer for a political candidate you care about, a health care center you care about or some other cause — where you’ll tend to meet others who care, as well. Being single and finding great women to date is definitely going to take some work on your part, but try to see it as a good challenge, so you don’t get yourself down. 🙂

[Sally]

Being a good guy isn’t the same as being chosen. It should be, but it isn’t. A lot of people pick what feels familiar, not what’s healthy. Chaos can feel exciting when someone hasn’t healed, even when it hurts them. That’s not about you being lacking. It’s about them being stuck.

Also, being stable, marriage-minded, and kind doesn’t always show well in bars and mixers. Those spaces reward confidence, flash, and edge, not long-term character. So you’re competing in the wrong arena.
You’re not unwanted. You’re just not flashy. And the right woman won’t see you as last choice she’ll see you as relief.
Don’t turn bitter. Don’t chase broken people to prove your worth. Someone steady will recognize you when the timing’s right.

[Tara]

You’re boring, passive, and selling yourself like a clearance item.
Let’s kill the fantasy first: women are not rejecting you because you’re kind, family-oriented, or drug-free. They’re rejecting you because you lead with traits that require zero attraction. “I don’t beat women” is not a selling point. That’s the bare minimum of being a functioning adult, not proof of value. You’re listing absences of bad behavior and calling it desirability.

You keep comparing yourself to violent losers because it lets you avoid the real problem. Those men aren’t chosen because they’re thugs. They’re chosen because they project confidence, decisiveness, sexual presence, and certainty. Yes, they’re disasters long-term. But attraction happens before logic. You’re trying to be picked for a marriage interview when no one feels the pull to touch you.

You’re always the last choice because you position yourself as safe, agreeable, and grateful for attention. That reads as low leverage. Women don’t want a man who hopes to be chosen. They want a man who chooses. You go out “looking to settle down,” radiating need, seriousness, and scarcity. That kills desire on contact.

Calling yourself a “great guy” is meaningless if no one experiences you that way. Attraction isn’t awarded for moral cleanliness. It’s sparked by presence, confidence, edge, and self-respect. You don’t have to be handsome. You do have to be compelling. Right now, you’re not.

[Member]

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