[ms.e]

when, if at all, is it appropriate for me to ask a guy i’m interested in where i stand?

so here’s the scoop (apologizing ahead of time for the minute details and long recounts):

i recently met a guy from an online site and we really hit it off. we met about a month ago and went out, and unfortunately got a little too tipsy and made some bad decisions. but i told him the next day that things like that pretty much don’t happen with me and it was weird because when we talked about it we were really on the same page. i guess i just figured if he only wanted to hook up then i’d be able to tell though the communication. much to my pleasant surprise, it was almost like it wasn’t even an issue. legit conversations, funny emails and nice texts. we went out a couple times after that and it was fun and like early dating should be. but i digress.

so we had been talking for about 3 weeks or so, and decided to get together after we got home from visiting our parents over christmas. the date we planned, well he had to cancel but it was not a biggie — i totally understood where he was coming from. he said had a busy day at work and we both had a really bad commute home that night so exhaustion was pretty legit. so we rescheduled for lunch later during the week. i texted him that morning to make sure we were still on, and his reply was “sure but if it’s too early we can get together some other time” and something about an appointment that afternoon. immediately i read that as a polite cancellation, but he called and asked if i was on my way over, what time i was coming over. i told him if he was busy, to give me a call sometime if he wanted to and we could reschedule. he laughed and called me passive aggressive. lunch was ok, the conversation was good but not like it was on our previous dates. we left the restaurant and it was semi awkward (although it could have been because it was about 9 degrees outside and we were walking) and the only thing that was running through my brain was that he wasn’t interested and i won’t get to see him again. when we got to his appointment i told him that if he wanted to get together again that i guess to give me a ring if he wanted. he laughed again and called me passive aggressive and said he’d give me a call. said it twice.

my paranoia sets in because we’ve all heard the “i’ll give you a call” before, and this situation has kind of been the theme of the past few guys i’ve dated (minus the hook up). three, four or five or so dates and communication is done. i would say it’s pretty balanced as to who initiates conversation/dates, but probably less on my side so i don’t seem psycho. it’s definitely me though, since it’s a pattern.

he’s absolutely right about me being passive aggressive, but i think i have a decent reason. i’m kind of nervous in situations like this, like when i don’t know where i stand with a guy. plus meeting him online? i mean there’s constant matching and browsing, so i’d be naive to think he’s not talking to other girls…right? i’m really enjoying getting to know him, and i think this is something that could be legitimate, so i feel like if i explain why i’m passive aggressive i might have a chance to salvage this. i’m scared i’m wrong and it’s too late and i’ll just look desperate and pathetic and needy.

so what do you think i should do? do i still have a shot with this guy or have i blown it again?

[Ask April Masini]

Your question, “Am I just paranoid or should I be worried?” is kind of a lose lose question! 😮

I don’t think you should worry. And you’re not paranoid, but you do have control issues and when you can’t control situations or other people’s feelings or actions, you act neurotic and sabotage relationships. In order to start practicing the kind of behavior that will lead you to happy and healthy relationships, you’re going to have to try doing nothing and allowing other people to have their feelings and behaviors even if it makes you nervous and anxious. This is a lot harder to do than to talk about for many people, and I think you’re one of them!

I know you want this guy to like you, but when you ask him out instead of letting him do the asking and the planning, you take away his opportunity to show you how he feels. The reason you do this is that you’re so worried about YOUR feelings of being rejected that you don’t even let him be himself. Instead you start acting in a way that you describe as passive aggressive. When he says, “Let’s meet for lunch,” instead of responding, “Great!” you say, “Well, you don’t have to meet if you’re too busy.” Now, he feels like you don’t really want to go to lunch with him that much because you’ve taken his invitation and semi-rejected it. You’ve given him an out that he didn’t ask for or even necessarily want.

What you need to do is stop racing ahead in your mind and practice being in the moment even when that moment makes you feel discomfort. This rule goes for making dates, too. I’d like to see you stop asking for half of the dates you go on and ask for none of them! Let the guy ask you out, and you agree or disagree to go. That’s it. If he doesn’t ask you out, then practice being okay with that. Men will find you much more attractive if you can master this art of not jumping the gun, being in the moment, and allowing others to participate in the relationship on their watch — not yours.

As for this guy, I want you to do nothing. If he asks you out, then you can tell him you’d be delighted to go. Don’t twist his words around or start reacting to things he hasn’t said or done yet. And [b]don’t[/b] ask him out, call him, or text him. Just be in the moment.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[Author]

Posts