[ayla]

I am recently engaged to M. He is a hardworking man and says he loves me; but, I know there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. I want both. Am I to unrealistic? For example, today he went out of town and had the choice to leave when he wanted to. He told me I’d see him for 20 minutes probably before he left. He got off work early, texted me to find out what time I’d be home and told me he wanted to see me before he left, and left early without seeing me before he left. He would have had to wait 2 hours to see me.

Well, I was excited and happy that he wanted to see me…thinking maybe we’d have a little fun before he left…then found out he didn’t wait. He left. I was initially very disappointed and I told him. He said he got off early, did I expect him to wait…well, yes. It doesn’t help that he is normally not forthcoming in his feelings for me (rarely any words of affirmation) or physical intimacy (non-sexual). I know he loves me…cares for me…but, where is the romance? So, I told him how I felt while he was driving out of town (already an hour away) and said “thanks for starting an argument on my way out of town.” and he hung up on me. I was crying. He called back and kept going over the details of why he left without seeing me. My basic point to him was that I was hurt that I wasn’t important enough to him to see me before he left. The conversation ended upbruptly and when I got home, he hadn’t left a note and left a mess all over our bed, which he never does that.

I just wanted to be important enough that he would go out of his way to show me that I am special to him. Anything…before he left…his whole attitude is defensive…No, “Oh, baby I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings”…no affirmation that my feelings matter.

Maybe someone can read between the lines and give me a wake up call? My big question is this: In marriages that last and last…is this normal? I’ve been married twice and don’t want to make a third mistake. Is knowing he loves me enough? Am I being too needy or is it reasonable to be upset that he didn’t make an effort to see me before he left? 😥

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both? Has he been married before, and if so, for how long? How long were your other two marriages and why did they end? Do you have children?

If you can let me know, I think I can give you better advice than I could without that information! 🙂

[ayla]

I’ve been married twice. My first husband cheated on me. Married for five years. My second husband was controlling and emotionally abusive. He told me I was his property. Married for 9 years.

He was married once and he only married her because she got pregnant. Not sure how long they were married. His last relationship lasted awhile but they never married. It ended because she was an alcoholic and he didn’t want to be in a co-dependent relationship.

I guess my whole problem with what happened Friday (that it wasn’t important to him to see me before he left) is just that. It wasn’t important to him. He texted me and said if he knew it was that important to me he would’ve waited to see me. I guess I was just hurt that it wasn’t important to him. I told him I don’t feel special.

I am trying to be realistic; but, at the same time I don’t want to be unhappy. I want to feel loved and cherished. Sometimes I just wonder if we are truly right for each other and also wonder if I am being too ‘needy’. I recognize that there are ups and downs in relationships; but, it seems I always want more than he gives (emotionally).

We met in March 2010 and he asked me to marry him last month. Some other facts: My three kids and I moved into his home by June 2010 and we talked about marriage within the first month. He works very hard and is ‘out of it’ mentally most of the time. I am always the one keeping the emotional connection alive. Our communication styles are in conflict most of the time as well. We both get very frustrated talking to each other when we get into a funk, which lasts at least a week and every month…possibly when I have my period…not related to pms. We don’t usually have sex when I have my period. We are both Aquarius.

When we get into this funk…which happened all last week…he is distant and I stop initiating emotional connectedness…I don’t want to be the only one to keep our love alive…so nothing happens…

The bottom line is this: I want to maintain the ‘togetherness’ (in love) state; but, recognize that it not possible 24/7. We both have our responsibilities and workload. I am in school, work part-time, and care for my three kids. He works full-time and overtime and is always working at home too. But, when the work is done and while work is being done…the connection should be right there…It is like he is living his life and I’m a side dish. But, he’s doing it all for (us)…like his comment regarding our last week funk, he said, “It’s only a week out of 365 days in our lifetime, its a drop in the bucket.” I think we are on opposite spectrums of emotional needs…

Wow…lots of info. Another aspect is that he doesn’t say words of affirmation…if he does it is in a text message or on FB.

On the other hand, he calls me Beautiful and has been constant in his declaration of love for me when asked…

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill regarding your first post here. You’re 38 years old (I checked another post you wrote on this forum to find your age), have three children, are living with this man, and have accepted his proposal to get married. If he didn’t see you for 20 minutes before going off on a trip for no reason other than he didn’t feel like waiting around, don’t turn this into something it’s not. Let it go. This is such a little issue from what I can tell. It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t love you. It’s just, as you said, he’s hardworking.

However, it is of greater concern that you moved your three children into his house with him after knowing him for only three months. I was really surprised that you have no idea how long his prior marriage lasted! 😯 I think you need to get to know him a little better before you live with him or marry him!

Considering you have two failed marriages under your belt, responsibility for three children, and you’re not even 40 yet, I think you need to SLOW DOWN and reconsider what it is you’re looking for in a relationship instead of rushing into something that may or may not be right. Since your first husband cheated on you and your second husband was emotionally abusive and controlling, and you were married to the two of them for a total of 14 years, and you’re now 38, if my math is right, you’ve been married to one man or another since you were in your early 20s. The sum total of all these facts is a big flashing yellow light that you need to stay single, take care of your children (how old are they??), and get to really know a man for at least a year of dating before you move in with him or get engaged or get married. I would hope you don’t want to make another relationship mistake, and slowing things down to really know yourself and him first, will help you make a good decision for you and your kids.

I hope that this helps. Let me know how things go and please join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

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