[KandR]

Hello
I’m a happily married woman, me(31) and him (33). We have been together for over 8 years now and I think we have a pretty healthy marriage, we spend a lot of time together and talk about anything together, we have lots of laughs and work hard to make the other person happy.
The past few months I have noticed a bit of a change though, and I’ve tried some things on my own to try and fix it but I don’t think it is really helping….I’ve tried talking to him about it, but I am picking up that this is a bit of a sore spot for him to talk about and I don’t think he wants to.
Basically, his self esteem is falling, and it is actually messing with my own head a bit, It started back around Christmas when his mother made some off-handed comments about his weight, she is the type of person that is critical and makes sharp comments to everybody. He has gained a bit, maybe 20 pounds, but he is absolutely nowhere near “obese” or even fat in my opinion. He is a man that is built thick, big hands, big feet, tree trunk arms, etc. he is never going to look like a swimmer.
Anyway, I think that is where it started. Ever since then, he has been OBSESSED with losing the weight, to get back to where he was exactly before. I told him to support him, that I would go on the same diet as him and I would prepare the food, all that jazz. He checks his weight 3-4 times a day, and gets really angry if he has gained any of what he has lost back (ie. 1 pound difference) and I tell him that your weight fluctuates throughout the day, its not an accurate reading, he needs to check only once or twice a week not all the time, but it doesn’t seem to get through to him.
Now he doesn’t initiate sex like he used to, I’ve been trying to initiate it but I get the “I’m tired; had a long day; not feeling well, don’t want to get you sick” routine. I just tell him that is okay and give him a kiss and roll over and sit there wondering what is wrong with ME. Which, I know is flawed thinking, but I can’t help but go there.
He also makes comments every now and then that sort of make me feel bad. He will say something along the lines of “we must be made for each other because no other woman would go near me” or “I must of done something great in a past life to get you” Its flattering but also a self-depreciating, isn’t it? I feel like it is….I tell him all the time that he is my one and only, the best man in the world, the man I stand behind, that I am so lucky to have found him, etc.
But I get the feeling that people at his work say things to him that are not helping this situation. He told me that he showed a few guys at work pictures of me that he had on his phone, and they asked him what was wrong with me, basically insinuating that there must be something wrong with me to marry him.
It makes me angry, I don’t know what to do to help him, I try to compliment him whenever I can, I am always touching him or grabbing him, I am 100% faithful, I have never given him a reason to believe that I am not happy with him or that I am interested in anybody else.
But these outside influences are chipping away at his self esteem…….aside from continuing to support him to help lose those last 10 pounds, what else can I do to make this man feel like a mountain??

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s focusing outward, instead of inward, and seeing his flaws instead of his assets. Weighing himself three and four times a day is a symptom of his anxiety over this weight issue. There are some things I can suggest that you do to create a nurturing atmosphere in which he may be more interested in looking inward, not outward. For instance, if you go to church or some religious or meditative institution — even yoga classes — where the focus is on the self, and not the crowd around you, this might be a good basis for focusing his energy on himself, instead of what others think of him. He needs enough of that to get the ball rolling. Next, start switching sedentary fun with active fun — in little ways, like walking to the coffee shop on the weekend for lattes, instead of driving. Buy bikes. Go bowling instead of to the movies. None of these are as obvious as buying him a gym pass — but they’re ways to do fun things together, and burn calories, and the energy expended will help diminish depression. You may also want to surreptitiously replace pancakes with mangoes and blueberries and get rid of the white bread toast, and replace it with granola or energy bars that are healthier. Don’t make him feel deprived, but do simply switch soda in your house for sparkling mineral water with a splash of unsugared juice.

As for sex and your personal romance, don’t put pressure on him to have sex. And DON’T play into his being a victim. If he says you must be crazy to be with him, tell him you’re crazy for him and change the mood to affection and playfulness. Eventually, he may feel that what other people say is less important than what you do, or what he feels about himself.

I hope this helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[KandR]

Thanks for replying, April

I like your ideas, we do are not religious or anything so I don’t know what to do about “spiritual” stuff because I am not spiritual at all. I don’t think he is religious either, he has never said anything that would me to believe he was anyways….Even when his father died he didn’t speak much about religion at all.
He works long days, 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week usually, and it is a physical job (scaffolder) so he is always climbing, carrying, lifting, walking, etc. We also have a very high-energy dog that I take to the park every day, if he can join us he will otherwise he walks the dog in the evening after supper….
We try to be healthy, we stay away from artificial things and I am a very good cook, so I often make all meals from scratch. I make my own salad dressings, my own marinades, my own seasonings, we only have gluten maybe a few times a week, as his body is sensitive to it, and I try to keep healthy snacks around the house so he isn’t tempted to go pick up anything from the store (little bags of nuts, popcorn, fruit, grain crackers, veggie bags, etc) So I do try to put in as much effort as I can as far as the food thing goes, we both see a very good naturopath and she helps to keep our bodies running smoothly as well. I try to do what I can to take charge of that part of our lives, however sometimes I still find a burger wrapper in the car even though I made him a very nice lunch. I know everybody indulges once and awhile, its natural, but to do that and then get so upset over 1 pound just seems…..counter-productive? I feel that isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean.

I also now think that maybe his job has something to do with this, as I was rereading what I had written the fact of what his coworkers say at work really stuck out for me. We have been together for over 8 years, 7 of those years he worked at a different type of job (welder) and the atmosphere was different. Most of the men there were married and had children, there was a fair amount of young guys that were just starting out in the dating world, but not many ‘damaged’ guys. They used to joke around with him about asking me if I had a sister for them, that sort of thing, I think it made him feel good. They never had a bad thing to say about him, he was a hard worker and always helped them out.
Now in this new job, it seems like from what I hear many of his coworkers are just a shade to the left of being feral. Many of them are going through tough divorces, have cheating spouses, machismo issues etc. I frequently see texts on his phone from his new coworkers with highly pornographic material in them (which is also funny so I don’t care), they send each other raunchy jokes, lots of just “good ol’ boy” stuff. I feel like that sort of environment breeds a lot of negativity and posturing….
do you think that could affect how he sees himself as well?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I like your ideas, we do are not religious or anything so I don’t know what to do about “spiritual” stuff because I am not spiritual at all. I don’t think he is religious either, he has never said anything that would me to believe he was anyways….Even when his father died he didn’t speak much about religion at all.[/quote]

Meditation classes or instruction might do the trick, as might the discipline and self focus in yoga or even karate!

[quote]He works long days, 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week usually, and it is a physical job (scaffolder) so he is always climbing, carrying, lifting, walking, etc. We also have a very high-energy dog that I take to the park every day, if he can join us he will otherwise he walks the dog in the evening after supper.[/quote]

Awesome!

[quote]We try to be healthy, we stay away from artificial things and I am a very good cook, so I often make all meals from scratch. I make my own salad dressings, my own marinades, my own seasonings, we only have gluten maybe a few times a week, as his body is sensitive to it, and I try to keep healthy snacks around the house so he isn’t tempted to go pick up anything from the store (little bags of nuts, popcorn, fruit, grain crackers, veggie bags, etc) So I do try to put in as much effort as I can as far as the food thing goes, we both see a very good naturopath and she helps to keep our bodies running smoothly as well. I try to do what I can to take charge of that part of our lives, however sometimes I still find a burger wrapper in the car even though I made him a very nice lunch. I know everybody indulges once and awhile, its natural, but to do that and then get so upset over 1 pound just seems…..counter-productive? I feel that isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean.[/quote]

Wow, you’re doing a lot already. And his indulging in a burger from a drive through now and then is not a big deal. Losing weight is difficult and being rigid isn’t going to win the race!

[quote]I also now think that maybe his job has something to do with this, as I was rereading what I had written the fact of what his coworkers say at work really stuck out for me. We have been together for over 8 years, 7 of those years he worked at a different type of job (welder) and the atmosphere was different. Most of the men there were married and had children, there was a fair amount of young guys that were just starting out in the dating world, but not many ‘damaged’ guys. They used to joke around with him about asking me if I had a sister for them, that sort of thing, I think it made him feel good. They never had a bad thing to say about him, he was a hard worker and always helped them out.
Now in this new job, it seems like from what I hear many of his coworkers are just a shade to the left of being feral. Many of them are going through tough divorces, have cheating spouses, machismo issues etc. I frequently see texts on his phone from his new coworkers with highly pornographic material in them (which is also funny so I don’t care), they send each other raunchy jokes, lots of just “good ol’ boy” stuff. I feel like that sort of environment breeds a lot of negativity and posturing….
do you think that could affect how he sees himself as well?[/quote]

It sounds like his work environment may involve some bullying and a different “culture” than he’s used to — and he’s reacting to it with his weight. A lot of times weight change is a symptom of something else going on. The best thing you can do, in addition to all the good things you’re doing above, is to talk to him and be there for him to talk about what’s going on with this work atmosphere. Try not to be judgmental and just get him to open up. Be supportive of what he’s feeling. He needs to find strength in this bad atmosphere. It sounds like these guys are taking out their frustrations on him, and it’s taking a toll on him. 😳 He can find the strength he needs in some of the places we discussed above, either religion or meditation (some sort of personal inward journey), as well as eating well, exercising, and feeling your support and love, as well as a place to talk about the negative things that are happening so he can divest himself from them. He can’t change these guys, but he can try to find a way to not let them affect him.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[KandR]

I know that losing weight isn’t something that happens over night, I think he has a hard time getting that though. I have a feeling that this stems from his ability to drop or gain 20 pounds in a month or so when he was younger, as is the metabolism of a young man. Now that he is into his 30’s, his old methods for losing weight are not working as quickly as he would like and this is frustrating him. I think I might take the scale and hide it for a few days, say that maybe the batteries ran out and I am getting some at the grocery store, that sort of thing. Maybe taking it away will help to divert this behaviour, like if he doesn’t see it when he walks past the bathroom he won’t have the sudden urge to hop on, and therefore won’t fixate on it more then he needs to?
I will keep doing what I am doing to support him and hopefully he will ‘buck up’ a bit.
Thanks April!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts