[Replicant82]

I have what seems to be a longstanding issue with my wife that I feel needs to be rectified so I don’t hold resentment towards her. My wife has a 17 year-old daughter from a previous marriage (I have an 8 year-old son with my ex-wife as well) and we also recently had a daughter together. We all get along fine and my wife and I have a very happy and loving relationship however, occasionally, I may say careless/expletive things in the presence of her daughter and she will call me out for being inappropriate around her. I apologize to her for not watching my mouth and/or not thinking before I speak but what bothers me is that she herself swears profusely and unapologetically at times around her daughter, not to mention that they listen to extremely explicit rap music in the car together. I’m sure you’re well aware of how explicit some rap can be and I feel like she’s being hypocritical in calling me out when what I do is mostly accidental as opposed to her loudly playing this music with her daughter on purpose. Nearly all the songs on any given album make very proud mention of how much weed they’re going to smoke, how high they’re going to get, how many women they’re going to have sex with, and how “wet he’s gonna get that p***y.” I feel a lot of resentment towards her when this happens because I feel she is being hypocritical for getting upset with me. Sure, I have said careless things around her daughter but it wasn’t intentional. What really makes me mad is an incident that happened a year ago as we were planning out our songs for our wedding reception and she mentioned a rap song she wanted to play and I read the lyrics and said no to the song. She asked me what was wrong with it and I recited the lyrics verbatim. Again, it was a song that bragged of sexual conquests in explicit detail- specifically oral sex. Her daughter was in the room and I almost refrained but I figured my wife wouldn’t care since the stuff they listen to has plenty of lyrics like this. She screamed at me to stop and I did but I was always mad at myself for not asking why it’s different for me to speak explicit lyrics of a song vs her blasting it in the car with her. I’ know I should’ve just asked her to come look at the lyrics instead of speak then out loud but am I wrong for seeing her anger with me as a contradiction to herself? I’m just wondering if I should continue biting my tongue and apologizing or point out that she is no better than I am when it comes to being inappropriately explicit around her daughter. I’ve hinted at it once and all she said was “she’s MY daughter these are MY choices to make!”. Thoughts or advice? Thanks so much!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I would suggest a middle ground. What you want to avoid is setting up a dynamic where one person has to be right or defensive. When there’s no drama, tell her you want to talk to her about co-parenting. Admit that her daughter is her daughter and your step daughter, but you all live in the house together, and there’s something that’s been going on in the house that’s been bothering you. Keep your tone even, so as not to incite her or yourself.

Tell her that you feel protective of your stepdaughter, and the rap music with it’s explicit lyrics aren’t appropriate, in your eyes, for this home. Tell her you understand that kids listen to this stuff out of the house, but it’s important that the two of you have a united front about what goes on in this particular house. In fact, tell her that it offends you, personally, to hear the misogynist lyrics and you don’t have to be a woman to feel that it’s beneath all of you. Then ask her how she feels about that — getting the conversation going.

You see, I think there’s something else going on beneath all of this — clearly your wife is being hypocritical, but there’s probably a reason that you should know about. I can only guess at what it might be — guilt about having a step-father her daughter’s life, discomfort that her daughter’s father isn’t stepping up to the plate and parenting his daughter — I’m not sure. But try to keep the communication going.

Then, ask her if she can cut you a break when you say something inappropriate — that you don’t intend to insult her or your step-daughter, but you also think it’s not great for your step-daughter to see her belittling you. Maybe she can talk to you privately, instead of in front of her daughter — if there’s something you’re doing that she doesn’t like. In other words, you’d like her to be a team with you, as co-parents in your home, and you want her input. Also, tell her you’re really trying to speak more elegantly around the house, and not having the rap music playing will present a non-contradictory message to the whole family about what’s appropriate and what isn’t.

I hope that helps.

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