[Confuzzled]

Dear April,

Where to begin this without making it too long too read.

I met this girl on a online game. We just clicked, sparked even. She was dating another guy at the time, so we remained friends, but things happened with them and they broke it off. He was obsessive and wanted all her time and she couldn’t have any time with friends. So a week went past after the break-up and one thing lead to another and we started dating. She’s from Canada im from Australia. I’m well aware that long distance relationships are a mess to impossible but it was worth a try. I do love her dearly, I know this because every time I bring myself to just ending the relationship I can never do it. Just as I get enough hate and sadness to end it, a simple hi makes me fall in love all over again. I’ve always been in control of myself and my emotions but with her I have no control. I feel obsessed with her but not in a bad way. In the way where no matter what I do she’s always on my mind and I can’t get her out and it drives me insane.

But for the problem.

When we started dating I swore I wouldn’t do anything as her exs did. I gave her time with her friends and scheduled time with us, but as time went by, our schedule was wipe away and she started spending more and more time with her friends and less time with me. The more I tried to talk to her about it the more she pushed away. It was as if she felt she was getting too close and fear was closing her off, but I moved back and tried to be patient, only confronting her every 2 weeks about the lack of time we were spending together. As time went by 3 months give or take I started noticing that when she had no-one to keep her company that’s when u became an asset once again. We are now going on 5 months of this and there has only been minor improvements. She started opening a little bit, then two of her ex’s managed to get back in her life and now we are back to square 1. I asked her today who she was talking to on Skype, she replied nobody, but in the midst of an argument after she swore she spoke to no-one it turned out that she tested her ex, but justified it by saying talking meant on call not text, however when I text her saying I want to talk she responds with we are talking. The logic makes no reasonable sense but I just brushed it off despite that she justifies things in her own words or discloses things by using twisted sentences. I see that she’s hidding something but I can’t seem to fall her out in it because if I do she gets upset, which tells me or at least makes me feel like she’s up to no good but she swears she’s doing nothing wrong and that I even mentioned it makes her get sad and upset. I trust her and believe her or so I tell myself to stop myself questioning her actions but it’s getting harder as time goes by and I’m not sure I trust her or believe her anymore. My mind says leave her my heart says don’t be stupid. I don’t know what to think or do anymore. She was away for a few days, communication was rare, but she could talk to her friends but not me, that upset and hurt me a bit but inlet it go, she got home today turned her Skype on missed called me and I only got the notification 8 minutes later but by that time she had already logged out of Skype. Later on I picked up my phone and my Skype was still the active screen, I thrn noticed she was online. I did respond to her missed call but she came back and didn’t even reply but then found out she messaged her ex to keep her company because I wasn’t available but that confused me because I did respond to her and she went to her ex rather than respond to me. She then went in to say that she turned on her Skype for me which I fail to believe because she turned it off in the first place and turned it back in to message her ex but said it was for me. Makes no sense to me. I always find answers to problems but I’m at my wits end with this relationship. Part of me says I should stop wasting my time, the other part says I need to be patient and let her come to me when she’s ready and just keep trusting her. I had a similar relationship with my ex, but she came around. She fixed things but we grew apart. I’m a go getter and she’s well… Kinda lazy. We lived life at 2 different speeds. I Really need help, what do I do, what questions do I ask myself, how do I trust her and believe her 100%

Confuzzled

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please, fill me in a little, first.

How old are you both?

Have you ever met in person?

[Confuzzled]

I’m 32 and she’s about to turn 24. No we haven’t met in person yet but we have partially discussed me going to Canada to meet her and spend some time with her. In fact we have been arguing for 2 days now but the way our relationship goes is we are busy arguing and we just stop and we start talking as if we didn’t argue at all like the argument never existed. She asked today what just happend. We were arguing and we just started talking like there was no argument. While we we were talking I asked her how long she would like me to go to Canada and stay. I mentioned a year and she seemed quite wanting of me to stay a year if I made the move. She even went as far to admit that she had been a terrible girlfriend and that she hadn’t been trying to be a good girlfriend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it — thank you!

So, here’s the thing about dating and long distance dating. In dating, you use the first three months to decide if you want to continue seeing each other. You get to know each other, and it should be assumed you’re playing the field because making a commitment too early wastes time. The second three months of dating are when you decide whether or not to be monogamous. The reason I use these guidelines is because they work, and they avoid drama that happens when you make a commitment to someone before really getting to know them.

With long distance dating, one of the first rules is to understand that this is not in town dating, and you have to give each other a lot of slack. You can’t get jealous or possessive of someone you can’t take to dinner because you’re too far away to do so. You have to let a lot slide, until there’s a strong commitment established. And you can’t expect her to be monogamous when you haven’t taken her to dinner, at the very least. Dating is competitive, and the distance is a disadvantage. I usually tell people that if they meet online, and there hasn’t been an in person date in three months, to move on because this isn’t serious. Showing up, physically, shows your commitment. Obviously, that’s a generalization, but it’s a pretty good one. Since you told her you’d like to come see her for a year, the first time you meet, you have to understand that to a 23 year old, this is a huge commitment that you’re asking her to make — with someone she’s never had dinner with, and it probably scared her off. My advice is that you visit for 5-7 days the first time, stay in a hotel, and make the first date you take her on, special. Then, see how the second date goes. I think if you can take a different perspective on this long distance situation, given your ages, you’ll have a lot less stress in your life. So, slow down, and make plans to see each other — but, in small increments.

I hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts