[Kiara2014]

Hi April, I’m not sure how to ask this question, or simply need advice. But my boyfriend whom I absolutely love and adore in every way, has two kids. I honestly, don’t think I want kids any way. I basically raised my little brother, and I love my niece & I am actively part of her life. But it’s so hard with his kids. The woman he had the two kids with is a nightmare. Is it bad a part of me hates these kids, but I love them so much at the same time, because I can’t have him all to myself. Should I leave? I know he will be heart broken and so will I. Do you think I will ever be able to accept & handle him having kids? I’m scared I won’t be able to. & I love him and his two kids. But I just didn’t see a future with kids involved. Help me please

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re very mature to be raising this issue. Not everybody wants kids. Some people change their minds, and others don’t, so when you date a single parent, you have to decide if this is a future you want. Ideally, you know this before you begin dating — but many times you just don’t know until you’re into the relationship. The thing is that if you stay with him, his kids and their mothers will be part of your life with him as for long as you are with him, and if that is something you don’t want, do not feel guilty, but do act accordingly! You can love someone and not be compatible with them and that’s what’s going on here. He’s great, but you don’t want a life with children and their mothers, so be honest about that with him, and let go and move on. And next time around, don’t get involved with someone who has children since you already know that kids are a deal breaker for you. 🙂

[Sally]

I want you to know something first having mixed feelings about his kids doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. You love him, you care about them, but you’re grieving the life you imagined where it was just the two of you. That grief is real.

Here’s the honest part though. His kids aren’t a phase. The ex isn’t a phase. This is the package. And if, deep down, you’ve never wanted a future with kids involved, that feeling usually doesn’t magically disappear it gets louder with time.

Love alone isn’t always enough to carry a life you don’t actually want. Staying and hoping you’ll change can turn into resentment, even if everyone is good people.
Leaving would hurt, yes. Staying and slowly losing yourself would hurt more.

You don’t have to decide today. Just don’t ignore what your gut has been quietly telling you.

[Tara]

You don’t hate his kids. You hate the life that comes with them, and that life is permanent.
And no, that doesn’t make you evil. It makes you honest. But honesty has consequences.
You want a man without divided attention, without a hostile ex attached forever, without custody schedules, school drama, birthdays you don’t control, money that doesn’t go to you, and emotional energy that will never fully belong to you. You want a clean future. He does not have one. That’s not a flaw. That’s reality.

Those kids aren’t going anywhere. Ever. Not when they grow up. Not when they move out. Not when you’re exhausted. Not when you’re sick. Not when you want him “all to yourself.” That sentence alone tells me everything: you are fundamentally incompatible with this situation.

Loving the kids “sometimes” does not mean you’re built for step-parenthood. Real step-parenting means swallowing resentment daily without letting it poison your relationship or damage innocent children. You are already resentful. That resentment will grow, not shrink.

The nightmare ex? That’s not a phase either. That woman is a permanent fixture. She will always have access to him, always have influence, always have leverage through those kids. If that already makes your skin crawl, congratulations, your instincts are screaming at you.

You’re asking if you’ll “eventually accept it.” No. People don’t magically become okay with lives they never wanted. They either leave early or stay and rot quietly.
Staying out of guilt is cowardice. Staying because you “love him” while secretly resenting his children is cruel to you and to them. Love does not override lifestyle incompatibility.

[Member]

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