[Anonymous]

My name is Janine and my birthday is 4-11-90 and I got involved with a guy Ty whose birthday is 10-10-90. When we first began talking and we first met the chemistry and attraction was OFF THE CHARTS! Things were going great until I admitted to having feelings for him then he began to distance himself from me, cut off intimate contact altogether and , but he was seeing other girls. Suddenly we are just on bad terms. We never were dating, but I feel such a strong connection to him. We’ve literally been bickering, arguing, at each others throats since April 11th of this year on my bday. It was on my bday Ty told me that I had the wrong idea and that there was no emotion between us and that we just had sex, that’s it. He tells me this after he makes up a lie that I messed around with one of his roommmates. I knew he was lying, he knew I knew he was lying and the tension in the room could be cut with a knife as we both sat in silence.

A month later I reach out to him and for a moment we are back in good graces with each other. I start seeing someone new and Ty gets into a war of words with the guy online on Facebook. The two exchange words to the point where they want to fight each other. I confront Ty after I am sent the messages and once again we are back on bad terms. Ty tells me that I’m a joke, that I’m crazy and to get real with life, then he blocks me. A month goes by, I want to let him know that I feel hurt and that I want to bury the tension so I can move on. He disregards every attempt at closure. He verbally abuses me instead. Eventually we both are frustrated, I won’t stop seeking an answer and he gives me the silent treatment, until I stoop to his level and strike a nerve or two. We get into and he tells me that I’m weak, pathetic and stupid and to keep his name out of my mouth and to leave him alone. I have no idea why there is so much anger between us and while I’m pondering over him, I don’t believe he could care at all or has wasted a second to care about the pain he’s caused me. I apologized for what I said to him and he never replied back to me. Why would we have so much anger between us, tension from March to now when we were never dating? What would cause us to be so unhealthy for each other? I feel there is unresolved tension, but it may just be me and he is living carefree and happy. I’ve been going crazy over this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your ex-boyfriend wants you out of his life, and you’re stalking him. Yes, that’s right: [i]you’re a stalker[/i]. If someone tells you there’s nothing there and blocks you from contact, but you keep going back over and over and over and try to manipulate the situation by making yourself seem like the victim who needs closure, you have some passive aggressive behavior that needs attention! 😮

Stop contacting him. His feelings are not unresolved. His feelings are very clear. He’s told you to get out of his life and now he’s lashing out at you because you won’t.

Start valuing yourself and wanting to be with people who want you — not those who don’t. I’m not sure what your history is, but I suspect there’s some historical drama that’s taught you that relationships have to be abusive and chaotic in order to be real. I’m here to tell you that you’ve got it backwards.

If a man wants to date you, he’ll ask you out. If he doesn’t want to date you, don’t stalk him. Move on and find someone who wants you — they’re out there, but you have to be open to Mr. RIght.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Maybe I should add some details. We were never dating! And I’m not stalking him. Ty began to distance himself from me once I admitted to having feelings for him. Instead of him telling me he just wasn’t interested and no longer wanted to see or talk to me, he fed me lines such as ” If you don’t hear it from me, don’t believe it “. Ty went so far as to make up a lie about me messing around with one of his friends just so he could have an exit strategy when I never did anything to him, but tell him I liked him. At the beginning he was possessive over me, but something changed that caused him to pull back as he did. The charming, flirty and fun guy turned cold and cruel, with no explanation. My feelings were in response to how he was acting. He started calling me his girl, introduced me to his friends and his friends became my friends. When I asked his friends where Ty got the lie from, they had no clue what I was talking about, which proved that Ty had deceived me.

What started the recent anger is Ty thinks I humiliated him and made a fool out of him, so this is why he’s lashing out at me and blocked me online because he thought I did something I didn’t do after we got into an argument. I tried to find out why he was treating me the way he did calmly and not pointing any fingers, he refused to be cordial and that’s how the insults and cheap shots escalated. Why would Ty argue with a guy I start seeing when Ty told me he had no feelings for me and that we just had sex? The issue isn’t with me, his level of anger and verbal abuse proves that to me. If you are angry with someone, something had to trigger it, but he refuses to tell me so I can’t resolve something he doesn’t want to fix. I’ve never experienced this before at all with anyone and its left me extremely confused and conflicted.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You don’t see the reality that he’s cut off sex with you and started seeing other girls in addition to which he asked you to stop contacting him. He blocked you from his Facebook page. And yet you write, “I won’t stop seeking an answer…” 😯 I know you insist the problem is with him, but the only problem you can do something about is your desire to not let go of him.

Whether or not you choose to call what you and this guy did dating, you slept together and were “involved”. He called you his “his girl” and introduced you to his friends. He may not have bought you dinner, but you were still in a relationship with him, and you’re trying to get some semblance of that back. But all you’ve got now is his anger and your refusal to go away unless you get some kind of explanation that suits you.

Unfortunately, just because you have feelings and wants doesn’t mean he shares them — in fact he’s trying to make it clear to you that his feelings and wants are different than yours, but you’re not willing to accept him for who he is now. You can’t always have what you want and that’s just part of life for everyone. But I’d like to see you want what you CAN have and knock on doors which will open easily — in other words, I’d like to see you focus on your relationship with this new guy you’re dating and stop spending any energy on this old guy.

There are no unresolved feelings — there are just feelings of disappointment that you both didn’t turn out to be the people that each other really wanted. There is also anger because the disappointment is sometimes too painful for people to express, as is sadness for loss.

Reconsider your idea that you weren’t dating (having sex and hanging out with someone is dating minus the dinners and the movies) and understand that the unhealthiness you asked me about is the result of not accepting each other for who you really are and wanting him to be someone he’s not.

I hope that helps.

Please join me on Facebook. I’d really love to see you as a free member of AskApril.com on Facebook. 🙂

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