[Anonymous]

Alright.. so I’m going to try and sum up the whole story as much as I can. I could write a novel about this… and I feel like my friends and family try and sugar coat things, but this situation bothers me everyday of my life, and I need to talk to someone about it.

So I first saw this guy when I was a freshman in high school. He was a junior. He used to sit across from me in the morning on the benches at school. It was basically love at first sight. I had a boyfriend at the time, and the two knew each other, and they would talk sometimes, and I’d just stand there like an idiot. I did like my boyfriend at the time, but I couldn’t help having a little crush on this guy. I got a hold of his AIM screen name and just put it on my buddy list for the heck of it. He was part of the “popular” crowd, and I wasn’t.

Anyways, come sophomore year, my boyfriend and I had broken up. I moved into my dad’s house, and I see a silver car pull up in the neighbors driveway. And he gets out of the car. I was so excited.. because the guy I had a little crush on happened to live next door to my dad. But I still never spoke to him. I was kind of a bad kid, and he wasn’t. I would have all my friends over, and we would have parties and be loud and most likely bothered his Uncle. (his Uncle was our neighbor, who he was living with at the time). His Uncle yelled at me a couple times, because he found a empty vodka bottle on his lawn, and it wasn’t even mine. But I was nice to him because I didn’t want his nephew to hate me.

So he ends up moving out, and I forget about him for a little while. Still had that little crush on him, but he graduated that year and I still had two years of high school to go.

So come my Senior year, I end up crossing paths with him and talking to him for the first time. I saw him at a party (go figure, I was such a partier), and my friend told me he kept looking at me. I thought it was just my imagination. Everytime I would move to a different spot around the bonfire, he seemed to follow. Then he comes up to me and asks me for a cigarette. I give him one, and he walks away and smokes it. A couple minutes later, I see him pull out a full pack. I was excited because I thought he asked me for a cigarette as an excuse to talk to me, because he had his own. Then at some point, I was standing on a hill, and I end up falling, and I grabbed onto him because he was the nearest person, and he falls down the hill with me. I apologized, he said it was okay, and we both just stood there. Then it happened again. And that is the first time we ever spoke.

So a couple weeks later, we cross paths again at a party. He was with a guy that I’d been friends with a while back, and I was with my best friend. We ended up sitting there and talking about music the whole night, something I knew he liked because I read his AIM profile for 4 years. Yeah, it sounds like I’m a stalker, but I’m not, I swear. So his best friend ends up liking my best friend, so we end up hanging out. And his other best friend told his other friend (confusing, I know), that he liked me. So I was kinda disappointed because it wasn’t HIM.

Anyways, one night, he had a party at his house. And everyone leaves except my best friend, me, his friend, and him. He ends up telling his friend that he likes me, and he relays the message to me. I was so excited. And we ended up sleeping together that night.

At this point, I was getting out of a horrible relationship, and I was pretty much done with the guy. One night, we all ended up hanging out, and the horrible ex called me and was being mean to me. So the guy I like gets on the phone, yells at him, and tells me if he ever needs me to stick up for me, he has my back. And that is when like turned to love.

The problem is, whenever him and I were alone, we couldn’t keep a conversation. I know I can hold a conversation with anyone, but when it came to him, I was speechless. I think he felt the same way. The only way we could really communicate was through AIM away messages. Childish, I know, Plus his best friend liked me and he slept with me anyways… doesn’t that kind of break the rules of brotherly love? Another problem was, his Uncle most likely hated me, and he probably knew it. Also, he was so “popular” in high school, and I think at this point he still had the mindset that dating someone like me would make him look stupid. I don’t know..

So one night, I put up an away message that was something along the lines of “Why can’t I tell you how I feel?” and he put one up five minutes later saying something like “Just tell me how you feel.” I was like WHATTTTTT… Wow.. either this is a coincedince or he’s trying to tell me something. And at that point I didn’t know if he had my screen name.

This is how I know he did. I was taking a nap one day, and had a dream he IMed me. I woke up, checked my computer, and there was a message from him. It was crazy.

And every lyric he put in his profile related to our situation soooo much. Sometimes I just couldn’t believe it. And I would do the same thing. He would never call me or text me, only a couple times, but I swear, we communicated through away messages.

I know it sounds crazy, but to me, it was a big deal. He acted different around me. I could tell. And when it was just me and him, we didn’t know what to say. We used to both fill out those Myspace surveys, and one time, there was a question that he filled out, and the question was “What is the most important thing to you in a relationship?” And he wrote “Good conversation.” I was like, oh crap, I guess I’m out! lol.

So one night, we all went back to my house, and we ended up sleeping together again. It took him so long to make a move, and his heart was beating so fast because I was laying close enough to him to feel it. And that night his friend that liked me kept sending me text messages saying he wished we could be together. But he slept with me anyways.

So time goes by, we hang out basically all summer. And he drove me CRAZY with all the mixed messages. He told someone he liked me one day, and I didn’t believe them. I thought the person was lying, but they were one of my best friends, so why would they lie? Ughhhh. It STILL drives me crazy. I’d be up all night thinking about him. Literally until the sun came up. I lost so much sleep because of him.

So one night, he calls me on his own, and asks me if I want to do something tonight. We end up going to a party on a mountain. And I got drunk. So I see him dancing with a girl that I didn’t like, and me, in my drunken crazy state, flipped out on him and left.

The next day, I wrote an away message that said “Act your age, not you d*ck size.” He wrote something mean back. And in tiny words, he wrote in his profile “life is confusing.” .. Under the words to “When I Come Around” by Greenday. It was an awful night.

So we stop hanging out for a while, and I almost begin to forget about him. I went away to college the next year after taking a year off, and as soon as we stopped hanging out, I never saw him sign online. And then a year later, we end up hanging out a lot again, and he starts going online again.

So the same friend of his that dated my friend ends up wanting to date my cousin, and his friend got over me. But for some reason, he seemed to flirt with my cousin a lot. I got very pissed off and asked him if he liked her. He said “No, I thought it was (bob we’ll call him) that did.” And I said “Ok.”

I forgot what happened next, but we ended up getting in a texting fight, and I was about to move away to California the next month, and I finally garnered up enough courage to ask him if he ever liked me. Unfortunately, I asked him when we were arguing brutally through text. And he said no. I was absolutely mortified. I called out of work and cried the whole day. I just didn’t believe it. And I still don’t.

I ended up going to a festival after that with all his friends because his friends were mine at the time, and he shows up. He takes one look at me, and walks away. He didn’t spend a second of his time with his friends at the festival, presumably because of me.

So when I moved away, I kept tabs on him. And he wrote some lyrics in his profile that once again fit our situation too well. Here’s a couple of the lines he wrote.

“Theres something green thats leaving town
Always thought it was blue
Always knew I was wrong
Where it goes hell knows maybe somewhere better than here
And what they say of the grass on the other sides true
Too much time looking up is turning everything blue
Including me – including you
Including you
These times count down like boats and planes
Some wash away in undertow
Some plummet down in flames
Lights out right now back then and forevermore
With sirens on this ambulance is racing to the west coast shore”

And I left town, and he made a reference to the West Coast.

It’s been two years since I’ve seen him. Well actually I recently visited my hometown and saw him at a bar, and instantly took three shots in a row because I was so nervous. He looked nervous too. And then he left. And now he has a girlfriend. I’ve had a boyfriend since then, and had other flings, but somehow I ALWAYS think about him. Sometimes I stay up all night and think of him, like I’m doing tonight. And even though we had trouble talking to each other, I truly believe we communicated through AIM indirectly. I just don’t understand. Does it seem like he ever had feelings for me, and if he did, why would he lie to me and say that he never did? I really feel like that isn’t true, because I know what I felt. And somewhere in my heart I feel like we are meant to be together and that’s why I haven’t had luck with anyone else. I’ve liked him since I was 14 and now I’m 22.. and our paths have just collided so much to ignore. Someone please help me. My friends are no help anymore.

Thanks for reading this much and thanks in advance 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

In a nutshell, you have a fantasy crush on a guy you’ve dated a (very) little bit in your past. You never really had anything solid, just lust, some shared dates and high school experiences, and now you’ve both moved on.

My guess is that if your real (not fantasy) life was more satisfying you wouldn’t be looking elsewhere for a possible relationship. You keep looking for hints, clues, signs and other fantasy hooks to make you believe there is more here than there is. Sorry. 🙁 It is what it is, and what it is is mostly fantasy.

Focus on what you have in front of you and if you don’t like what you have in front of you, change it. But live real life and invest in yourself. Hoping and trying to bend fantasy into reality doesn’t work.

Sorry. I guess that’s not what you wanted to hear, but I know you came here for real advice. I hope it helps.

Please join me on Facebook — I’d love to see you there. Here’s that link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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