[ampierce92]

I just don’t know if our relationship is worth saving or if we should let each other go. My entire family hates him and thinks he’s manipulating me but I don’t. I currently live with my parents and they’ve both expressed how they feel about him and said that he is not allowed over at the house so we only see each-other on my lunch breaks and I’m not allowed over at his place (he lives with grandma and BF) when his grandmothers BF is home because he “hates people.” When we fight, (we fight a lot less now) we say things that are mean but we don’t mean what we say. We are just saying them to hurt the other person. We are both seeing therapists because we know we are not capable of being in a relationship together at this moment. I want him in my life and he says he wants me in his, but when we fight it makes me think that I’d be better off without him and he’d be better off without me because we say very harsh things to each other. But in the end, we both apologize and talk it out. Is it worth saving?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think that you’re ready to be in a relationship because neither one of you is independent. You’re 24 and living with your parents. He’s 26 and living with his grandmother. Why aren’t you each living independently? That’s the first question you need to answer in becoming someone who can be in a healthy relationship with another adult. 😉 If you can’t take care of yourself, you’re going to have trouble being with another person. So forget the relationship for now and focus on the real problem — your personal independence. 😉

[Sally]

That kind of relationship feels like you’re constantly choosing between what your heart wants and what the rest of your life is screaming at you. And that’s a heavy place to live.

Here’s the thing: when two people love each other but keep hurting each other, it doesn’t mean the love isn’t real. It just means the version of the relationship you have right now isn’t working. And honestly… you already know that. You said it yourself you’re both in therapy because you can’t handle being together in a healthy way right now.

I’ve been in something like this, where every fight felt like we ripped a little piece off each other. We always apologized too. But apologies don’t fix patterns. Only change does.

So is it worth saving? Maybe. But not the way it is right now. If either of you keeps leaving those fights feeling ashamed or small, it’s going to break something in you that takes a long time to get back.

If you’re going to stay, it has to be because the relationship is getting calmer, not because you’re scared to let go. And if you leave, it doesn’t have to mean you didn’t love each other just that you both deserved some peace.
Take a breath. You don’t have to decide today.

[Tara]

This isn’t a relationship; it’s two emotionally unstable people clinging to each other like life rafts while both of you are actively drowning. The fact that your entire family hates him, refuses to let him in the house, and sees manipulation where you see “potential” should be your first red flag, but you’re too deep in the fantasy to admit it. And the living situation is a joke, you’re sneaking around like teenagers because neither of you has an actual adult foundation to stand on.

The constant fighting, the intentional cruelty, the “we only say horrible things to hurt each other,” and the fact that you BOTH had to get therapists just to survive being together tells you everything: this relationship isn’t healing you, it’s breaking you. The apologies after each emotional knife fight aren’t growth; they’re the cycle of dysfunction you two mistake for love. The verdict: it’s not worth saving, because there’s nothing healthy here to save. Let go before the damage becomes the only thing you recognize.

[Member]

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