[bigcountry1985]

I met a girl named Amber online about six weeks ago. I noticed that she viewed my profile so I left her a message. She replied and we were able to keep a conversation going. We were able to talk about pretty much anything that we could think of, and it was intelligent and sometimes funny conversation. I couldn’t believe I found someone that had so much in common with me and we were are having a great time getting to know each other. Then one week before the Memorial Day weekend, she asks if I would like to meet her at a street dance in a town halfway between our current cities (I live in Bismarck, ND and she lives in Minot, ND). I said yes and suggested that we also do dinner as well. She loved the idea. From that point up until the date sparks were flying between us during our conversations between that time, as I was giving here plenty of nice compliments about her and she was telling me she was blushing (so all in all a good sign). It seemed clear that she had a lot of interest in me and that I had a lot of interest in her. There was one thing that she did mention before the date and that her friend Beth was coming along. To me this didn’t seem awkward, after all Amber and Beth are best of friends and Amber came along with Beth when she met her guy after doing the online dating. Therefore, in other words Beth was looking after Amber in case I turned out to be a crazy person she met online.
The day of the date finally arrived and I was extremely nervous, but I calmly walked in to the restaurant and looked for her. When I finally spotted her, all the butterflies went away and I was amazed as how stunning she looked. It felt like that the date was going to go well. So we were directed to a table along with her friend Beth. Her friend Beth was asking many questions about me and was directing the conversation (Amber told me she would be as she is a talkative person). We were all able to talk about numerous topics and have a meaningful conversation. I was ok with Beth leading the conversation and that stuff, but I wanted to talk to Amber just by myself. Luckily, I received a chance when some people that Beth knew came up and talked to her. Amber and I were able to carry on a conversation by ourselves. After dinner, I paid for all of our meals and we headed over to the street dance (the street dance was in a separate town so we both drive over in separate vehicles). While we waited for the dance to start (it started later than it was suppose to), we sat around and talked (again with Beth leading the conversation). Beth left for a little bit, and Amber and I had our own conversation, I told that I was so happy that I have met her and she felt the same way. So that dance finally started, and Amber and I danced together a couple of times, and Amber was teaching me how to dance different dances. There was one thing during the date that was bothering a little bit was that Amber seemed somewhat distracted. When Amber had to take a bathroom break, her friend Beth asked if I liked her. I told her that I liked Amber a lot and that but that I thought that Amber did not seemed very interested. Beth assured me that Amber is shy and that she definitely wanted to see me again, so I was a relieved and did not think again about it. Beth left shortly thereafter and Amber and I continued to dance and carry a conversation. At the end of the night, I took Amber to her car and we left holding hands and hugging when we got to her car. We talked a little bit more and started making plans for another date. We both said our goodbyes and went on our separate ways. It seemed like that I hit it out of the ballpark by a mile!
After the date Amber and I were texting and calling each other once and the flirting was heavy. There was one time I texted her and called her darling without evening thinking about it. She said that it was a good thing, so I felt good about it. Later that night I called her and came up with plans for another date in a week and a half from the night I called her. After that we were still heavily flirting at the time. Then that Saturday (it is now June 5 at that point). I get a text with from her saying that she was in Mandan, ND (which is the sister city to Bismarck) and wanted me to come out with her, like on an impromptu date. I said I would love too and me more of her friends. However, she told me that she was with her parents and grandparents. I asked her what she felt about me meeting her parents and she thought it might be a tad early to do that. However, I told her that I would leave the decision up to her; I thought that eventually I would have to meet her parents. She decided to that she wanted me to meet up with her. Therefore, I went over to Mandan to see her. I was even more nervous than the first date so I was a lot quieter than I was the first date and so was she. Her parents asked me questions and I answered them as best as I could without showing my nervousness. There were several times during the night I was able to talk to her alone and have a meaningful conversation like the conversations we had on the first date and compliment her as well. I was able to dance with her for a little bit, but I got the impression that her parents were watching me very closely so my nerves were showing. At the end of the night, we hugged and talked about our plans for the next date and said goodnight. After this date, I felt even more strongly with each other, I would say that was the first night I felt in love with her.
After that night, we were still talking quite a bit but were not as flirting as much, as if she had a lot more stuff on her mind. She was having somewhat a stressful week and I was trying to help her out as much as I can. She seemed to feel a little bit better and when I reminded her of our upcoming date, then her spirits perked up a little bit. Around this time, I found out my grandma was going to have open-heart surgery and was worried about it. She tried her best to comfort me and help me out as I was dealing with it. It felt so reassuring that she care about my well-being. So the day of our third date arrived (this was June 12) and we met at a movie theatre to see the A-Team movie. We had time to talk and seem to carry a nice conversation again, as we have in all the time we have known each other. We then proceed to watch the movie and had a great time watching that. We then went on an impromptu picnic at a park and played basketball for a little bit. Once again we were able to carry on a conversation no problem about our playing days in basketball and such (we had talked about this before but these were entirely new stories we had never mentioned about), we were also able to talk about other stuff no problem. After that, we went to a street dance up in Wilton, ND. There were able to dance quite a bit and she was trying to teach me some new dances. There was some conversation that she was having with one of her kids she worked with in her Youth For Christ group. She mentioned to me that it was a serious Biblical question. I commented that I wish I could help her out, but that I wish I could help her out, but I did not have the resources and expertise to help her out at that immediate point (this is important later on). We were still able to dance around and have a good time. She said that she loved the band as we walked out holding hands. So we arrive to her car, talked for a little bit more, and gave her a hug. I was having strong feelings about her at this point and before she got into her car, I asked if I could give her a kiss goodnight (it was my way of telling her that I love her). She said sure without hesitation and we moved in and kissed. She said after that she was going have good dreams that night. I felt on top of the world! Little did I know that it would come crashing down in a hurry. So last week on Monday and for most of Tuesday the conversation was normal as usual. I mentioned to her that the company I worked was moving within walking distance of my apartment and that I would have more gas money to go up to see her. Then she called me and things started to hit the fan. She told me that she loved spending time with me and such, but didn’t have boyfriend/girlfriend feelings about us. Over the last few days I have asked her why and try to sort things out. Ninety-nine percent of the problem she said that was still not over her last ex, as she did not get the closure that she needed. (She broke up with him in December 2008.) She also mentioned other things that went screwy over previous relationships, but did not go into detail with them. She felt like that all the compliments and gestures I did for here felt like they were too good to be true, as she has had never had a guy do that for her. I reassured that everything that I had done and said was true and from the heart and that I had strong feelings for her. I told about screwy things that have happened to me when it came to dating and such. She said that she felt like a witch for leading me on and thought of me as a great guy and trusted me and such. I told her that we can take a step back and help her with all of her issues so that can she can feel comfortable about dating again and with me. Then I found about the other 1%. Apparently, she has had doubts after our second date. She said it all started because baseball came up a lot during the second date as a baseball game came up quite a bit. (A Minnesota Twins game came up a lot that night and was a conversation topic between me and her parents and grandparents). I told that I was extremely nervous that night (which I was) and that it was something in my comfort zone to keep me from being extremely nervous. Then she brings up the time at the park playing basketball and that we talked about stuff we had already talked about. There might have been some things I repeated, but for the most part, I wall telling her new stories that I had never told her. We have talked a lot about basketball, as it was something we had in common and was one of the reasons why we were interested in each other. She was saying that we should have more we should be able to talk about. This is something that I do not understand considering that we have always been able to talk about anything and continue previous conversations no problem. She also said that I didn’t get her jokes on June 12. I have always gotten her jokes and be able to joke around with her, and she got my jokes early on as well. The other part was the biblical issue. She said that she needed someone to help her with that. Religion never came up at all except as a question on the first date. I admit I am a far from perfect Christian, but I am working on that slowly and I told Amber that. I realize religion is an important part of her life and I would do anything to allow her to keep it an important part of her life and make it a part of mine, not only for her, but for me as well. I have also told her that. She says she feels nothing between us in the romantic sense, but for some reason I do not feel that way and a part of her is like that too, because we were doing so well.
She is a wonderful woman and I feel lucky to have her in my life. I think many of her doubts about me are because of the feelings about her ex. I told her that I want to help her figure things out and be there for her. I have also asked her for a second chance to make things work between us. She did seem somewhat apprehensive about that due to the issues with her ex. However, she said that all this stuff was not fair to me or anyone else; and is not sure if she is ready to date. However, she is willing to talk about stuff once she figures stuff about previous relationship experiences. I will put my strong feelings about her for now, because she needs a friend more than anything else right now. I want her to be more than just a friend, and I feel we can regain the spark that we had. We definitely had chemistry and I am not sure why all these feelings and insecurities came up. I knew she was shy, but I would never expect anything like this. I want to help her out no matter what. We had something special, and I think it is still there. I have issues myself and I am working on them, but I am not sure what I can do to fix the situation between Amber and me. Any help is appreciative.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That was really long post! 😆 But I think you’ve written so much because you’re looking for some clue as to why things didn’t go your way. The answer is really simple — not everyone you date is going to be your cup of tea, and in this case, you weren’t Amber’s cup of tea. When, after the third date, she respectfully told you she wasn’t interested in dating you any more, it would have been better to just leave it at that. Rejection is a gift because it keeps you from wasting your time on someone who isn’t interested, and allows you to move on and find someone who is.

However, you’re not accepting her rejection, so you’re trying to examine minutiae and figure out what went wrong where and how to get her back. You’re not really at a crossroads. You’re at the end of this road.

Save yourself the misery of trying to dredge up a sunken boat, and just move on with your life. You sound like a great guy who will find a terrific woman — just keep looking. Three dates isn’t a terrible investment, and you’re lucky to know where you stand.

I hope that that helps, and that you’ll join me on Facebook at AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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