[LightRay]

Hello April and others!

I looked all over online to seek this answer or advice and couldn’t seem to find an article on this topic on this question. Perhaps you can help me and my girlfriend.

So here it is – My girlfriend and I are great together. When we’re alone, we bond, connect and most of the time are on the same page. When we enter social situations it becomes a very different story. She has the tendency to go into her own world, focus 100% on the other person and just talk excessively, losing focus on the group dynamics. This in turn creates a neediness in myself, as all her energy shifts towards one person (for long periods of time (30minutes to 2hours), which usually results in me feeling uncomfortable, uneasy and eventually a little pissed off. Other than social situations we are really good. Do you have any advice for couples of this context can harmonize in a social situations? We are open with our problems and discuss it a lot. She often says, she doesn’t want to change, which makes me feel even more helpless.

About her & I – She was born an only child and often tells me how she cannot focus on an entire group and only one person and often becomes overly compensating to people in social settings. I was born to a brother & sister and know how to balance conversation in a group, but do have that neediness which comes out. Is it justified to want to engage in a group discussion? Or should i just listen, shutup and hear her talk for 1 hour? THANK YOU and really appreciate any help!!!

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you want her to change her behavior…. but the better way to handle this situation is to change your own. 😉 For instance, you can let her know how you feel when she talks to a single person at a party, for so long, that she shuts you out. Focus on how you feel when you’re with her in group situations. You can suggest that she set a timer so that she isn’t engaged with one person for more than 10 minutes at a time — if she needs a timer! That way she can be aware of ignoring you and excuse herself to check in with you. Once she makes herself aware of “keeping it moving” at a party, and circulating, which is a skill good party-goers master, she’ll become more able to move on to group conversations.

Another way to help her is to be her timer! You can agree ahead of time, that you’ll interject yourself into her conversations at the 10 minute mark, and that will be her cue to exit the conversation she’s having with someone else, simply to check in with you — hug and kiss, get a fresh drink or simply regroup with you.

The trick here is for her to value your feelings more than her own party behavior and to want to make changes — enough to actually make them, not just say she will.

I hope that helps!

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