[simplysingle]

I’m too old to be playing these games, but I’m obviously incredibly immature when it comes to relationships. I’m 37 and I met this incredible guy online about a week ago. We had a great time and he called me the next day to ask me out again. I loved that because I hate the waiting game. The second date, the guy really impressed me- He’s great at EVERYTHING he does (and he has done a lot of things in his life), is financially stable, creative,can fix anything, builds everything, is incredibly intelligent, and we have a similar career path. He has a kid, but wants another one, this time he wants to do it right and have a family. I was sold. I wanted to take it slow, but the chemistry was heavy, and I ended up sleeping with him the 2nd date. The next morning he called me (again- major brownie points), and invited me on an awesome date a few days later. That weekend I was going on a trip to get some work done and invited him (which I later regretted). Even though he accepted, the next day he said he couldn’t make it because it was Father’s day and he was going to spend it with his kid. Later, we talked and he told me that HIS father would be in the same area I was going to, and that he could drive there with me, spend a few days together and then have Father’s day brunch with his father and partner. I agreed but felt very anxious and nervous. I have never met the parents of anyone so this kind of freaked me out.
Cut to- the drive there, he talked about so many things that I didn’t know much about, and I began to feel intellectually inferior- like I couldn’t challenge him and he’d lose interest. We had sex once while we were there and the one night we were together, he went to bed around 9. At this point I started freaking out.
Next day’s brunch was ok, although I felt him distant. He did give me a decent kiss before he returned with his father. We spoke that night, but he made some comment about being paranoid when I jokingly asked if his father and him talked sh-t about me on their way back home. This irked me since in the past when I have been suspicious about exes cheating on me they called me paranoid, only to find out they were cheating on me- Women’s intuition.
At this point, I believe I began the process of sabotaging any future possibility with him. That night I wrote an email telling him I was more catious than paranoid and that I was just a little insecure with the situation of meeting his dad because I had never done that. The following night he called me, but I sensed something was off. I told him that things had moved really fast and he agreed. I told him that whatever he wants to do, to just be open and honest with me. I didn’t want him to feel like I was constricting him, so I told him I was aware we were both on-line dating and realistic about not having anything established between us, but if he was type to have multiple sexual partners and he chooses to have sex with someone, to please let me know. The reason I said this was because we had unprotected sex (I know, I know) and I wasn’t sure if he did this with everyone. It was a health precaution and it was just a request for respecting my well being. I told him that for myself, I can only sleep with one person at one time, but this doesn’t mean he should feel tied down to me. I was just asking for honesty. He told me that he wasn’t really interested in seeing anyone else, and at the end of the conversation agreed to meet the following weekend for an art exhibit.
The following day, I saw he was online trolling (the previous week he didn’t, and he has been online everynight this week). All my friends told me to just lay off, play off the “freak out” phone conversation. Last night I texted him, “Is it too late to call?”
No response. He called today and left a vm, “Sorry I missed your text..I was NOT asleep.” What does that mean. I called back but it went straight to email. A little later I texted if he had a second to talk. He called back, and we talked about some business of his. Since I was on a work break, I had to cut it off, but told him that our conversation the other night was weird and I apologized. I reiterated the whirlwind of a week I had (including other stressful situations he was aware of) but it had all calmed down and I realized I had just overreacted. He thanked me. I asked, “So are we still on for Sunday?” Long pause…..he said he had run into a friend who was giving a reading for their book at 3 pm that day and asked if I wanted to go. I told him sure, but I think maybe he was being polite.
All my girlfriends tell me that he is nice enough to give me a second chance after the “freakout phone conversation” and now just play it cool when we meet; be flirty and not to bring up anything heavy or the conversation from before. Nevertheless, I have this gut feeling he’s going to flake on me last minute or break it all off if we do meet. I spoke with my guy friend who told me that I should cut my losses and not even answer the phone if he does call, because I f-cked up the whole thing early on. Now, he’s just playing me perhaps to feed his ego and my buddy told me to save any little dignity I have and not call or respond if he contacts me, but rather lick my wounds and learn.
I’m very conflicted. I really do like this guy and he seemed genuine in the beginning, but I think my insecurities about being hurt, having sex too soon, making myself too available by calling, etc, ruined any and all chances. What advice would you give to me? Should I take my guy friends’ advice or that of my girlfriends. Did I really ruin any chance of starting over with him, I did I do everything wrong to come across as needy, insecure etc.? Please help me get perspective and do the right thing.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your girlfriends are wrong. Your guy friend is right; You blew it 😳 And I’m really sorry to say this to you because it’s going to sound so harsh, but you blew it on so many steps along the way, my mind is boggled. 😯 I’m really glad you’re here, because I can help you — if you are really willing to make some changes. So let me try and spell it out for you:

1. IMMEDIATELY, buy and read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] that you can buy on the link I’ve just provided or on the websites for Barnes & Noble or Amazon — but I’d recommend the automatic download so you can start reading NOW!

2. Don’t ever sleep with a guy you meet online within days of meeting him and not use protection. 😮

3. Don’t assume that a guy you’ve met online is not dating other women online — even if he says he’s not. You just met him. You don’t know him.

4. Don’t invite a guy you met online, the week you met him, to go away for a weekend with you. You shouldn’t be doing the inviting. You don’t know him and it could be unsafe. And you’re rushing things.

5. Don’t invite a single father away for a weekend on Father’s Day. It shows disregard for his relationship with his son.

6. Stop being so aggressive in calling him, e-mailing him and texting him. Of course he’s not going to chase you — he can’t! You’re doing all the chasing.

7. If he doesn’t call or text or e-mail — it means he doesn’t want to. Don’t push him. It’s a lot better to observe his behavior so you know where you stand. Instead, you’re trying to steer things on a course they’re not naturally on.

I hope that you don’t see this just as me being harsh, but instead really try to learn some things so you can date successfully! And I do hope you’ll read my book, Think & Date Like A Man — it will help you when you’re ready to accept help. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[simplysingle]

Thank you. Not harsh at all. It’s hard to break all these ingrained patterns, even though intellectually I know what I’m doing is wrong on so many levels. I’ll check out the book. Figuring out whether I should just take the path of non-action, or continue with the action and tell him I’m done.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help! 😀

If you’re still figuring out whether to do nothing or contact him — the former is a much better decision for you! You will benefit from the discipline of not contacting someone. I know it’s hard for you, but the more you practice it, the more you’ll get good at it.

It’s kind of silly to call someone who isn’t call you to tell him it’s over. Don’t call. 🙂

[Member]

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