[MariaFree1977]

Hi,

I am in desperate need for advice. I met my boyfriend through a friend on Facebook. I live in Holland he lives in America. We have a relationship. He told me that he loved a girl once, 8 years ago, he was madly in love with her. They had contact through the phone and the had sex once. After that she left and he could not find her anymore. He fell into a depression, and he used to dream of her. After meeting me, and me being there with him, his dreams about her stopped. Now recently he is distant from me. Always seems busy and not feeling that i am a priority. He invited me to an older facebook account that he had. He recently added a woman that has his ex as a mutual friend. I am very fearful that he will contact her and going back to her. Who can help me in telling me what to do. She never search for him, he did everything to find her. I found her quit easily in a couple of days time. I asked her to please listen to him, because back then he really wanted to talk to her. And she read my message and complaint to Facebook and i could not use my own facebook for a month. She did not try to find him. And i am worried. What do i do? Will she be interested in him again? Will he go back to her? Will it work this time for them? Will he come back to me if it isn’t what he expected? How do i act now towards him? I told him i was afraid he would go back to her. And he said to me i am making big things out of small things. Do i keep telling him that i love and need him? Do i distant myself from him? Do i ignore him? Do i let him experiment with her to see if she is still the one he loved back then? What do i do. Please help me

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First, fill me in a little more about the relationship you have with your boyfriend:

* How old are you both?

* How long have you been dating?

* Have you ever had an in person date?

* How often do you see each other?

I’ll give you more advice after you let me know these answers.

[MariaFree1977]

* How old are you both? 
He is 38 and so am i
* How long have you been dating?

We know each other for 2,5 years and officially dating since 2 years. When I came to be with him in April we bought rings and promised to stay with each other. I went back in September and left in October, to go back to Holland.

* Have you ever had an in person date? 

His family totally loves me and I got accepted into the family.

* How often do you see each other? 

We use to Skype, but due to internet problems we whatsap now and at times Facebook

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Have you ever had an in-person date?

[MariaFree1977]

I first met him in person in real in April. I stayed a month with him, and the love was already strong, and we became inseperateble. He even cried when I had to go back to holland. He became depressed and homeless, and lived in his car for awhile, until after talking to him to please get a home, that his sister helped him to find his current home. I was so worried that I came back in September. And I stayed a month also this time. His daughter stayed with us, we spend a lot if time with his family, I met his ex wife etc. And I had to go back. I can’t go back sooner then June at the earliest. And he can’t fly. He has a disability and needs a stick to walk. So we had an in person relationship.

He met a woman in 2007 an American woman. And they talked on the phone for months and had a 1 time sexual encounter. They called on the phone and she thought they were breaking, and dissapeared. He looked for years, and thought she was his soulmate. She seemed to have had a 1 sexual ebounyer with his brother, and after they lost contact, he heard that she was going to get married to another man. And she lives in his state. I tried to tell him that he might have loved her more then she loved him. Otherwise she could have easily found him. And I found her really quick on facebook. I send her a private message saying that he was looking for her, to talk about what happend back then. She read my message and complained at facebook and the deactivated my account for a month. Another sign for me that she doesn’t want anything to do with him. On the one hand I want him to talk to her, to close that chapter. And on the other hand know that he might still have a weakspot for her, and what if he takes her back and she breaks his heart again?

I just want him to choose me, and what we build together. I lived with him 2 months. 2 times a month. And we were living like we were doing so forever. Can you help me? For me, I am a monogamous girl. I do not fall in love fast, and I love him more then I have ever loved a man. I want to marry this man

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it!

So, you’re 38, and have been dating this guy long-distance for two and a half years, and you’re anxious because he isn’t making a commitment to you. This other woman isn’t really the problem…. he is. 😳 At your ages, after dating two and a half years, it would seem he’d propose marriage or ask you to live with him or want to make some concrete plans, and because he hasn’t, you’re anxious, and you’re trying to control and manipulate situations so that you can make it easier for him to commit to you. The thing is, he has to be the one who wants the commitment. Do you know what’s holding him back from wanting a commitment with you?

[MariaFree1977]

He has a disability. He got into a accident at work and damaged his spine. he can’t work anymore. That was 7 years ago. He doesn’t have a lot of money and he has a 17 year old special needs child that suffers from epilepsy. Me immigrating to America is a problem. Due to the fact he doesn’t make the minimal amount of money that the America goverment asks, for an individual to bring their foreign partner to America. Every day for him is a bit of a struggle. He never knows how he feels when he wakes up. Recently since his ex knows I have been there, and that I have been back with him. She tried all the time to send their daughter to stay with us. And that is no problem. Only she determines when, where etc. So that month that I was there, his ex called him on the phone all of the time, asking when his friend was going to leave to Holland. And I know he loves his daughter and I love her too. We decided not to have a child of our own. He is afraid we would have another special needs child, and physically would be to much for him. He would not be able to carry the child or take care of it when I need to go to work. He would be the one looking after the child. From when I was first there, we talked about our future. We bought rings together, not wedding rings, commitment rings, promising each other we would stay together (we can only get married if we are qualified). And he told everybody I was his fiancee. And when I got home I started to look how to immigrate. We did the rings in April, I went back in September. All was fine. And when I got back in October, he didn’t have as much time as before. Normally he would get his daughter every other weekend, and now he got her every weekend and Mondays, the whole Christmas break 3 weeks and new years and her birthday. He has had her almost every day, and if he didn’t have her, his ex would make him go bring her to school. Always when his daughter leaves, he needs a couple of says to gain his physical health back to be normal again. And he never had his daughter with Xmas as long as she exists. His ex is sending their daughter all of the time. And I can’t say anything about it. I am not married to him yet. And I don’t live with him. He tells me that he feels he is making me unhappy, and that it feels horrible. But he makes me truly happy. It is hard fighting for my own place, for my own time. He asked me from the earliest beginning, why I loved him. That he can’t be a physical by going places, physical in the bedroom, or that we wouldn’t be able to go on vacations. That we would not have it easy financially. And I know, we can live on his income, we need to budget but we can manage. And when I live with him. I would be the one working.

What can you do to advice me.

I told him I needed a break on Thursday, that I needed a week for myself. And he said that he understood, that he hoped I would sleep good and think of my health, and that he was overwhelmed by his daughter being there as often as she is. And that this would be his last message to me until the week was over. Yesterday he send me s message, saying the he didn’t speak to his ex since 2008, that he hasnt been sexual or intimate with another woman since me, that he didn’t even speak to her since 2008 nor with any other woman since me. And that he didn’t know if I got his previous message stating that he would not contact me until the week was over, to consider his previous message as not send and this was his last message. And I didn’t respond. Not the be cruel, but if I would have reacted then he would have written again and then the whole purpose of getting an mental and emotional break would be for nothing. I had a very bad week where I worried that I got physical problems. I needed a break from my head. And yesterday he send me another message, and I could only read that much without opening it. Saying he understood I needed a week of, and that he didn’t expect a response, he only wanted me to know…… And that was as far as I could read.

He is the love of my life. And he worries about everything. And I had a bad life, due to health problems and the way my life was overall. And I do not care about luxury, I truly love him for him, and when I am with him I do not notice his disability. We are a good team, and everything goes by itself.

What can you suggest?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The bottom line is that if he wants to marry you, he’ll propose marriage and set a date. He hasn’t. Everything else is simply a distraction from that one fact. When he wants to marry you, he will — but I don’t think he really wants to. 😳

[Member]

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