[coco]

Hi,
I am becoming increasingly distressed with a situation regarding my boyfriend and need an outside opinion as to whether I am right to be bothered or not.
We are in our late 20s and have been togther for one year and consider ourselves in a serious, long-term relationship. He is mediterranean and lives in London, as do I, although we do not live together.
My issue is that he has a large group of single female friends (approx 10) in his home country and I am uncomfortable with the friendships he has with them. I have met most of them while I was over visiting and did not get the impression that any of them were interetsed romantically and nor do I think he is interested in any of them. Therefore, my issue is not jealousy. They are pleasant, friendly and appear to be happy for him.
He met them about 4 years ago via mutual (male) friends and have maintained friendships with them even though the other male friends no longer keep in close contact with them.
He is regaular contact with them via email, skype etc and when he goes home to visit he meets them for several dinners, i.e. he will go out on his own with 10 single females. Again, as I say it is not a jealousy issue, but I feel something isn’t quite right with a male (with a serious gf) having so many female friends and simply for an attached man (or single for that matter) going out socially with a group of females alone. Most of his male friends (from a different socail circle) have gfs and they do not behave in this way. Nor do any of my friends.

Also, a few things have happened lately which have bothered me including the following:
– One of them wanted to come to London to visit (alone), she did not know anyone except my bf and he let her come, without asking if I was ok with that. He took her out sightseeing and for dinner without me. He arranged one evening with other people for me to come along.
– Another came for a day and he said we would go together to meet her. On the day he told me she wanted to see him alone and that she was shy. He went alone. I don’t feel she had a right to tell him his gf could not come and he should not have let her dictate where he brought his gf.
– They have given him gifts which do not include me. I think that when someone is in a couple, you should have the gift include both people and not give someone elses bf a gift. He does not give gifts in return.
– He always meet female friends when they are in town visiting and when a male friend (whom he calls his best friend and sees very rarely) was in town he couldn’t find time to meet him.

In general he becomes defensive or competley ignores my questions (if over text) if I remotely mention anything untoward about the situation (simply asking why they gave a gift for example) and I have yet to bring this up as an actual issue so he should not be defensive over such simple questions. Yet, whenever we have had issues in the past which I have brought up to discuss (just to communicate and not break up with him) he becomes extremley emotional, crying etc saying he does not want us to finish, telling me how much he cares about me. Then, he can completely ignore a simple question regarding one of these female friends which is completely out of character, which only confuses me.

I do not understand why any man would want to socialise with females to this degree on their own. As far as I am aware, he is neither gay nor a gigilo. He does not flirt with them , or them with him. He has had no romatic relationships with any of them at any time.

I feel that as a serious gf, I should be his main source of female company (except mother and sister of course) and feel he should be backing away from such friendships (as in not being so available for them) now he is not single. Furthermore, I feel they should be treating us more as a couple and not continuing to treat him as their single male friend and it appears to me.

I would not like to ask him to cut them out of his life totally, but perhaps that he could not socialse with them as the only male and not have himself at their dispoal as readily as it appears to me.

Am I right to be bothered by this set up even though I am not jealous? And if so, how do I bring this up with him?

As far as the rest of the relationship is concerned, it is very good and we are happy. This is one sticking point for me and I would not like to break up with someone over something I am not even jealous about but I cannot shake my annoyance.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right. He’s not acting like someone who’s in a serious relationship with you. The problem is, he’s always been like this since you’ve started dating him, so for you to expect him to behave differently is unrealistic of [i]you[/i]. 😕One of the things I talk about in Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], are the signs that a man is serious about you. One of those signs is that he ACTS like he’s in a couple and starts going out with you and other couples — not singles. Your boyfriend isn’t serious about you. He likes having you around, but he’s not going to change his lifestyle for you.

Cut your losses and move on. This guy isn’t ready to be serious with you the way you’d like him to be. If you stay with him, you’re going to make an issue out of something he won’t change. The result will be animosity towards each other. 🙁

I hope you’ll buy Think & Date Like A Man and read it. You’ll see the other signs that a man is serious about you, and you’ll get a lot of valuable hints and advice on dating in this relationship and in general! You can buy the book at the link above (it downloads automatically) or on the websites for Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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