[claireWarner]

Hi April!

I”ve been dating my boyfriend for about a month now and he’s great in every way. He’s the most thoughtful and affectionate boyfriend I’ve ever had and we always have a great time when we’re together. I never feel like he is disinterested in me when we are hanging out and talking in person. The only problem is that he has mentioned before that he doesn’t like texting.

We still text every day. I usually text him first but try to text him often because I remembered him mentioning he doesn’t like it. I purposely tried not to be too clingy and be one of those girlfriends who texts constantly. He always answers back and seems interested in the conversation and occasionally says sweet things via text message, so I didn’t think my texting was an issue.

He recently brought up again how he doesn’t like texting and he doesn’t want to make me mad by not responding but that “i text him more than he is used to.” He said he would rather save some conversations for when we are together in person and that it isn’t anything personal. it’s Just the fact that he is not an avid texter and he doesn’t want it to upset me.

I just find it sort of odd because I didn’t think I texted him that often and even though I am not a huge texter either, I still like to hear from him occasionally throughout the day. I just like to know what he’s doing sometimes, tell him random things, etc. I never thought I was being over the top. He said he still wants me to text him every day, just not that often because sometimes he doesn’t know what to say and he’s not good at making conversation through text message.

While I am happy that he was honest about this and told me how he was feeling, I can’t help but feel a little hurt that he doesn’t like receiving texts from me. I’m kind of confused now on how to approach this because I don’t want to text too much and annoy him, but I don’t want to go long periods of time without speaking to him. He doesn’t act like he is losing interest in me when we are together in person. I just feel weird not hearing from him all day on days when we aren’t seeing each other. Is it normal for guys to not like texting or is this behavior normal for a guy?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s letting you know his feelings, which is good — and while you both feel differently about texting, relationships are about compromise. 😉 Whether it’s texting, sex, seeing friends or family — you’re not going to agree on everything. So in regard to texting, one way you can make a compromise is to text half as much as you are used to. But my advice is to take his lead and stop initiating texts, instead getting to know him and his way of communicating. Right now, he wants to look forward to talking to you, and if you’re texting as much as you are, he feels that the communication is cheapened. Not everyone feels this way, but he does, and if there is a lot that’s going right in the relationship, decide that this is not a hill you’re going to die on. In other words, this isn’t a battle to wage with him. Let this text difference between the two of you go. Don’t turn it into something it shouldn’t be, and get to know him as you continue dating.

In addition, if he sees that you’re making compromises and sacrifices for him, it will be easier for him to do the same for you when things area gain, different between the two of you on some other topic. 🙂

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[claireWarner]

Thanks so much for the reply! I definitely wasn’t going to start an argument over such a small little detail but I was kind of stressed out since I didn’t know if I should text him and what texts would be worthy. However, it all solved itself since he has been initiating all the text convos for the past few days. I think he just doesn’t like random chatter for the sake of chatting and only liked to text when we actually have something to say which I can understand. Thank you!

[Nate_OK]

Thanks for sharing this.
I think it’s great he made an effort to text you more than he used to. But once again, forcing a guy is not a good way to get something out of him. It seems to be important for him as he mentioned it twice so I think you need to have a compromise with him. The important thing is that he wants to share things with you in person.
He should understand that sometimes you like receiving some texts of him and you should understand that text doesn’t mean that much to him. Find the right frequency: three times a week?
Compromise.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Everything that [b]Nate_OK[/b] wrote — I second!

Glad it worked out, and glad to be of help to you. 😀

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[claireWarner]

My boyfriend recently broke up with me because a lot of unfortunate things happened to him all at once. He lost his job, has many student loans to pay, and his bandmate just quit his band (they were currently in the process of getting signed with a record deal and recording an album and with him out of the picture, this is totally ruined). He told me that his life is in shambles and he has no idea what he is going to do now. He said he needs to regroup his life before being with anyone.

When he lost his job, I helped him pay for things like food, cigarettes, etc. when I went to visit him. Other than these life issues, there were no problems with the relationship and I felt that we were very happy together. He told me that he felt guilty that I had to pay for things and deal with his issues.

When he broke up with me, he didn’t want me out of his life and wanted to still talk to me. I quickly realized that this was not a good idea because if we could not be together, I did not want to stick around as a friend. It hurt too much. He still continued to talk to me all throughout the day even though we were broken up and it was very hard for me.

When I told him that I did not wish to continue our friendship, he seemed upset/surprised that I did not wish to talk to him anymore. I feel completely broken now because I have gone two days without talking to him at all. It kills me because I wish I could talk to him but I am the one who told him we cannot be friends.

What do you think I should do about this? Is there any hope here or should I just cut him out of my life completely ?

Thank you for your help.

We are both 23 years old and have been dating for seven months.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you made the right decision. If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you any more, there’s no point in your being there as a friend. It keeps you from feeling single, and that keeps you from finding someone new. I know it’s hard because you’ve been together for seven months, and it probably feels like cold turkey to quit him like this, even though he’s the one who broke up with you, but it’s really the best thing for you in the long run. In the meantime, when you feel lonely, or feel like talking to him, keep a roster of friends, family and activities that you can reach out to and for, instead. This will help you get through the break up. It’s a transition, and there is no easy to way or short cut, no matter how you slice it. But if you do take the break up head on, and deal with it directly, it will pass more quickly, and you’ll be more wholeheartedly ready for love with someone who’s right for you. 😉

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[claireWarner]

Is it foolish of me to think that we can possibly still be together someday? I feel like he still has interest in me since he wants to still talk to me and maybe when he gets a job or things start to get better in his life, we can fix things?

I just have such a hard time figuring out how the relationship can simply end due to stupid circumstances beyond our control. I feel like they if we work on it, we can maybe fix things?

I’m not sure if i’m being stupid here. But there was so much that we were looking forward to doing together in the summer and it honestly kills me to just throw it away. 😐

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you just did a 180 degree turn since you were clear with the break up in your last post, but now you seem to be having second thoughts…. I’ll answer your questions one at a time to try and give you clarity. 😉

[quote]Is it foolish of me to think that we can possibly still be together someday? [/quote]

It’s not foolish. But you have to decide what you want in a relationship. If someone is going to react to stress by walking out, they’re not going to be there for you when the going gets tough. That’s a character issue. It’s easy to be together when things are easy and fun, but long term relationships have challenges that aren’t sexy or fun — like job loss, illness, in-laws, family issues, kids, etc. So decide if this is someone you really want to be with in the future. And if it is, it sounds like he’ll be back when things are easy, but he’ll be looking for an exit door when they’re not. 😉

[quote]I feel like he still has interest in me since he wants to still talk to me and maybe when he gets a job or things start to get better in his life, we can fix things? [/quote]

What is it you need to fix? And why can’t you fix those things now?

[quote]I just have such a hard time figuring out how the relationship can simply end due to stupid circumstances beyond our control. I feel like they if we work on it, we can maybe fix things?[/quote]

The relationship didn’t end because of circumstances beyond your control. 😉 They ended because one of you wanted it to end. This is less complicated than you think it is.

[quote]I’m not sure if i’m being stupid here. But there was so much that we were looking forward to doing together in the summer and it honestly kills me to just throw it away. 😐[/quote]

It sounds like you’re not the one who “threw it away”…. he did. It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one to end it. 😳

I hope that helps.

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