[blondie123]

After 9 months of dating, i recently found out that my boyfriend lied to me about what he had done sexually/romantically in the past. He was involved with a friends with benefits situation, as well as a drunken hookup, and he was ashamed of both of these which is why he did not tell me. I do not care what went on in the past, because i have my own as well, but i am struggling with the fact that i spent our entire relationship thinking that i was his first sexual relationship, when in reality he was more experienced than he let on. He told me he had only made-out in the past and i did not care about that. In reality, there was touching involved as well. We were both each other’s first in terms of actual sex, which i know for a fact. I feel like this shouldn’t bother me this much, but i feel foolish for thinking the wrong thing and dislike being lied to. I don’t think i would feel so hurt had he told me right off the bat, because i was very honest about my sexual history. But now i feel stupid in a way for thinking that i was his first, because he let it go on when it wasn’t the truth. I love him very much and don’t want things to end at all, i am just confused and feeling a little insecure now. And i worry that in the future when we are doing things with one another, all i am going to be able to think about is the fact that i wasn’t his first for these other aspects besides sex. I don’t feel as special anymore. I understand he was trying to protect me by not telling me, because he was afraid that he’d hurt me and i would break up with him, and that he was ashamed about his past, but i am having a hard time getting over this. He has told me now exactly what happened, but i find myself wanting to hurt him in the same way he hurt me by telling him in detail about my past, because i really did not enjoy hearing about his. i know this is wrong but it is just how i am feeling and i really want things to go back to normal and for me to get that trust back and for our sexual relationship not to suffer as a result of learning this. any suggestions would be much appreciated!

[peachalexandra2011]

well i dont know what to tell you, but I know it hurt what he told you in the past and he lie to you 🙁 when people are in a relationship they shouldnt lie to you but be honest with you. Idk, maybe it was hard for him to tell you what he has done probably because he felt ashame. But to me maybe you should let go of his past and give him another shot bwt each other without lying to you, tell him to be honest with himself. 😀

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[blondie123]

i’m 18, hes 19

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It’s hard to trust someone who’s lied to you — especially about something that is important to you. In your case it’s his sexual past. Trust is earned back over time. It’s earned back when there is a lot of truth telling in circumstances where lies would be easier to say.

Whether or not you can forgive him and get over his lie is up to you. Decide if you’re more angry about the lie or about the difference in your sexual pasts. If it’s the latter, I think you can possibly begin to trust him again if there have been no other lies in the nine months you’ve been dating. Of course, you may feel incompatible because his sexual past is important to you in a special way, but at least you’ll know why he lied and you can decide if you think he’s going to lie again. However, if it’s the lie that you’re angry about and not so much the difference between your pasts, that’s different. People lie to manipulate the truth for their immediate benefit. Chronic liars don’t care about the future as much as they do the present, and they aren’t good partners because the future is always uncertain with them.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go for you, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[blondie123]

Thanks for the advice. We’ve been talking a lot about things and this was the only lie he’s ever told me (which is probably why it was such a surprise) but judging by how upset he’s been with himself, i don’t think he’ll ever do it again because he knows it only makes things worse. He was upset to the point that i felt bad for bringing it up when i wanted to know something because it only made him hate himself more, but he has promised me that i deserve to know anything that i want to, and if it helps me heal then he will do anything. He was in a period of pretty bad depression when he did these things in the past, before i knew him, and i would never judge him for it. He has not had any depression in the time i’ve known him, and i think what made this hard for me is because he’s done everything else better than i ever could imagine in our relationship, so finding out he’s not perfect, even though it is very realistic to make mistakes in relationships, had to change my view. We have a really good sex life and i know it is because things are meaningful for him now, which they never were for either of us in past relationships. I can’t be jealous about things in his past because i wasn’t there and it was before he met me. He is definitely not a chronic liar, and he talks everyday about how lucky he is to have me and how much he hopes he’s in my future and i’ve never doubted him on that.

When i wrote to you i was just in a bit of shock and didn’t really know what to do and wanted an outside opinion. But the situation is getting better (although it does not help that we are in a long-distance relationship for school, because with things like this, it is hard not to be able to be with each other) and i’ve realized that i need to separate his mistake from insecurities that surfaced as a result of it, and i think it will only make us stronger as a couple to deal with something like this.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I’m very glad that things are going better for you and your future together looks bright. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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