[txheart]

I’m 21 and my boyfriend is two years older than me and we’ve been in a relationship for a bit over 6 months now. We knew eachother for a few years beforehand so we know each other very well. The relationship is great, we spend lots of time together, we love each other and he’s incredibly caring and sweet, however the problem is that we still haven’t had sex yet and he doesn’t seem to be interested in it. I know a lot of his friends say they don’t understand how he got a girl like me, as he’s not the best looking guy but he has such a great personality.
To begin with I figured he was just nervous so that’s why it never happened, then I had some issues with contraception (side effects), but now I’ve finally got the contraception issues sorted and we still aren’t having sex. I make obvious hints and jokes about it and have tried to initiate it, but then all I hear is “we should probably get some sleep” or something along those lines. The only night that he was remotely interested in something recently I was so sick there was no way I could have. I don’t want to seem pushy about it or too forward, but we’ve both had sex with other people in the past so I don’t understand why it’s so difficult?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s time to have a gentle, honest talk with him about what’s going on, and what’s not going on, and why. There may be a misunderstanding or something else you can’t possibly imagine, that you want to give him the opportunity to talk to you about. Talk to him during the day, away from the bedroom, and don’t accuse or put him on the defensive. Instead, simply tell him that this is awkward for you to bring up, but you feel so close to him that it seems like an important step in your relationship and you hope he’ll talk to you about why you’re not having sex, or if there’s something you can do to make him feel less uncomfortable about it. In other words, ask open questions, not “Why aren’t we having sex?” or “Why haven’t you made a move?”. Instead, say, “I was wondering about sex with us, and hoping maybe you could tell me how you feel about it.” Basically, you want to get the conversation started, and yes, you’ll feel uncomfortable, but having this talk will open the channel of communication that is not open now, and it will bring you closer together.

Let me know how things go.

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[txheart]

So I finally talked to him. I did do it in bed but I was on my period so I knew nothing could happen then and there anyway. He said its nothing to do with me and he’s just very insecure about it all, and it’s just a problem with him that he’ll just have to work on. I was heaps supportive and said that we’d work on it together and everything. This talk was about 2 weeks ago and since then I haven’t tried to pressure him at all (my period lasted for 2 weeks and only just finished today) but I said how about we take things slow and I give him a blow job? Then he said he wasn’t feeling well so another night.. I bring it up a few nights later and he says “how about on the weekend when we have a few drinks?” It gets to the weekend and things just keep getting in the way, and nothing’s changed. I know he’s nervous and anxious but I have no idea how to handle this or make it easier for him. It makes it difficult for me to be the one to make all the moves because I have insecurities myself and it feels shit when he just makes up excuses.

What can I do? 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good for you for having the talk, and for gently following through on what the two of you talked about. Unfortunately, at his age, 23, this is no longer your problem. It’s his. And it doesn’t sound like he’s considering your feelings as much as he’s considering his own. I know you’re focusing on this as his problem, and you’re wanting to be very gentle and supportive and care giving, but my advice is that you move on. When one person in the relationship has a problem and doesn’t take care of it — whether it’s obesity, drug addiction or fear of sex — there’s only so much YOU can do about it. If he’s not willing to take care of himself, he can’t take care of you and he can’t take care of the relationship.

I’m sorry that this may come as disappointing news to you, but after a year of dating, at his age, you’ve got a very clear picture of who he is and what he brings to the relationship, and this refusal to deal with this problem is going to translate to other issues in the future. 😳 The good news is that you have an opportunity to make decisions about the relationship with more information than you had a month or two ago. 😉 Your move.

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