[ccronje96]

My boyfriend (22) and I (19) have been together for 3 months now, but we were unofficially dating for 2 months before that. So after 5 months, we’re pretty serious about each other in a way that we both know we want to spend our futures together. The problem comes in because he has a female best friend (25), who helped him through some tough times last year, before I even knew him. They’ve been best friends since (more than a year). They used to hang out almost every single day back then, and he told me they once drunkenly kissed but it was awkward for the both of them. A while ago I asked him if he’s ever been in love with her, because of how often he talks about her and the WAY he talks about her. He said he has been, but it’s nothing compared to what he feels for me and that the feelings are in the past. I believe him with that, but we’ve been having arguements because at the moment I’m not comfortable with how often they hang out (even though I must admit, he doesn’t hang out with her every single day like before we met). We’re in a middle distance relationship and only see each other during the weekend, whereas they live close to each other and can hang out whenever they want.. The thing about her is, she’s very needy and manipulative (her boyfriend recently left her because of this, and now she’s actually using it as a reason to get my boyfriend to hang out with her often because “she can’t be alone”). A few times I’ve gone to visit him on the weekend, she’d call in distress and he’d have to leave to go comfort her. I’ve let him go each time because I don’t want to seem like the bad guy, because I know just how important it is for him to be there for his friends (He’s a VERY outgoing, kind and caring person. In fact, he gives too much of himself, and people, like this friend, take advantage of it). The last arguement we had was horrible, because he says he has been hanging out with her less (more like 3 times a week now) and yet I am STILL uncomfortable with the hold she has over him. He said it feels like I’m trying to change who is (in regards to the kind, supportive friend he is) but it’s not, all I’m asking for is some sort of compromise when it comes to her, because I feel like she’s intruding on our relationship. She even once told him that she hates how she only gets to see him those few days a week now (untrue AND HELLO, he’s a friend, not her boyfriend!?), that he’s not there for her during her break up like she was there for him last year during his tough time and that she’s having trouble sympathising with our short relationship cutting into their longer friendship. I don’t know what to do, because I love him so much and I know that I will do everything I can to be with him, even suck up this pain and misery if I absolutely have to, but first I want to ask for some advice. He’s one of the most important things in my life, I DON’T want to change him, I love him for who he is, but I just feel like he’s so unwilling to do something about this issue and it breaks my heart..

[AskApril Masini]

When a guy’s words and actions don’t match up — always trust his actions. The fact that he would leave you to go attend to her, is very disrespectful. If you’re his girlfriend, it would’ve made more sense for him to take you with him if she was truly having an emergency. And his seeing her three times a week indicates that they have a relationship — regardless of how you want to label it.

The good news is that dating is the process where you get to know someone, and I always suggest you use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating that person, and the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. You’re definitely getting to know him, and I understand that you don’t like the relationship he has with this other woman — but rather than create ultimatums and express your displeasure, decide that you want to win him over — or…. that you’re really not interested in dating someone who has a relationship with another woman. Your choice.

If she’s always going to be in his life, and you still want him, then my advice is to be the girlfriend he wants to please so much that she pales in comparison. In other words, compete. And if that’s not your thing, then accept that this is who he is, and it’s not your thing, which makes the two of you incompatible.

Love is great, but compatibility is what makes or breaks relationships. You can have strong feelings for someone who has a lifestyle that doesn’t work for you, and that’s what this may be.

Hope that helps!

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