[Jennymurdoch]

Hi April,

So my boyfriend and I broke up about 4 weeks ago. We were together for almost 2 years. He broke up with me and the reasoning behind the break up was my fault due to my actions through drinking too much. He said he’d had enough and couldn’t do it anymore. Which was fair enough and I accepted that because I knew it was my own doing. I was heartbroken for days and days I had no appetite literally couldn’t eat even if I wanted to and just uncontrollably cried from morning till night. Over that period we had very little contact other than sorting out accounts and cancelling holidays etc. After him telling me there was absolutely no way he could ever be with me again I gave up any hope of us getting back together and decided to pick myself up and get on with things. I cut all contact with him which was a hard thing to do. But I knew I had to do it for my own sanity. So going forward I took a bit of a plunge and went on a date just to get him out of my head and try and focus on work and socialising with friends and seeing what was out there.

My ex then contacted me a few days later and I could tell he was just looking for any old excuse to speak to me. Asking if he had stuff at mine which he knew he didn’t and just trying to make general conversation with me. My head was all over the place so I asked him what he actually wanted. And things got deep and he still said he could never be with me he just misses speaking to me. So again I cut all contact because I felt it was far too soon for us to even be on speaking terms.

So another 4 days went by with no contact and he messaged me again. Explaining he wanted to see me it had been the hardest week of his life not speaking to me and that he just wanted to spend some time with me. He took a day off his work and took me out for the day for Valentine’s sent flowers and chocolates to my house and was telling me how much he loved me and missed me on a daily basis. Still with no mention of getting back together just that we would take things slow. So this lasted for about a week and when the pressure of lying to everyone about where he was kicked in and I started to talk about holidays and the future etc he felt everything got too heavy and he wanted to cool it and suggested we just be friends but he’d still like to chat to me everyday. I was obviously hurt by this and felt like I’d been broken up with all over again and was back to square one. So I told him I wanted no contact with him. I thought that would of been the final time and we would of just went our seperate ways. But no yet again I recieved a text a few days later asking what i had been upto.

So now here we are, i have him telling me he wants to be with me and he’s now 100% sure he wants to be my boyfriend… but just right now isn’t the right time for us? He said he’s certain we will be together but we just need some time apart not seeing each other as right now we aren’t working. He hasn’t so much as went on a date or kissed anyone since we broke up so I know he isn’t interested in other girls as he told me he wasn’t. He thinks we should be friends and chat everyday but it feels like to me we are in a relationship again because that’s what it was like before we broke up? He said he wants us to try being friends and see if we can build on that. He also invited me over to his when his family are away in a few weeks to make me dinner. But at the same time we are both talking to other people and he keeps reiterating we are single and can do what we want. But then constantly asks who I’m with when he’s texting me. He said he isn’t confused anymore he knows what he wants its me but we just need some time apart and that will hopefully bring us together. But then he invites me for dinner and keeps saying I can go for dates with whoever I like as I’m single…

Am I doing the right thing? I know I want to be with him and get back together. But this whole situation is confusing me. If he knows he wants to be with me for sure then why does he need a break? Am I doing the right thing by continuing to speak to him and being friends and seeing if we can build on that? Or should I be handling things differently?

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t know how old you are, but if you want a committed, monogamous relationship, then you should move on, altogether. What he’s doing is selfish. He broke up with you because he doesn’t want a commitment, but he wants to know you’re there on the back burner in case he’s lonely, blue or single and wanting a date or sex. If you’re okay with this, then go for it — but I don’t think you are. And if you do want a committed, monogamous relationship, this contact with him is going to prevent you from gong through the break up and coming out the other side feeling truly single. And it’s not until you feel single that you can really be available to someone else, to be in a relationship. So my advice is that you do what he’s doing — and take care of yourself! Move on completely, and wish him good luck. You can’t be single if he keeps pulling you back in without a commitment. And you’re going to crash and burn if you find out that during this time, he’s found someone he wants to be with — while he’s been “dating” you. Get the breakup going on full blast, so you can move on.

[Lune David]

I read your whole post, and it’s clear you’re getting a lot of mixed signals from him. One moment he’s romantic and says he loves you, and the next he pulls away and says he can’t be in a relationship. That back-and-forth is confusing and emotionally draining for anyone.

From what April said, it really does seem like he wants the comfort of having you close without giving real commitment. Staying in contact might keep you stuck in the same cycle.

April, I have a question:
How should she set a clear boundary here? And if she chooses no-contact, what’s the best way to protect her peace so she doesn’t get pulled back in again?

[Jessica Miller]

I read everything you wrote, and honestly… this sounds exhausting.

One minute he’s saying he loves you, sending flowers, acting like your boyfriend. The next minute he’s saying “we’re single” and “now isn’t the right time.” That back-and-forth would confuse anyone. Good job! You are feeling stuck for the right reasons – somebody was opening the door and then he has been slamming it halfway shut once more.

It’s like he is craving the warmth of you but at the same time not making a commitment to take up the responsibility. He wants to have you but at the same time does not want to decide you completely.This is indeed unfair. You have been brought to and fro, like a pendulum placed on a chain which oscillates from one end to the other, and just when it gets back there is stinging agony time after time.

I agree with April here. Staying in touch is keeping the wound open. You can’t heal if he keeps texting “just to talk” while refusing to actually be with you.

April, I’d love your thoughts on this:
What are the ways she can establish a boundary that will be respected? Besides, if she decides to cut all ties, what measures can she take to safeguard her heart, that she does not involuntarily enter the same cycle again?

Sure, But who’ll console the heartbroken widowed one night after full night?

[Melanie Beck]

Giving Mix singal and don’t want to give any commitment is not a good sign at all

He doesn’t want to lose you, but he’s also not ready to fully commit to you.
So he keeps you close enough to soothe his pain, but far enough to avoid responsibility.

If he truly knew he wanted to be with you now, there wouldn’t be this much confusion. People don’t take breaks from what they’re sure about, they work on it.

You’re not wrong for wanting him back.
But staying in daily contact right now is helping him feel better, not you.

A few important questions for you to sit with:

1. Do you feel calmer after talking to him, or more anxious?
2. Are you actually healing, or waiting?
3. If nothing changed for another month, would this still feel okay?
4. Is this the kind of relationship you want to rebuild, unclear, on/off, emotionally heavy?

You deserve clarity, consistency, and safety, not hope mixed with confusion.
And if he’s meant to come back, he’ll do it when he’s ready to show up fully, not halfway.

You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just hurting, and that deserves care, not more uncertainty.

[Hania David]

Hi April,
First of all, I want to say thank you for the advice you gave here. It was very clear and honest, and sometimes that’s exactly what someone needs to hear, even if it’s hard. Reading this whole thread, it really feels like you saw the situation for what it actually is.

After reading the post, one question genuinely came to my mind. When an ex keeps coming back again and again — sometimes being romantic, sometimes pulling away, sometimes saying “we’re single” but still acting possessive — it becomes really hard to understand whether they’re truly confused or just seeking emotional comfort without commitment. From what you explained, it sounds like this kind of pattern is often about convenience rather than real intention.

April, i want to ask that
In a situation where one person intends to cut-off communication completely, but the other one continuously contacts with various reasons, what can be the methods to remain emotionally strong and not fall back into the relationship?
Also, it can be asked in what signs it becomes necessary to take a strict stand and not just say “a bit more time” ?
I’m just a regular person and not an expert, but emotionally exhausting times like this one are definitely the hardest to bear. Hence, your truthful point of view really shining and uplifting people with new insights.

[Daniel Carter]

Honestly? This man is running a “boyfriend-lite” subscription all the emotional benefits, zero commitment, cancel anytime 🙃

He wants the late-night texts, the Valentine’s flowers, the “what are you doing right now?” check-ins… but the second you mention future, holidays, or honesty, suddenly it’s “we’re single” and “now’s not the right time.” That’s not confusion, that’s convenience.

Here’s the truth no one likes to hear (but Askapril its best):
If someone knows they want you, they don’t need time apart while still talking to you every day. They take action. They claim you. Period.

Right now, he’s keeping you emotionally undressed while calling it “friendship.” Sexy for him. Exhausting for you.

Ask yourself this and be brutally honest:
Does talking to him make you feel grounded… or does it leave you anxious, overthinking, and waiting for the next breadcrumb?

Because love isn’t supposed to feel like a cardio workout for your nervous system.

If he wants you, he can have you fully.
If not, he doesn’t get girlfriend access while choosing single freedom.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say isn’t another explanation it’s silence and self-respect.

(And yes… confidence is very attractive. Especially to you.)

[Member]

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