[flychicka]

Hi April,

I really need some advice here. A little over a year ago I ended a relationship with a guy, and a friend that I had at the time started to seriously pursue me. I wasn’t interested, but I did sleep with him one night while drinking but made it very clear I was not ready to date. Over the next 4 months we got very close, becoming best friends, hanging out almost everyday while I went through the normal rebuilding after any relationship ends. He pursued me the entire time but wasn’t overly pushy, and we had such good chemistry it was really hard for me to not go fo it. One night I finally did, we talked and decided that we both really cared for each other, but I wasn’t ready for anything serious so we would just see where it went.

Things were great, but I was only 50% into it (hindsight, it was still early to date anyone and allow myself to fully be emotionally available). I ended up ending things and cut off communication for a month when I realized I was liking him too much, more than I was ready for. I really hurt him, but he is younger and a typical guy who hides it really well, so I just assumed he wasn’t that into it, it was just fun and great sex. I was wrong. I made assumptions and really hurt him. After the month had passed, I started allowing myself to hang out with him again, it was like nothing happened (on my part). We went on a trip about two months later with another friend to Costa Rica, and after a huge blowup fight which revolved around him getting jealous of me dancing with another guy I realized how much he still cared for me, and that he was having a hard time dealing with what I had done. I also realized that I still cared for him, if not more so at this point, and when he made a move a day later on the trip, I went for it, telling him how I wanted to date him again, but more seriously. He was resistant, saying how much I hurt him, how I nearly killed him the first time with all the pain. After about two weeks of us talking and me showing him how my attitude towards us had changed, he agreed. We got serious right away, went on another trip together (which was preplanned as friends for a wedding). On this trip we had another fight, not nearly as big, but I was basically freaking out because I was realizing that I was falling for him, and although he was into me, I couldn’t tell how much. We came back from the vacation and everything seemed fine, not just fine, great.

He had training to do for his job that took him away for almost 2 weeks and his Dad almost died after a complication from a serious surgery. He was back for about a week and we were hanging out everyday and getting along great, when out of the blue we had a huge fight when he was drinking that quickly escalated from an absolute non-issue to him breaking up with me (over me hiding a cell phone due to late night drunk dialing mutual friends). We talked the next day and I tried to get him to tell me what was really going on, because there was no way he was throwing away us over what happened. Up came the issues… we fight too much, he doesn’t think I trust him, we don’t communicate. All of which I shot down with logic and examples as to how they weren’t true excuses. Next time we talked, he said there were some problems that he hadn’t discussed with me, but he didn’t think they were insurmountable, but his big things were his dad was sick, and he felt he wasn’t stable enough to continue (he might have had to move in the following months for his career) and that he was too afraid of losing me as a friend if we were to try again and we broke up. He kept using the term, I want to be with you but I just don’t know. He kept saying he wished he was more stable so we could be together. The whole time he also was asking for time so he could figure things out, but didn’t want to leave me waiting in case we didn’t get back together. Also, he said that we had to still be friends, he didn’t want to lose his best friend. I promised him I would try, citing how he did that for me the first time. I also apologized to him for hurting him, and said I saw this as an oppurtunity for us to come out stronger.

I didn’t beg him, told him I understood you can’t make someone want to be with you, to which he always answered vehemently that he did want to be with me. I took a couple of days of limited contact, but now two weeks later, its like we are dating again without the intimacy. It’s killing me. I’m a strong person, who is further ahead in her career, a little older than him and much more finacially stable. I had been pushing for him to get a job with my company for awhile when we were together, and murphy’s law dictates that the night after he told me he wished he had gotten on at my company so we could be together, he got hired. First person he calls, me. He comes straight over to my house to celebrate, and a couple of our friends show up to congradulate him. Doesn’t say a word to me about the idea of us again. It’s been a week since he got hired, tells me he can’t wait to work with me, tht he’s going to try and bid my projects, wants us to do a bunch of travelling trips together and generally is trying to spend a tonne of time with me. I’m so confused. I don’t see why we can’t be together. I’m a pretty rationale person, but don’t know if I should push this with him or should just leave it alone. I do want him back, he even admitted that he loved what we had. I love him to death as a friend, and don’t want to lose that, but how do I get him to finally admit why he broke up with me so I can get some finality and stop holding onto the life preserver of hope he threw out to me? Or do you think there is someway that this can be reversed?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote] I love him to death as a friend, and don’t want to lose that, but how do I get him to finally admit why he broke up with me so I can get some finality and stop holding onto the life preserver of hope he threw out to me? Or do you think there is someway that this can be reversed?[/quote]

That was a lot of text leading up to your two questions! The answer to your first question is that you can’t “get him” to admit his reasons for breaking up with you. You should just accept that he did break up with you. Behavior is more important to note than words, so accept the break up and do whatever YOU have to do to understand it’s final.

As for your second question, I don’t think it can be reversed as a meaningful relationship. You broke some cardinal rules in dating, and if you read Think & Date Like A Man,[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women to understand the differences between men and women so that they can think and date SMART, you’ll “get it”.

Read the book and start paying attention to the rules for finding, getting and keeping Mr. Right. You’ll learn a lot and you won’t wind up in this position again if you read this book. 😀

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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