[elva]

I am a girl of 28 and I have been dating another girl (25 yrs old) since the beginning of this year. We broke up on the last day of September, she broke up with me that is.

Short history: we met almost 2 years ago, at a party with mutual friends. We never spent time alone but met in the same group several times, until one night when we ended up talking all night.

We started dating very slow, she had not been in a relationship since she was 17 that last till 19. After this she was depressed for a long time and turned herself into a bachelorette who is very independent and strong.

Our relationship flourished and we had a very good time, we did many things together and eventually we started talking about each other in the future. We both wanted to move abroad (none of us living in our own country currently) and we shared a lot of dreams.

We never had fights or bigger issues, but her time was very limited. She felt like she was letting her friends down, who had been her family, and tried to spend time with them like before we got together. She also needed to work+go to school to support herself, meaning +12 hrs a day every day of the week. Sometimes I just saw her after I had fallen asleep and it made us both feel bad, but it was still manageable because it wasn’t forever.

We had a peak in our relationship when things started to go really well, I started being more secure and could be more supportive and she opened up emotionally. Then she went to her home country to see her family for 10 days and came back to see her best friend move to the other side of the world (permanently) and me having a bit of a birthday-related age crisis, housing issues and she says she felt weird and unsure about everything.

We didn’t spend much time the last weeks because I was moving, she had construction workers at her house, I was going home to my family, she was saying goodbye to her best friend.

Finally, the day after she took her friend to the airport, I confronted her and she came over. She said she wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore. She wanted to go far far away. She felt that she had lost the only “family” she had here. She felt like she loved me and everything was going so well, but something clicked in her and she could’t get the feeling of before back, and she really wanted to. She said she felt like she didn’t give me enough time, like she didn’t let me into her own life too much, like she was wasting my time. And that she wanted to do her PhD somewhere else when she graduated (in 6 months).

I don’t remember much else than this, but I was shocked, it came out of nowhere because we had always said we would deal with things together when there was an issue, but since there never were before, I didn’t know she’d try to fix it herself.

I don’t know if someone else can look at this more clear than me and also give me a hint on whether or not I should give reconciliation a try? I am very confused about whether or not I should stay away from her for some time or keep contact.

She joined an online dating site 1,5 weeks after (today) but even if that could just be a rebound thing, I don’t understand it if she wants to leave the continent…

Thank you so much!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You know, it sounds like you’d really like to give reconciliation a try, and if she’s willing, I think it would be a good idea. However…. the problem with relationships is that it takes two people to make them work, but only one person to end them. If she’s not interested in reconciling, which I don’t think she is from what you’ve written, it won’t work. That said, since you are wondering about reconciliation, and it sounds like you’d like to try, I think you should give it one more shot. If you don’t, I think you’ll always wonder. Better to live without regrets. 😉

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[elva]

Hi April!

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it! With reconciliation I know we need to be in on it both, and since I have stayed away from contact and she hasn’t tried to write or call me so far, I guess it is more starting over than reconciling. I guess my point is, if I should try to fight for her or not. I did ask her during the actual breakup if I should, but she just said “I don’t think so…” and sounded more sad about it than sure — but at the same time, who answers yes to a question like that? It was stupid of me to ask, I know.

I guess the advice I really need is – how do I figure out if there is a chance for us again, after haven’t been in contact, and how do you go about making that move again? I’ve never really tried before. But yes, I think I’d regret not giving it my all!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want to give it another shot, then you have to give it another shot! Ask her out for a romantic date. Be a better girlfriend then you were. Figure out where there were gaps in the distance between what she wanted, and what the two of you had, and fill them in as much as possible. Make a grand effort, with gifts, romance — the way you’d go about winning over anyone. 😉 You may get shot down, and you have to make peace with that, but you may not. 🙂 You won’t know unless you give it a shot.

Hope that helps!

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