[ncheart]

Hi April,

I’m 34 and my ex boyfriend and I dated for 5 months and now it has been almost 2 weeks since we’ve broken up. I broke up with him for several reasons but now I’m missing him so much and my pain increases daily because I haven’t heard from him since we broke up. He’s in the army and we dated 5 years ago when he was living an hour away from me but we broke up then because towards the end, it became almost impossible to get in touch with him by phone and when we did talk, our communication was awful, as if I was only one still interested in the relationship. Well, he broke up with me and then went for almost another year before contacting me as an attempt to mend the relationship but by that time I was no longer interested.

Well, we found each other again online through one of the social networking sites, back in June of this year. He called me and we hit it off. He appeared to be a totally different person and was very talkative and very open about how he felt and he apologized for shutting me out of his life 5 years ago. He said he wasn’t mature back then but was now able to express himself better and was sure about the things he wanted, at 29. He was living 3hrs away at that time and we made plans to see each other every other weekend. We emailed each other several times a day and we talked every day. Well, by Sept, things began to change a little, as in he wasn’t as open with his feelings and he bacame less talkative when we did talk on the phone. I asked if everything was okay and if he wanted to slow things down a little and he reassured me that things were fine. Well, one Sunday night in Sept., we had just hung up the phone and I sent him and IM from my blackberry and he responded but then another message came through and it was a picture of another girl. I was in shock and a bit furious and I called him to ask who the female was in the picture. I forwarded the picture back to him and he denied knowing who this girl was and said that we should have never had an argument about it because I should have just believed him initially when he said he didn’t know this person and that he never sent the picture. Well, the next day, he sent me a text and said that he needed some space because the relationship was stressing him out in addition to some things going on at work. So, we had space for about 2weeks and we only communicated by text about every 2 days.

Then at the end of the 2 weeks and 1st week in Oct he went to another base in another state for pre-deployment training because he’ll be going back to Afghanistan in Feb. We started talking by phone again but the communication was still strained because of the training. Even though, we continued to see each other every other weekend there was a difference in his behavior when we saw one another the last 2 times. He was no longer as affectionate as he used to be and and his desire for sex with me had dwindled. I attempted to snuggle with him several times when we were asleep and he would just lay there with his arms folded like I wasn’t there. I told him I noticed the difference in him and wanted to discuss the problem. He said there was no problem but also told me that he didn’t think I was happy anymore and if his training was becoming too much for me then I should consider whether or not I still wanted to be in this relationship. I was shocked to hear him say that but I told him I could handle it and we dropped the subject. Ever since he’s been in training, he would only call maybe 2-3 times a week and it would be after 11 and then on the weekends, I would only hear from him once because he said he was too busy even though the training ended on Fridays. The last weekend, before we broke up, he said he was in the dorm alone because all the guys went home for the weekend. We talked by text on that Saturday and when I called on Sunday, he said he was doing laundry and would call me back and he did but it was 11pm that night, and for about 10min.

Well, because I was having an odd feeling about everything, I googled his name and noticed that he had joined another social networking site where he could post his picture, meet new people and flirt with other people and he had also begun to add 1/2 dressed girls as friends to his facebook page. I didn’t understand how he had the time for all this but never really wanted to talk to me as much. I was furious and on the following Monday, I sent him an email, only because I didn’t know when I would talk to him by phone again, and I broke up with him. I explained why I broke and I told him how I was beginning to feel and how I noticed a difference in him over the past few months. I was beginning to feel like a nag instead of a girlfriend and like the attraction he used to have for me was nonexistent.

Well, since then, I’ve heard nothing from him and I didn’t expect him to beg me to come back but I at least expected him to acknowledge my email. The pain worsens everyday because I’m wondering if this is what he truly wanted but didn’t want to be the one to end it. And I’m also wondering if I was expecting too much, considering the pre deployment training? And I wonder if I’ll ever hear from him again?? My heart is broken because we haven’t talked and I’m wondering if he has moved on already. What should I do from this point… moving forward with my life?

[Ask April Masini]

I’m sorry for your broken heart. Rejection really hurts, and it’s hard to accept because of the pain. Sometimes people hurt so much they try and pretend that maybe someone who dumped them really does want them — secretly or after all or unconsciously — just so that they can alleviate their pain.

Your off again on again boyfriend has made it pretty clear to you that he’s interested in dating and flirting with other women, and that he’s not that interested in you. You are more interested in him than he is in you, and when you get angry at him for not giving you more time or treating you badly, or making you feel like a nag, the anger shouldn’t really be directed at him. It should be directed back at yourself for allowing yourself to spend time on someone who isn’t interested.

One of the biggest factors in compatibility is mutual interest! Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t have enough interest in you for you to be in a healthy relationship with him. So why try to make him into something he’s not? You won’t win that battle, and it’s much better to walk through doors that are open instead of trying to pry open those that are closed.

It’s over. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but the only way for you to move on is to literally do that — stop texting, looking him up on the internet and obsessing over him, and start filling your time (and your mind) with improving on yourself, and looking elsewhere for guys. You’d do really well to read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, written for women and down-loadable here [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. This book will give you ALL the tips and advice you need to figure out what you want in Mr. Right and how to find him and keep him.

You’re going to be fine, but you need to start exerting energy in positive ways and not putting yourself in situations that are dead ends.

Good luck, and let me know how things go! 🙂

[ncheart]

Hi April,

Thank you so much for your reply. I definitely needed to hear that from someone who isn’t a friend or part of my family and even though I know it will continue to be hard, I’ll have to force myself to stop thinking of the, “what ifs,” in terms of him coming back or calling, because even if that happens, it will only be a repeat of what happened 5yrs ago and what had just recently happened.

I’m planning to begin to get involved with more activities that are available in my city and I’ll begin my graduate courses in January… Hopefully these things will help in alleviating some of this pain.

Just can’t wait for the day to begin to feel like I can breathe again.

Thanks again,
Ncheart 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

So glad I was able to help you.

The pity party is over, and the party where you are the belle of the ball is about to begin! 🙂 Open your mouth, inhale, hold the oxygen and release. Breathing is that easy! Repeat, repeat, repeat.

You’re going to be fine. Keep moving forward.

Good luck!!

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