[DowntheMiddle]

Hi April
I’m very confused but know I did the right thing. Here is my story!
I have been with this man for over four years. We are both in our forties. He has two failed marriages and I am six years older than him and divorced. The relationship has been great, and at times has been not so great. He is very much a person who is “all about me,” and I am a person who puts others first but I can be needy. Because of our personalities, it has always worked. We are so compatible and love the same things. He has always said we are so much on the same wave length. He loves to golf and has never had a woman who he has brought into this part of his life. For the past three years I have been his caddy in all of his tournaments.
At the beginning of this year, I could tell he was getting really stressed over things. Then this past spring he asked for “space.” I gave it to him and told him I would be patient as he went through his “man cave” time. I wrote him a beautiful letter about love being patient and kind. He continued to see me every week. Then at the beginning of summer we were just not getting along, so he asked for “space.” I gave it to him but not as sweet as I did in spring, and did my own thing. This time, he didn’t try to see me but kept in contact. After a month he said we needed to talk. He came over and said “it’s over” and tried to kiss me. I told him get the $#%^ away. He started to cry and said he didn’t know what he was doing. He said I was the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he knows if we break up he will lose the most amazing thing in his life and that he knows he will never find anyone like me ever again. (sounds like word to me) I told him no worries here. If he wanted to go he needed to go and that I would be fine without him. I told him if he need time take it and I would wait for him. I told him I wanted him to date if he wanted to but it had to be on the condition of letting me know so I can move on. I didn’t want to be around this relationship if he wanted to date, but at the same time I didn’t want him to keep him from doing what he wanted. (can’t have your cake and eat it too) He cried off and on, and after four hours of deep discussion (best talk we have ever had) he said he wanted to go and think about all that we talked about. I hugged him good-bye and cried as soon as he left. He called me within the hour and asked to come back and that he loved me. From August, until now we have been seeing each other. I have been very patient and not putting any pressure on him. He doesn’t say he loves me anymore or calls me daily. I was okay with that because his actions spoke loudly of how he felt. This past Thanksgiving we talked a bit and I asked why he didn’t say he loves me anymore. He said he loves me very much, but calling me every day and saying those words makes him more committed to me and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, yet we spend a lot of time together. He said we are exclusive but not in a full blown relationship. This bothered me a bit. Well, I found out he was on a dating website from July until current time. I was furious and confronted him about it. At first he denied it and then said he loves me but doesn’t want a committed relationship. I told him to go if he wants to go. Go date and find out what you want but don’t drag me along with you. He said he didn’t want to date anyone but was chatting and that it didn’t mean anything. In my book, it is up there with cheating. He said he has always been from one relationship to the next and needed some time. (which sounded like I don’t want to be with you because I want to see what else is out there, grass is greener on the other side) I Told him I wanted him to figure out what he wants but at the same time he can’t have me. He was so upset about what he did and promised to not chat anymore. He spent a whole week with me at Christmas but I couldn’t seem to get past him chatting on line. I broke up with him the day after Christmas because I saw on the site how he tried to chat with so many women the last few months and wondered if any of them had made an advance at him would he have taken it. He has lied to me in the past and know he will lie again. It made my stomach turn. I told him he was getting me to do all these sweet things for him, and I didn’t mind because I loved him, yet he was trying to chat with other women. He said he has never cheated on me and that I was the first woman he has ever done that with. He said it’s been hard and he is tempted, but said he could never hurt me like that. I told him he needed to go and date and whore around but I was not going to sit around and wait for him to find another person. I told him I felt it was a matter of time before he did give into his temptations. I told him I felt like he was just pulling me along until the next woman came along. I let out all my anger I had been holding on to for the past six months and I ended it. He was quiet throughout my whole conversation and just kept saying, “I’m sorry Nicole I’m sorry.”
I guess my question, or I need to hear from a man, why would you say you love someone, why would he tell his best friend in August , when they were doing their guy thing, I’m the most AMAZING woman he has ever been with and will ever be with and that I was so caring and loving and knows if I walk out of his life he will have lost the best thing that has ever happened to him or will ever happen to him, yet he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. It doesn’t make sense. How can I be all these things he says I am to him yet not want to be with me. And I’m not trying to brag, but I learned a lot about myself and my mistakes I made in past relationships and I really made an effort to make this relationship the best. I gave 150% and was a great girlfriend. I feel all my efforts were for a waste. My heart loves him very much but my head says it’s time to move on. I am so broken inside. It’s been two days since I ended it and I haven’t heard from him. I wonder if he will ever realize my worth. I wonder after he sees what is out there will he come back to me, or will he just move on. Do guys ever realize this, do they even hurt for the loss of “the most AMAZING woman I’ve ever been with,” do they walk away from her??? Does he even really love me, or was it just words? I feel so stupid inside for telling him back in July that I had FAITH in him and us that we would be okay one day. That I would be there no matter how long it would take for him to work through his issues. I feel like a fool

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I guess my question, or I need to hear from a man, why would you say you love someone, why would he tell his best friend in August , when they were doing their guy thing, I’m the most AMAZING woman he has ever been with and will ever be with and that I was so caring and loving and knows if I walk out of his life he will have lost the best thing that has ever happened to him or will ever happen to him, yet he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. It doesn’t make sense. [/quote]

Sorry to tell you this, but it actually does make sense. 😕 He said what he said because in that moment he said it, he felt it. And then come the next moment….. when he felt something else, he behaved per [i]that[/i] feeling. 😕 When a man’s behavior and his words don’t match up, always trust his behavior, and in this case, what he says doesn’t hold much water, but what he does has been pretty consistent. Unfortunately, it took you a while to see his pattern and figure out that he’s not your Mr. Right. 🙁

[quote]How can I be all these things he says I am to him yet not want to be with me. And I’m not trying to brag, but I learned a lot about myself and my mistakes I made in past relationships and I really made an effort to make this relationship the best. I gave 150% and was a great girlfriend. I feel all my efforts were for a waste. [/quote]

What you need to understand is that YOU can’t make a relationship “the best” — you can only be responsible for your part in it. You may have given 150% of yourself, but you gave it to someone who wasn’t that interested in a relationship with you. 😳 Choosing the right man, is just as important — if not more so — than giving 150%. You gave all that energy and time to someone who wasn’t right for you, but you didn’t see the clues. When he asked you for “space” after over three years of dating, that was your moment to realize this wasn’t working. When he told you it was over, you ignored him. 😳 I’m sorry to tell you that you’re right — your efforts were a waste.

Now, it’s time for you to stop wasting your time with the wrong men — and to start dating smart. 😉 I strongly advise you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. It’s going to help you a lot to understand what men think, how they behave, and what YOU can do to make sure you’re not wasting your time again. 😀

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