[Anonymous]

There’s this girl that I use to sort of bully back when we were teenagers. I looked her up on Facebook. I’m wondering if I should apologize. It’s not only that I want to apologize but also that I never got to know her and really wanted to. It didn’t seem like I was that awful to her, I mean I only said a few things. I was bullied in middle school a lot worse by a lot more people. But for some reason the way I treated her seemed to really bother her. She went to an authority figure to ask him if he’d keep me away from her. She also looked really crushed when I said things. I overheard her talking with people about me and what I said, analyzing it I guess.
Anyway fast forward about 14 years and how hurt she looked still bothers me. I’ve also heard that she has poor luck dating and rumors that she’s never even been in a relationship. Also that she has (or had at one point) a drinking problem. She seemed to have low self esteem back then and it appears she still might.

I really want to get to know her or at least apologize. What do you think my chances are that she’ll be open to me?
If I do get to know her and she doesn’t remember me or just doesn’t recognize me, should I tell her? Or just go with it?
What’s the best way to go about trying to get to know her? I’d rather do it in person than over the internet.
How would you feel in her position?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I know from experience what it is like to be bullied. I know I would like the people apologize to me, but I know now that the past is the past. If I was in your shoes, I would send her a message and see if you guys could hang out sometime, just be open with her. I wouldn’t apologize to her just yet about it because if you want to get to know a girl that you once bullied, it’s not the best thing to start out by apologizing. You might want to get to know her first then apologize for doing what you did. If you start out right away to apologize, she might think that you are getting to know her now because you feel sorry for what you did. In a way to get her to go out or hang out with you, I would start off simple. You said that she has some personal issues from what you heard, don’t bring those up but maybe you can use those to your advantage to break the ice. If she looks better than what she did in middle school/high school then let her know that. Most people with self-esteem issues likes to hear that stuff even if they don’t want to admit it. As for apologizing to her, I wouldn’t bring it up unless she does because it might bring back bad memories. A person with self-esteem you have to get to know them and how they interact before you can tell them anything. I know this because I had low self-esteem….well still do, but it’s getting better. As for the past, again, I wouldn’t bring it up unless she does. Just tell her something that you are trying to get a hold of old friends from middle school/ high school and see what they have been up to since it’s been awhile, you don’t have to tell her that it’s just her, but if she wants to hang out with a couple of people from back then, it wouldn’t hurt to look up more friends just in case. I hope this helps!

[Anonymous]

Maybe you ought to consider your intentions before you attempt to re-enter her life and maybe you ought to consider what might be best for her at this point rather than just go on your impulse that you never got to know her. Maybe what you want might not be best for her. What is the purpose of your contacting her? To make amends? You can do that by writing a letter to her and asking for her forgiveness but NOT sending it. If your motive is any other, you might want to consider leaving her alone. She does not need your pity or being patronized by you — that is, feeling sorry for her. That would most likely make her feel worse. Examine your conscience and consider just plain not acting on your impulses. The fact that you feel that you were bullied worse than what you did to her is your rationalization to make you feel better about your past actions, and possibly not of interest or at all helpful to someone who you’ve hurt in the past. For her sake, consider leaving her alone now — as your way of making amends — and as your gift to her, of sorts. To contact her and act like you don’t remember how you treated her is ridiculous — and I guarantee she will remember YOU — and probably not fondly. 😥

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you generally do feel badly about having bullied her 14 years ago, and you should absolutely apologize to her. Understand she may not forgive you, but do make the effort to tell her how sorry you are for having hurt her and how you’ve come to understand what you did was wrong and how you’ve changed. My advice is to write this to her and let it be a sole gesture.

A week or two later, follow up with an invitation to have dinner. If your apology is heartfelt and sincere, I have a feeling she’ll be interested in getting to know you, as you are now.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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