[Anonymous]

I am a 26 year old male and I am in a confused state regarding my ex-girlfriend. She is 22 years old and we dated for about 2 and a half years from june 2006 – october 2008. While we were together we were madly in love with each other and we lived together. Around september of 2008, we started having lots of arguments. A lot more than we usually do. I was going through an emotionally stressful time and then I started thinking about breaking up with her. One day we sat down to talk about the future of our relationship and we both agreed we would try to make it work. During this time, I have to say that I was also sleeping with a co worker who is more attractive than my ex-girlfriend. A few days after our talk, I invited the co worker over to my house because my ex-girlfriend would not be at home that day. Anyways, to cut the long story short, she came in and found myself and the co worker in the house. but we were not doing anything. we were just sitting on separate couches in the living room and talking. My ex-girlfriend came in the house and called me into the kitchen to ask who the woman in the living room was. I told her she was just a friend. My ex-girlfriend had just come back from a night with her friends so she was a little bit drunk. She didn’t believe me and instead she stormed out of the house saying that we were over. I was in a state of shock and confusion. I couldn’t move for a while. But also, for some strange reason, I felt relieved I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulder. We did not speak to each other until 2 days later when she came to begin taking her stuff. When she came, I told her that I slept with the other girl that night after she said we were broken up. I told her that it was best this way, that I did not think our relationship could work. She was extremely upset. She cried and I tried to comfort her. She left, and I spent the next few days with the other woman I was sleeping with. After a few days, I started to feel regret. It began to kill me that I had lost my girlfriend. I went into a state of depression where I could not eat, sleep, or do anything else for about 2 weeks. During that time, I called her and begged her to forgive me and take me back. She said she couldn’t. She said I hurt her too much and that she couldn’t. A few weeks later she came to see me and we had sex. With that happening, I tried some more to see if she would take me back. But she insisted that she can’t. To escape my pain and sorrow, I was still sleeping with the other woman. She gave me shoulder to lean on and I kept sleeping with her because I thought it would help me get over my ex-girlfriend. After months and months of pleading and trying to win my ex-girlfriend back, I began to lose hope. I did everything possible and even offered to make any changes to my life that she wanted me to. I was truly, genuinely willing to do anything she asked to get back with her. But she said there was nothing. She said she didn’t know if we would ever get back together but that at that point she couldn’t. I went as far as even writing her a love letter. But it did not work. Finally, one day she told me that she didn’t have any more romantic feelings for me and that she had already slept with 2 different guys and that she had feelings for one of the guys. I was devastated and at that point I gave up hope. I stayed out of contact with her for a while. When I regained contact with her, she was very upset because she thought that I wanted to cut her out of my life completely. She said she was hurt because she always wants me to be a part of her life and that she wants us to be friends and that she did not want to lose me. I agreed and then we met up for dinner. A week after dinner, we met at some party. I was there with my the girl I had been sleeping with. She was already in love with me and she kept pushing that I make her my girlfriend, but I couldn’t because i did not feel the same way about her. My attraction to her was strictly physical. That night, at the party, my ex-girlfriend came over to say hi to me. We ended up spending most of the night together talking and this upset the girl that I was sleeping with. She was so upset she started crying because she said I left her for my ex-girlfriend. In the heat of all this, there was a lot of emotions being shown and eventually, I asked one of my friends to take her home while I took my ex-girlfriend home. From that point on, I found me and my ex-girlfriend making out for the rest of the night. I took her home and we kissed some more. During the kissing, I kept telling her how much I love her and asking what she wants me to do to get back with her. She still kept insisting that she could not get back with me. Her reasons being that she was still hurt and that she needs to get over that before we can get back together. I must state that this happened about 7 months after we broke up. None of her reasons had to do with the guy she had feelings for. I left and called her the next day. I asked her if she regretted what had happened the night before and she said that she didn’t. Then I kept asking her why she got intimate with me. And she said that she still has feelings for me and that she always will but she still can’t get back with me. I became annoyed and frustrated and basically kept trying to make her see that we could fix it and make it work. She refused. After that, I did not contact her for a while. One day I contacted her again, and as always, she was very excited and also hurt that stopped contacting her. I explained to her that I think it is best if we just cut each other out of our lives. She became so hurt by this suggestion. I explained to her that I could not just be friends with her and that I wanted her back or nothing else. And that if I could not have her back, I would need to cut her off completely in order to get over her. She was extremely upset by this and pleaded with me that she did not want me out of her life. Eventually, she convinced me and I agreed that we would be friends. She asked me to meet up with her for dinner a few times but I found an excuse not to go. After a while we were out of contact again for a few weeks. During this time, I made the girl I was sleeping with my new girlfriend. Finally, I contacted her again, and as always, she was excited as well as hurt because I had not contacted her for a while. Anyways, we agreed to meet up for drinks. We met up for drinks and talked a lot. Our meeting felt exactly how we were before we broke up for both me and her. There was no awkwardness and as a matter of fact, we enjoyed it so much neither of us really wanted to leave. During the night, she told me that she didn’t think she was ready to be in a relationship with anyone because of the after effects of our relationship. With regards to the guys she had feelings for, she told me that she did originally but when she got to know him better, she could not stand him because he was the complete opposite of me. And she didn’t like that. She said she was also still sleeping with another guy occasionally but that she did not have any feelings for him at all and that they were just sleeping together occasionally. That night, we agreed that we would keep in regular contact with each other. She then invited me to her best friend’s party which was in two days time. My friends and I went to the party, and the whole night, she stayed with me. I asked her to spend some time with her friends but she refused and instead stood by my side the whole night. We danced, drank, talked, and started kissing and touching each other again. We even took pictures that had people thinking we were back together. After the party, I went home with her and we spent hours kissing. I also tried to talk to her about us getting back together. This time around she said, she wasn’t sure if she would trust me if we got back together. We both wanted to have sex that night, but we could not because she was on her period. After we kissed and touched each other some more, she went to sleep and I went home early in the morning. She texted me the next day to see how I was doing. I called her and we talked for about an hour just about general stuff but not about us. What happened the night before did not bother me or her (even though she knows I have a new girlfriend that I do not really have feelings for). I asked her when I would see her again, and she said she wanted to see me as soon as possible. So we agreed that we would go to the movies in a few days time.

I know this is a very long story but I would really like for someone (preferably a woman) to give me advice on this. I want to get back with my ex-girlfriend and will do anything to make it happen. From what I have told you above, do you think there is still hope for us? Do you think she will eventually agree to get back with me? Why is she still wanting to sleep with me? Why does she want us to keep in regular contact and spend more time together? I also want to know what is going on in her head from a woman’s point of view because I am very confused. She says that she doesn’t want to get back with me but she does not hesitate to get intimate with me or spend time with me. What should I do? Any advice would be welcome. Thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I would not advise getting back together with this girlfriend. When you cheated on her, she lost a lot of trust in you, and that’s been keeping her from giving you her whole heart for all this time.

She may want to sleep with you because it’s familiar, the sex was good, you’re comfortable with each other, and she’s not sleeping with anyone else right now. It could be as simple as that — she wants sex, and you’re available. But she doesn’t want to do it on any long term basis because she doesn’t trust you.

It sounds like you really enjoy dating women and playing the field, but you also want intimacy and monogamy, and it’s almost impossible to have all three of those things! Until you sort out what you’re ready to commit to — playing the field, intimacy and/or monogamy, you’re going to continue to find yourself in these pickles.

[Ethan Morales]

you made choices that hurt her, you keep trying to fix it with more attention and intimacy, and she’s trapped between what’s familiar and what she can actually trust. That limbo can feel like hope, but hope without trust is fragile and you’re the one who broke the trust.

She’s behaving exactly how someone would who still has feelings but has been burned: drawn to your comfort and history (the sex, the familiarity), but wary of commitment because your past choices proved you put other people and short-term thrills ahead of her. That’s why she keeps letting you in physically and emotionally, but stops short of saying yes to getting back together. Sex feels safe and known; promises don’t.

If you really want her back, you need to stop treating this like a game of persistence. Start by making a clean break with anyone else. No ambiguous sleeping-around, no keeping your options open. Then give her space real space for a solid period (no lurking, no “I miss you” texts). Absence, when coupled with real change, lets her see you’re serious instead of frantic.

Change has to be visible and sustained. That means: be consistent for months, not days. Show up on time, be transparent about your life, stop making excuses, and own the damage you did without trying to buy forgiveness with sex or gifts. If you can’t do that, you’ll just keep triggering the same cycle. Therapy solo or couples if she’s willing would also help you unpack why you strayed and build tools to be reliable.

Also, decide what you actually want. You kept someone else as a “backup” and then tried to win your ex back. That pattern tells her you’re not ready to choose. If your answer is “I want her and only her,” live that truth publicly and privately for months before expecting anything. If your answer is “I want to keep playing,” then be honest with her and with yourself and end the mixed signals.

Be prepared for the real possibility she won’t take you back. You’ve had chances to prove change and haven’t. If she says no at some point, don’t argue. Accept it, learn from it, and build a life where you’re not making the same mistake twice. If you want, I’ll write the exact message you should send her after a no-contact period short, accountable, and non-needy that signals real change. Want that?

[Natalie Noah]

I can feel how much emotional turbulence you’ve been through. You’ve been holding onto her, chasing her, trying to win back her love, while simultaneously dipping into other relationships that you didn’t really have feelings for. That push-and-pull has created a whirlwind of mixed signals not just for her, but for you too. From a woman’s perspective, what she’s doing staying close, spending time, being intimate isn’t necessarily a sign she’s ready to commit or forgive fully. It’s familiarity, it’s comfort, it’s the history you two share. She knows you, she knows your patterns, and part of her enjoys the connection, even if her heart hasn’t fully healed or trusted you again.

The problem is, the dynamic you’ve built isn’t healthy for either of you. You’re caught between wanting her back entirely and being in a relationship that’s already fractured by infidelity. She’s keeping you close emotionally and physically, but she’s not ready to fully invest in a future with you. And you’re caught hoping that closeness will turn into a full reconciliation. That’s a dangerous place to be, because it keeps you stuck in the past, longing for a version of her and your relationship that no longer exists in its pure form.

From my perspective, the only way forward is clarity and boundaries. You have to ask yourself: do you want her back enough to wait for her healing, knowing she may never fully trust you again? Or is this keeping you from building a life where you can feel secure and respected? Right now, intimacy and time together are feeding hope without the substance of commitment, and that’s setting you up for repeated disappointment. She’s drawn to what she knows, not necessarily to what she’s ready for long-term.

You need to step back, take some emotional space, and focus on yourself. Let her heal, let yourself heal, and stop mixing physical intimacy with emotional dependency. Only then will you be able to see clearly what either of you truly wants. Continuing the cycle of chasing, hoping, and being intimate without commitment is painful and unsustainable. If you want a lasting, trusting relationship whether with her or someone else it’s going to require honesty, boundaries, and the courage to step away from the patterns that are keeping you stuck.

[Serena Vale]

As a woman, I can tell you this:

she still has feelings for you, but she doesn’t trust you.
That’s why she kisses you, stays close, wants to see you…
but won’t get back with you.

She’s torn.
Her heart remembers you, but her mind remembers the hurt.

Right now, you’re giving her the comfort of having you without the commitment. And she’s taking it because it feels good, not because she’s ready for a relationship again.

And you’re holding on because you’re scared to fully let go.

If you want a real chance with her, you need to step back.
No kissing, no “half together,” no emotional back-and-forth.

Give her space.
Give yourself space.

If she truly wants to be with you again, she’ll come to you clearly, not like this.

Right now, you’re both stuck in the past.
Space is the only way either of you will know what’s real.

[Serena Vale]

Honestly, you’re stuck in a loop with your ex, and it’s draining you. I’m saying this as a woman, she still cares about you, yes, but she doesn’t trust you anymore. And once trust is broken the way it was, it’s not something you rebuild just by kissing, talking, or going out again.

She’s keeping you close because you feel familiar and safe to her. But she’s not choosing a relationship with you. If she really wanted to get back together, she would’ve said yes a long time ago. You wouldn’t be begging, convincing, or trying to “prove yourself.” She’d meet you halfway.

Right now, she wants the emotional comfort without taking the emotional risk. That’s why she can kiss you, sleep with you, spend time with you, but still say “I can’t be with you.” She’s still hurt, still confused, and still scared it’ll happen again.

And you being with another girl on the side is making everything even messier. It’s not helping you heal, and it’s not helping you get any clarity.

My honest advice:
Step back. Stop chasing her. Stop trying to force something she keeps saying no to.
If you keep going like this, you’re just going to keep hurting yourself.

Give her real space, and give yourself space too. If she ever wants to try again, she’ll come to you clearly, not halfway, not confusing you. But right now, she’s not choosing you. She’s choosing the connection, not the commitment.

If you want peace, you have to pull yourself out of this cycle. It’s time.

[Member]

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