[soundheart]

In need of dating advice. Brief background: I am 34 and have been out of the dating scene for the past 2 years since separating from my fiance. (went through a bit of depression and isolation and just recently started dating again). I have had only 2 very long term relationships and feel a bit stunted in the dating world due to having very little experience. I started seeing this guy in 2/2014. He had reached out to me after moving to my town from out of state. We use to work together. He said he had a crush on me back then and had thought about me through the years. I felt very comfortable w/ him and we bonded pretty quick. We started sleeping with each other a few wks later. He said he was falling for me, but didn’t want to because he was getting over a difficult break-up and had no intention of getting into another relationship with anyone anytime soon. Against (pos. my better judgement) I continued to see him. We had been texting every other day and sleeping w/ each other once a wk. He told me he was dating other people, but was not sleeping with anyone else. (We had earlier made an agreement to tell each other if we started to sleep w/ others). At this time I was friends w/ him on social media and saw that he was making flirtatious comments to other women and became jealous. To make long story short, 6/2014, I discovered through a mutual friend that he had also been sleeping with her too. I got upset and cut all contact w/ him. Recently we started talking regularly again through text. The first time we met up since the argument, he apologized for lying and for treating me poorly and said he would make it up to me. At the time I was still a little hurt and was not very receptive. ( I should mention, I was nervous about meeting up with him and by the time I finally agreed to see him, was in the evening and had been drinking). We continue to talk via text and slept together once. However, I now feel his behavior towards me has changed. He seems more distant and guarded than before the argument. Now he contacts me via text 1-2 x a wk to “hang out” and most of the texts occur either Mon or Tues. evening when he’s got nothing going on or during the wkends after the bars have closed. He doesn’t ask me out, just over his house. (He recently lost his job, so I don’t know if that is a factor or not at all). I really enjoyed his company the way it was before the argument and now fear I ruined any potential by acting too needy. I don’t know if he now just sees me as a FWB or not even. He also keeps telling me how it’s impossible to meet people in the town we’re in and acts slightly jealous if I’m out and had made comments about w/n I’m on a date or have met someone. Confused. My questions: Is this salvageable? Can a relationship be turned around after someone acts needy and possessive? Can I make him desire me again or will he now always see me as someone he “has” on call so does not need to invest in or care for? Feeling a lot of regret for my past actions. Any advice would be appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you already know what I’m going to say! 😉

For starters, you should always assume that anyone you’re dating is playing the field for the first three to six months of dating. If you make that assumption, you can better prepare yourself for that reality. In fact, I always recommend that the first three months of dating someone are best used to decide if you want to continue dating that person. If you do, use the second six months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous or not. This gives you time to really get to know the person before making a commitment with someone and then realizing you didn’t know something about him that is a problem. 😉 I think that these are good rules of thumb for you to adopt now that you’re getting back into dating. 🙂

[quote] Is this salvageable? [/quote]

I’m not sure what it is you want to salvage since the relationship started off on a bad note — when you agreed to tell each other if you were going to be sleeping with anyone else, very early in the relationship, you tried to create a commitment after only a few weeks of dating. 😕 It telegraphed to him that you were willing to sleep with if he promised monogamy. In most situations, men will say and do what they need to, to have sex. He broke the promise to you — even though it was a promise that shouldn’t have been made. 😉 He made it pretty clear with you that he didn’t want a relationship because he was rebounding, and if a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, you should believe him. In addition, he’s not acting like he cares about you as a girlfriend — when a guy wants to win you over, he makes an effort, and you’ll know it! So what it is you want to salvage, may just be in your head, not in reality.

[quote]Can a relationship be turned around after someone acts needy and possessive? [/quote]

Yes, but it’s harder to do so than if you start off dating smart from the get go. 😉 And… it takes more time because you’ve got a lot of damage control to take care of.

[quote]Can I make him desire me again or will he now always see me as someone he “has” on call so does not need to invest in or care for? [/quote]

You may be able to make him desire you again, but you have to change your behavior, first. Think about what would make him — or any guy — want you. Men like women they have to chase after because it makes them feel good bout themselves. They like to win, and if they feel you’re someone worth winning, whom they’ve won over, they feel good about you, the relationship and themselves. That’s the trifecta you want to aim for. 😀 You might want to buy and read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep the man they want. [url]https://askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. I recommend you read it and consider the advice in it that will work for you.

I hope that helps.

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