[jhoughton309]

I have been dating a guy for almost 3 years now, and we have had a great time together. We have had a really great relationship with normal ups and downs but overall I love him dearly.

Recently he informed me about wanting to meet up with a woman from his past. I have heard of her before, never formally met her, and it has always been questioned whether or not they dated or were just strictly “friends” in the past. Normally I would have no problem with this because we do not have trust issues between the two of us and we both have many friends of both sexes, but he was a little too textbook when talking about this dinner that the two of them would be having.

My gut told me something was off. We talked about it that night, I said yes that should be fine and slept on it. His words rang with me that this was an old friend, he assured me they had never dated and it just seemed like he was trying to convince himself rather than me that there was nothing to worry about. That next night, he left his phone at home while out with his guy friends.

I have never looked through his phone before, but something told me I needed to check to see what was really going on between him and this old friend. My gut was right. They had been texting back and forth for at least a few months with many texts crossing the line of appropriate. Talking about shower time, what happens after a few glasses of wine, etc. But, he also made it clear that he was happy with me and planned on marrying me in the next 2 years. That is why I’m so torn.

Part of me wants to believe that this is innocent flirting, but another side of me doesn’t understand why he has lied to me about her, and its fishy because I don’t know her. I have not brought up my concerns with him at all because I know he will not be happy about me looking through his phone, and I think I first need to figure out, Am I ever going to trust him again?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[jhoughton309]

I’m 22 and he is 32. We have quite the age gap but thankfully it hasn’t been a big deal in our relationship.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he’s looking to sow some oats before settling down at age 35. Some guys have a number in their head that they use as a goal for getting married. It can be an age or an amount of money they want to have or be making. Since he told her he’s going to marry you in two years, he’s probably aiming for age 35.

I agree with you that you shouldn’t mention your having gone through his phone, but having done that, you should understand that he’s not going to tell you everything. His going off to meet with this woman without you is a sign that he doesn’t want to introduce the two of you as much as he wants to catch up and rekindle a flirtatious relationship (or more). You can’t be his mother and stop him from seeing people he wants to see, but you can rev up your own girlfriend-Q, in other words, knowing you’ve got competition, you can start being a better girlfriend — one that he won’t want to risk losing. 😉

Sometimes you have to look at the big picture, and if he needs to see if there’s anything “there” with this other woman, in order to decide to settle down with you, then, while it’s painful, it’s important. You wouldn’t want to marry a guy who wishes he’d dated more before marrying — you want to marry someone who knows he got the best woman for him. That means trusting that he’s going to do the right thing for himself, as your boyfriend.

I hope that helps.

Let me know how things go…..

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[jhoughton309]

Well, the dinner is this Saturday! So hopefully I will have good news by next week. I agree, he has to do this either way. If he cheats – he cheats. If he doesn’t – it makes him that much more happy to come home to me.

Thank you! I’ll keep you posted

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 😀

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